Those Who Talk and Those Who Chat

My situation in life has given me a lot of thinking to do.  I've been kind of cooped up in the house for a while and I haven't had many people to talk to.  A lot of my friends I've either had to walk away from or have walked away from me for various reasons, and while I consider that a good thing (when I look at the people now absent from my life) it does tend to get lonely.

Someone I met recently suggested I should get online with social chats.  It would be a good way to talk to people and socialize.  I could make some friends that way and then I wouldn't be lonely all the time.  She highly suggested the chat server she was a part of.

Aside from the drama storm that took place when she was on her chat here, I've done a lot of thinking about the whole idea.  I mean, I've met a lot of people through chats over the years.  Some of them were better people than others.  Some of them turned out to be great people.  The drama seemed in many ways to be worth it for the socialization and the friends made.

Then I thought about it a bit deeper.  Chatting with people online is so much less fulfilling.  I mean, sure, there are a couple of friends where chatting online is nice, since we don't get to talk much otherwise, but for the most part, I find it pretty empty.  It's meaningless to talk to a bunch of other people I don't know and will likely never meet.  These bonds are weak at best and if you go a week without talking to them, they often tend to forget who you are.  It just doesn't seem like a deep and personal bond to me, unless you're talking about a local chat where you actually meet up with those people now and again.

In comparison, actual friends are very different.  We're talking about people you form a serious bond with.  True friends have been there in good times and in bad, and not just as text across a screen.  They're the people who give you hugs or listen to you talk on the phone for hours about the latest good or bad in your life because you just needed to share.  True friends try and find a way to help you out when they can, even if that's just in meeting you for coffee because you need to get out.  On top of it all, when you spend time with these friends, your social cup can fill to overflowing.  Neither of you may want to leave, but when you do you part ways feeling better about life.  You feel like you can go even longer without the need of a social fix.

I've come to realize that I need to have some real social interaction in my life.  Yes, I may feel lonely and stressed, but I'd rather have a good friend I can call or someone I can hang out with.  I want to have a community again.  I don't want to fill my time with endless conversations over a computer with people who are easy to bicker with because their friendships don't mean anything.  I'd rather chat online with a good friend that I just don't get to see very often.

Looking at all of that, I've realized what I need, and what I don't.  I don't need an empty world of online friends that share a cyber-universe with me.  I don't need a chat network to support me when I'm down.  What I really need are some good interpersonal interactions.  I need to start making an effort to get out, see people, and make new friends.  I need to be able to have an actual physical community of people I see on a regular basis, no matter what that regular basis may be.

I've started to work on that, in a way.  I go to my kids' homeschool co-op every Monday.  That gives me a bunch of moms to talk with.  True, I must look out of place there with my dreads and my piercings, but no one seems to care.  They're wonderful people.  I've also gone to the local knitting group in the past, and I really need to start going again.  I'm even considering taking quilting lessons.  I don't count my dance classes because, let's face it, it's a lot of work to be the teacher and it's not the best time to socialize and relax.  Even so, I think I really just need to get out there and meet people.  Otherwise, I'm just going to end up feeling lonely all the time.

It's really time I make a change in my life.  I need to surround myself with good people I enjoy sharing my time with.  I need to find some things that I enjoy doing too, after all, hobbies are a big part of a person's life.  Most importantly, I need to recognize that I deserve much better than an online group of people who will never truly know who I am.  I may have my online friends, my message board friends, and things like that, but they should all come secondary and be much less needed than the friends I actually talk with.  Internet friends can be useful in a lot of ways, but they'll never leave me feeling socially fulfilled.

Letting Go of Even More

Anyone who reads regularly already knows that I'm letting go of a few friends in my life.  I've decided it's more than just friends I need to let go of.  My life is really cluttered up and that's bringing me a lot of negativity.  It's time to do something about that.  I really need to get my life back on track.

For those of you who know me well, you know we've recently had a couple car situations come up.  We got our Mazda, but she's having issues.  We also got a minivan, but that's having it's own issues as well.  Since money is short, it's going to be a juggling game to manage our bills and fix everything that needs to be fixed.  Having to rely on friends for rides isn't helping the situation.  While the help is appreciated, it's really an inconvenience on everyone and makes scheduling even more difficult.

