Monday, November 21, 2011

Not So Virtual Armor

I've come to realize that I've been giving myself some armor lately.  It's not the kind of armor that you strap on before going into combat, but a very different kind.  Instead, I'm wearing an armor that's more spiritual in nature, but physically present with each piece I add.

The idea really came from my friend Raven.  She wears certain pieces of jewelry and considers them like her spiritual armor.  One of the ones easiest to note is her pentacle.  The other is an ankh.  She's worn these every day since I met her, and is probably still wearing them now!  I don't foresee her ever taking them off without a serious amount of convincing, or nothing short of sheer force.  I didn't really realize she was the inspiration, but looking back, there it is.  I wanted to add pieces to my earrings that would have the same meaning, but I never managed to do it.  Instead I started adding them to my hair.

It all started with a simple little charm, Kokopelli.  My friend Erin called me all frantic asking me what the meaning of a broken necklace chain was.  I explained that in my experience I'd always known a broken chain to mean that the item was no longer meant to be worn.  The fact that she still had it in her possession meant that it needed to be passed on to someone she knew.  Well, she did, and the fortune he's brought me has been interesting, to say the least.  He is my first and possibly my favorite of my little companions.  I bound him into my hair seeking fertility and abundance, and by that I mean finding a way to provide for my family.  It's not surprising that it should come in the most twisted and confusing of ways.  That is Kokopelli's nature.  He's a bit of a trickster god, like Loki.  However, I'm eternally grateful for him.  He's helped me to look at my life and see the bright side of everything, even when it seems like there is none.  He's helped me see every bad situation we've been in lately really is a blessing in disguise.  I'm looking out for his every message because he's leaving them loud and clear.  Now I just have to figure out how to listen.  It wasn't at all what I expected, no, not in the least, but I'm starting to take the hint.  We really needed a lot of these changes in our life, and while they've brought a lot of hard times, we're definitely in a better position now in many ways than we were before all this chaos began!

After Kokopelli, my son brought me his old pentacle.  We bought it for hom when he was very small and constantly ill.  I wanted to give him something to keep him safe, and at the time I was very much involved with the local Pagan community.  I'd found it at one of the local shops and it was perfect.  He wore it begrudgingly, and often times I would have to keep putting it back on him.  It did it's job well, since he was rarely sick or injured while he wore it, but eventually it just got to be too much of a hassle to find it every time he flung it off into the void, deciding he was sick of wearing it that day.  We'd found it a while ago and he wanted me to have it.  I decided to bind that into my hair for protection.  There was a lot going on in my life and it felt good to have a protection symbol bound to me to follow me wherever I go.  That pentacle has been in my family since my son was only a year old.  He wore it for two years before he lost it, then decided it needed to be on me, not him.  Not only is it a symbol of protection, but it is also a connection to my child, a very special connection, one that can't be copied by anyone else.

Shortly after that, Erin gave me another gift.  She had two matched bone daggers.  One would go in her dreads, the other would go in mine.  It's a rather large piece, so I didn't expect to have it go in my hair right away, but I decided it needed to.  It hangs a little longer than the dread it's bound to, mostly because dreads shrink up over time.  It was put in my hair to represent my connection to my dance sister, since she would some day wear hers too, but with it's constant and persistent jabs, it's also a constant reminder to be aware of things that may not serve my highest good.  After all, it's called a bone dagger, and daggers are weapons meant for offense.  While I would never use this in such a way, I think the mental association between a dagger and this thing stabbing me every time it's got something to tell me is kind of appropriate.  It has also become one of my favorite pieces, both due to it's uniqueness and due to it's persistent and demanding nature.  How could I not learn to love it?  It speaks to me (even if it isn't in the nicest of ways)!

It was a good long while before I had anything else to put in my hair.  Nothing showed up that felt like it really belonged there.  I didn't have need to add anything else.  I really wanted to have more, knowing that I wanted to have a full dowry or a pirate's booty worth of goods in my hair.  I thought it would be fun, unique, and make my hair stand out from everyone else's dreads.  Since my dreads are so thin, it's hard to find rings and beads just kicking around that will easily slip in, so I'm down to charms and baubles right now.  That's when a whole box of treasures from my past just showed up, including an old, treasured necklace and a belly chain with a broken clasp.  I wore the charm necklace for a while, but it just didn't feel right.  Something needed to change, so I decided to go a different route.  The five charms would go in my hair, as would the medallion from the belly chain.

