To save on the drama, because it's their business, not mine, I'll give you the short version. My friend's wife has a tendency of doing things that pretty much shows she doesn't give a damn about anyone but herself. She always backs them up with these excuses that don't hold up any deeper than the surface. While other people leave these little pinholes in their logic, she leaves the grand canyon. Even with these shoddy excuses and pathetic attempts to cover herself, her husband still forgives her every time and acts as though nothing happened at all. Why does he do this? Because he makes her feel bad.
The truth is with the way she's acting she deserves to feel bad. It's not like he's actively going out and tearing her down about something she can't help. She's done something that he finds hurtful. She makes him feel bad or hurt and in return she's having to suffer the results of her own actions. The person making her feel bad is none other than herself.
Unfortunately, time and time again the husband feels bad. I can understand that. If you truly love someone you don't want them to feel bad. You'll probably do just about anything to make them feel better, once you're over your own pain about what they've done. Sadly, doing that means when all is said and done they learn that all they have to do is pout a bit, let a few tears drop, and before you know it, everything's just as it should be. If they're lucky, the innocent party in it all feels so poorly that they're now the one taking actions to make it right, when they did nothing wrong to feel bad about!
How does this apply to me? That husband and I have a lot in common. When someone in my life wrongs me, I tend to act, well, cold and a little mean. Should that person cry, whine, feel bad, I don't tell them, "You brought it on yourself by treating me poorly." No, I tend to open my heart to them and feel bad that I said something that might be construed as mean. I feel bad, when in reality, I'm not the one who should feel bad at all. I'm the one who was hurt, and my forgiving nature is causing me to set myself up to go through it again.
The truth is, by forgiving and forgetting, you can easily become a door mat. You can easily be walked over because people come to realize one thing above all else, all they have to do is feel a little bad and you're head over-heels in apologies and trying to make it better. You're not the one who did anything wrong. You're completely entitled to express your pain. However, they make you feel that you're not. They make you feel they were justified.
This is exactly how I got in an abusive and controlling relationship. Instead of putting my foot down and calling things what they were, I kept making excuses for him. Why? He would make excuses to me and therefore I would forgive him. The whole world told me I was being an idiot, or worse, blamed me. I felt so bad all the time that I thought it was all my fault. It took me a good long while to realize that I was being conditioned into accepting pretty much anything he did was for the best, even though it meant using people, losing friends, and having a completely unstable lifestyle.
The truth is that's not forgiveness. That's a lack of self-worth. Forgiveness is a good thing, but you can't "forgive and forget", not completely. You need to recognize patterns in the person's life and if they're still repeating the same action, then they don't feel sorry for what they're doing. It's time to cut your losses and leave or put your foot down. There is no excuse for hurting people you supposedly love, which means pouting and feeling bad shouldn't make anyone feel guilty about being upset.
As sad as it is that my friend is going through this, I know I can't change his situation. That doesn't mean I can't learn from his situation and bring it into my own life. I need to stop being a doormat. I need to stop accepting weak excuses and an upset look because I have no reason to feel bad when other people's actions upset me. They are responsible for their own actions, not me. In reality, if I'm upset or hurt, I've got every right to own my own feelings. If someone does something to hurt me, I have every right to feel bad. If they feel bad about what they've done, it's probably their conscience speaking. This will sound horrible, but they're getting what they asked for. What you put out always returns to you, whether you call it karma, the law of three, holy justice, or whatever.
So what am I getting at? It's about time I developed a spine. It's time I stopped trying to live with things I shouldn't have to live with. It's time I stop feeling guilty about things when I've done nothing wrong. It's time I start looking at the people in my life, and instead of forgiving them blindly and welcoming them back in my life with open arms, I need to put my foot down. Yes, I'll always forgive, but sometimes it's better to forgive and walk away than put yourself in a situation where I'll be hurt because that other person has some growing up to do before our relationship is anything more than hurtful experiences.
My friend may never know he's inspired me this way. I doubt he'll read this blog, and I'm not about to tell him. No matter how I try and say it, it'll come across as though I'm expecting him to change. I hate seeing him walked all over, but I can't ask him to change. I can't tell him how to live his life. However, I need to do this for me. I have a feeling my life is going to be so much better as a result, and I'm going to be a much stronger person. This is going to be a growing experience for me. I can't wait.
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