In order to get this situation handled, Chesh and I have been thinking of selling off some of our stuff to cover the expenses.  We'd talked about everything as minor as selling a few books to as major as selling off furniture, which is a little extreme and kind of ridiculous if you knew how little furniture we've got.  Whether we're talking in the realm of the extreme, the truth is we could really make this work for us.  There's no reason we can't use this need to our advantage.  Why can't we sell off the stuff we don't use or need anymore that's just cluttering up our house?  This will help us out with getting our feet back on the ground, get our vehicles up and running, and do something we've been meaning to do for quite some time!  We'll finally be downsizing our stuff!

Right now I'm kind of in an "everything must go" phase.  It's not that I want to get rid of everything we own, but we could certainly stand to downsize a lot.  I'm getting rid of a bunch of dance stuff.  Let's be honest, if I don't wear it and I'm not really dancing, why keep it?  I'll keep my favorite pieces, of course, but I think I may just get rid of the ones that just don't get the use and stage time they deserve, especially if I'm not going to be dancing as often as I used to.  I'll be going through the old clothes to see if anything's in good enough condition to be sold instead of given to Goodwill or friends.  I'm picky about the things I consider "good enough to sell".  We're also going to go through other things we have to get rid of as much as possible.  We've got more stuff than we could possibly have any need to keep.  It's going to be so much better for us to let some of it go.

So in the end this works on several plains.  We'll have the good feeling of a less cluttered home.  We'll have a little extra spending money to get our cars back up and running.  Most importantly, we'll feel the spiritual release of getting rid of things we no longer need to be attached to.  What could be better for mind, body, and soul than a little spring cleaning?

Talk About Karma

For the past year or so I've been having a problem with a business competitor of mine.  For sake of anonymity, the actual business doesn't matter, nor do the names.  I'm really more interested in the way things played out than the specific details.  After all, we're talking about karma here.  Karma doesn't care if your rich or poor, black or white, an executive or a private business owner.  What you put out to the world comes back and that's just how it goes.

When I first saw this person, I shuddered in horror when I saw her.  She looked hauntingly like a woman who had been friendly with me at first, but turned around to stab me in the back when I wouldn't play at things her way.  She nearly ruined my business for a while, but I thankfully recovered when other people noticed the same behavior happening to them.  I decided I wouldn't judge this woman by the actions of someone else I had known not that long before.  That had been done to me before and I just wasn't going to do that to someone else.  I know how that feels and it's not nice.  I'd give her a fair chance.  Besides, we'd exchanged e-mails before and she seemed pretty nice, so what was the harm?

It wasn't long before this woman had weaseled her way into the local business territory.  The other local business woman and I went from being the only real people working with this particular company to having someone else push her way in.  What was worse was the way she tried to promote herself as some authority, using her research to try and push us around instead of letting us follow our contracted arrangement.  We tolerated it because she did it with a smile on her face and all in the guise of helping, but the truth was it really burned us up.  It felt like we were there first and should have seniority, but this new pup was pushing in and trying to take over.

It wasn't that much later that her true colors ended up losing us all our contracts with that company.  That whole aspect of our businesses had been run dry and we were now going to have to look for another suitable arrangement.  It was too bad because it was really good for all of us.  Unfortunately, when one person promotes herself as speaking for all the local business people of an area and is misrepresenting us all, it can build a bad name for the business as a whole.

Well, as life would have it, I ended up having to scale down my business and this other business woman was pushed to the point where she just quit.  This new woman got exactly what she wanted.  She was the dominating influence in the area.  All of the business came though her and she got some positively rave reviews for it, though those of us who knew how to spot quality could see she really didn't have it.  She even did everything she could to make the biggest name for herself over everyone else, taking the most desirable web domain for the business and everything.