The first charm to hit my hair was from the belly chain.  It was a medallion-like coin with a Goddess symbol on one side with the triple moon and the Green Man stamped on the other.  It just seemed to want to fall with the Green Man turned towards my dread, hidden, only to appear when needed, and the Goddess turned out to face the world.  When I bound them into my hair, I thought of them as my connection to the divine, but I think now they're something more.  The Goddess represents the outward image I need to have, the balanced Goddess of my own home and family.  I need to be the divine within myself, something I've long since forgotten about being.  The Green Man represents everything about myself that I keep hidden, and need to keep hidden.  He is that wild side to me, the incredibly natural aspect, the part that's deep and earthy.  He's the side that no one really understands because it's hidden and obscure in the wilderness, and perfectly happy and okay with being there.  He only peeks forth to show his face at times of need, and so I need to let that wild, passionate nature only poke it's head when it is time to do it's work, when I need to be that feral animal to defend my family, or to share it's wisdom.  This has perhaps the deepest meaning of anything I've had in my hair, and I've carried it since it was purchased at Unicorn Books back home over twelve years ago.  I'm pretty sure this too was a gift, but I can't remember who gifted it upon me.

The next was a horse head pendant that was gifted to me years ago.  My friend's brother found it while we were digging around the foundation to fix the damages to it when we just got out of 7th or 8th grade, I forget after all these years.  She was moving.  He found it and thought of me.  It went on my pendant which already had one other horse charm on it.  I wore that around for years.  Just recently I found it again.  I wasn't sure at first if it would go into my dreads, but I decided it needed to be there.  It would be a constant reminder that there were hidden treasures all around me, and it was bound into my hair so that I might bring more hidden treasures into my life.  Yes, you have to look a little harder to find them, and they pop up in the most unexpected places, but they're always worth it in the end.  It's also a horse, the animal that was labeled as my below from my totem reading, that which is supposed to ground me, which is interesting by a Native American standpoint from what the person doing my totems said.  It's kind of fitting that I'll end up with several in my hair when all is said and done.  Horses have meant a lot to me over the years.  They were companions for a while, and partners in the show ring.  I worked mucking out their stalls and one even broke my finger, something that never healed quite right, a constant reminder.  They're a creature that I truly miss in my life a lot more than I thought I ever would.

Next to follow was a lion, right up close to my face.  I joked that he represented Leo, since there have been so many meaningful Leos in my life, like my dad and Chesh.  It would represent their influence in my life.  I'm not entirely sure why the lion found his way to me, or who gave him to me, but I definitely remember it having some connection with strength.  Thinking deeper on it, it makes perfect sense.  Not only am I Alice in Wonderland, but a lot of people used to peg me as Dorothy in the land of Oz.  I swear, that was only the long brown hair worn in braids.  I'm not very much a Dorothy kind of gal, but I am definitely the Cowardly Lion.  I'm timid when it comes to other people and I'm afraid of virtually everything.  Maybe this lion can help me learn the same lesson as the Cowardly Lion did, that I've had the courage all along, I've just needed a reason to seek it out.  Now he's right there in my face, driving me nuts and annoying me with each day that goes by.  He tugs at the other dreads and tangles in with his legs and tail.  He's really quite the nuisance.  I have to admit, on several occasions I thought it might be better to remove him from my hair, or to wrap the dreads around him so he won't get tangled up, but I guess it's his way of constantly reminding me to pay attention to him, and he's right, I need to.  Fittingly, he's the charm that tangles in my hair all the time, right there on the dread that catches on my eyebrow ring all the time!  Maybe they were destined to be friends!