Unfortunately, this was now not only pushing me out of the business, but also giving a bad taste for the business myself.  I didn't know it at the time, but she as having a hard time finding places to hold contracts.  Her customers were dissatisfied with her services and her negative attitude, so they stopped working with her.  She discouraged people from seeking out my business when they wanted a bit of variety, which made some of her customers rather uncomfortable.  Even when offered an opportunity for nearly free advertising and publicity for her business, she in turn upset the person offering it so much that it ended a work relationship and a friendship.

This woman has really come to show her true colors, not just to me, but to everyone.  She's cutting herself off from the very people she really needs to build her client base.  People don't want to pay for your services if you're not going to be someone they're going to enjoy doing business with.  It doesn't matter whether you offer the best services and goods in the world, if you're a holier-than-thou, stuck up snob, people are going to see that and they're going to respond accordingly.

So how does this play out with karma?  Thankfully the tide has finally turned, though it's taken two and a half years.  One of her customers contacted me and expressed an interest with continuing her business with me instead.  It seems some of the other customers who walked away from her a while back might just be coming my way too.  My business, which I had just about given up on, is now starting to come together without me even really needing to make much effort to rebuild it!

All of that time I've been frustrated, thinking I should just speak my mind about her and her business practices, but now I'm glad I haven't.  I've recommended students to her when I was unavailable to do business at a time or place that was convenient for them.  I did give them the warning to make sure their personalities meshed before becoming a regular customer of the service she provided, but I simply said it was because she occasionally rubs people the wrong way because she has very strong opinions and comes off a bit bold at times.  I bit back my urge to criticize everything about her and instead just said, "Well, she's a lot different than I am, so you might find you can get something with her that you can't get with me."  In the end, keeping that friendly nature really paid off.

But, I have to admit, it was really hard not to say how I really felt.  A part of me wanted to tell everyone how she tried to run me out of business and got that one client to cancel services with all three of the providers there because she came across to them as our spokesperson.  I wanted to make it public how she's vile, spiteful, and more than a little bit mean.  I want to warn everyone against her negativity and her superior attitude, but the longer I bit my tongue, the less I wanted to say those things.

The most surprising day was when I realized that I didn't really care what she was doing.  My business was going under so I decided to take some time off for a well-earned break.  I needed some time to reassess what I really wanted in life, whether this business was really for me or if I was just doing it because it's what I thought I wanted.  I wasn't expecting to get back into the business until fall if I'd decided to keep up with it, but then I had this phone call and before I knew it I was back in business sooner than I'd planned.  I didn't even stop to think whether or not it was what I wanted.  It was as natural as breathing.  I'd never expected releasing my attachment to the outcome would create such a dynamic change in my life!

Sometime after all of this a very angry and kind of spiteful person that I walked away from had some very hateful things to say.  He said that he was fate (whatever that's supposed to mean) and he hopes we get what we have coming to us.  After that phone call earlier in the day, I couldn't help but smile and think, "Yes, actually, I think we finally are."  While I always thought the new year was about starting over fresh, I'd started to doubt in the laws of karma and all of that, but it seems it would be more accurate to say I was shaking out all of last year's dust to make room for a bright new future.  It may have taken a month to do so, but at least I know that things are starting to look up.

Because of all of this, I have a renewed faith in karma.  Keep it coming!  I have a feeling that if I can just keep this mentality of staying positive and not stooping to the level of those that try to get in the way of my life, things are just going to keep on looking up.  I'm taking it one day at a time, but let me tell you, it's starting to feel better and better with every day!

I Just Had to Walk Away

I've been doing a lot of evaluating in my life, mostly of the people in my life.  I know there's a lot of talk in the community about drama, and honestly, I don't really believe in it.  Drama belongs on stage, not between people.  However, I've found that there are people in my life that create a lot of drama.

I know drama seems to be the catch-phrase of people my age and younger.  In other times these people would be referred to as being gossips, selfish, back-biting, and greedy.  I don't ever recall my mom or my aunts referring to a situation or a person as "just a lot of drama".  I'm sure it may have happened, but it seems to be a new phrase that's used to explain the kind of fiasco you expect to see on Jerry Springer.