After all that I added a silly little bead.  It was from a bracelet my daughter broke years back.  I warned her it would happen if she kept stretching it out that much, and that's exactly what she did.  The bracelet pieces went into my make-up bag to be fixed later, but that ends never came about.  The pieces fell out one by one as I went from show to show and house to house.  Eventually all that remained was one green bead.  Having nothing else to do with it, I asked my daughter if I could use it, and then in it went, into my hair, a little something to remind me of my daughter.  It's meaning?  Well, a green, happy bead with a flower on it should do nothing more than draw happiness into my life!  I could always use a little more happiness and a little more brightness to my day, couldn't everyone?  It's easy to forget it's tucked back there, but when I need it, I always know just where to find it, all tucked away and safe.

The next was a big Gothic cross that I was given years ago in high school by my friend Missy.  She'd give it to me for the school play, Fortress, where I played a girl named Kim Nolan, obsessed with Superman and her best friend, a boy who lived in the funeral home.  I wore that thing everywhere, and when I finally did take it off for good, I kept telling myself it would go into my dance costume bag and it would be attached to something sooner or later.  Just the other day I pulled it out when I was unpacking.  I'd thought it was gone, disappeared in some move or another, yet here it was!  Not only is it a reminder of the past I'd had and the friends I miss, but it's also a good ward against vampires!  I know, it's not something I really need to worry about, but in a way, it is.  It's an excellent shield against those who would suck the life out of me and cast me aside.  Sure, they may not drink my blood, but they're certainly just as draining.  May this not-so-little piece ward me against those kinds of people, and people with those intents.

Currently the last piece to go into my hair is one that makes people wonder.  It's the 1st Cavalry Division shield.  This is important for many reasons.  First, it was the military that played in my marriage, my impending divorce, and the birth of my youngest child.  I never would have had the life I did now were it not for the military.  It's an occasion worth marking.  It was a gift during the first deployment we went through so  I wore it around my neck on a little black ribbon.  It's been traveling around in my make-up bag ever since.  To me, this represents all the changes that have happened in my life, and is there to help guard me against making the same mistakes again.  It connects me to all the people who have left my life, that I miss incredibly much, many of which were taken all over the country (and some of them even out of the country!) as a part of military service, or upon end of their military careers as they go home.  The list is far too long to mention here, but I love you all.  I miss you very much, and you know who you are.  Be safe, all of you!

I've got other pieces of armor that have yet to go in and I'll talk more about them later.  There's the crossed labarys, a sign of lesbianism in this modern age, but also a sign of the Amazons.  I could use a little warrior woman energy in my life.  It fittingly belongs right next to my lion for courage.  I've got an old Goddess pendant that I've been hanging on to for years and she's very special to me, all curled up in the fetal position like an infant, made of beautiful knot work, sheltered in a knot work crescent moon.  She speaks of rebirth.  Another is a horse pendent that my grandmother gave me when I couldn't have been more than eight or ten. There is another horse too, and another cross.  One charm looks very much like a Christmas ornament.  Another is a lizard with a hinged body.  There are some keys and some rings if I can ever find a way to add them.  My dreads aren't thick enough to wear a ring as a bead, even at a tiny size five or six.  Finally, there is another pentacle that Chesh used to wear as his own.  These all have their own meanings, they're all part of that which protects me and brings good things into my life.  They are my armor.  They are my amulets.  They are my shields.  Certainly I'd be just as well without them, but to me, they're physical representations of something significant, something I need to remember.

I was reading in a book about Plymouth Rock not long ago how the rock was really meaningless.  Chances are the Pilgrims or First Comers never actually set foot on the rock.  It's likely the rock was just there, a witness to it all, but often times people like a solid and tangible reminder of history.  They like to point at something and say, "There, right there!  That's where it all happened."  That's why the Plymouth Rock, in all likeliness just an unusually big rock sitting on the coastline as any other unusually large rock may want to do, ended up becoming such a landmark of significance, all bound up in honor surrounded by Greek columns, and etched with the year 1620.  That's kind of how it is with my adornments, as goes for my piercings.  A part of me wants to be able to have something physical that I can touch and say, "This!  This right here is where it comes from!  This right here was from when it happened!"  It's a physical representation of something so incredibly important.

So this is it, my virtual armor.  These are the pieces I not only use to adorn my dreads, but also for so much more purpose.  These are more than just meaningless trinkets.  They're things that have meaning to me, both in the people who gave them to me, and what they represent in my life.

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