For the most part, I try to avoid these kinds of people.  I don't like the people who gossip behind each others backs.  I don't like people who use other people.  Most of all, I don't like all the cheating, lying, and stealing that you hear of around here.  I'm just not that kind of person.  I like my life to be calm and peaceful and I like the people in my life to share that same belief.  It's a lot easier to maintain your own grounded sense of calm when the people around you share that same focus.  As a result, I've tried to attract people into my life that live in a smooth, relaxed kind of way, even if they are busy with hectic and sometimes chaotic lives.

I didn't even realize how much I wanted this until I'd met with the local homeschool co-op.  I spent every afternoon after the co-op ended talking with other mothers about purely enjoyable things.  I got to hear stories of adventures in other countries and challenges other parents faced.  I was able to enjoy sharing my own passions in life, which was absolutely wonderful.  It was relaxed and casual.  Unlike other visits with friends that really were a lot of drama, when I left I felt pretty good about myself.  Often times I got home feeling like I could take on the world because I'd actually had a really good time.

This wasn't the only place I'd run into people who were so grown-up and civil.  When I went out to the local knitting group I found it was much the same.  The people there were wonderful.  I guess I just didn't realize how much it meant to me until I started going to the co-op, seeing my kids enjoy time with other kids their own age while I got to enjoy being an adult.  There was something about the experience that woke me up.

A light was shone on the other people in my life.  I started to realize how I'd surrounded myself with a group of immature people who acted like they'd never left high school.  It's not so much that these people were horrible people, but they were gossips and were looking out for their own desires.  They were always number one in their books, even if what they were doing wasn't ethical in the least.

Two of these people had a very similar mentality.  It was all about their bottom line.  It was all about how they could benefit.  In many cases it was all about how they could get money out of us, be it money for food, money for gas, or whatever it may be.  It's all about getting something out of helping us, and the more they can get, the more willing they are to help.

In other cases, sadly, it was the green eyed beast that took other friends.  They were jealous of us.  For whatever reason, they seemed to think that we had it made.  I have the perfect man, the perfect family, and the perfect life.  This isn't exactly something I've seen with one or two friends.  It's sadly common.  They talk about how incredibly wonderful Chesh is (without seeing all the rough times we've suffered through) and how I'm so lucky to have him.  They tell me my kids are so wonderful, even though they never see them when they've got me at wit's end and completely worn into the ground.  I keep hearing how we have everything, yet they don't seem to see that for so long we didn't have a car or we were living off what little we could scrape together because Chesh was out of work or didn't make enough at his job.  They never saw how hard I had to work at everything without very much help, and when I did get help, half the time I was charged an arm and a leg for it, or it came at some other extreme cost.

With these sorts of people, often times they didn't look at what they had.  It wasn't uncommon for them to receive help from their family, or live with their family when they had nowhere to go.  Friends and family were often giving them gifts of things when they needed it, or giving them rides without receiving anything in return.  They could go eat with other people when they didn't have money for food, or people would gift them a car and in some cases even pay for all the needed repairs to make the car run well again.  These free hand-outs were often ignored because I had something they wanted, be it children, a significant other, or whatever else it may be.  They don't see that there are things other people could be jealous of in their lives.  It's one of those "the grass is greener" moments.

I'm just not willing to put up with all of that anymore.  I don't need "friends" in my life that are just trying to help me out so they can get something out of it.  I don't need friends that are going to make my life more difficult because of their own jealousy, whether it's by avoidance, being cruel, or otherwise trying to interfere with my life.  I don't need friends that are going to be gossips and back-biters.  My life will be of a much higher quality without that kind of negative influence in my life.

It's not easy to have to walk away from people I liked to consider my friends.  It's not easy to walk away from people who were such a huge part of my social support network.  These people filled a void in my life for a very long time, but I just don't need them anymore.

Instead of having people like that, I'm finding people that are more on my level.  I never thought I'd hear myself saying this, but most of the people in our lives are younger than me, and in many cases, Chesh too.  That's not out of choice, but more situation.  They tend to be the people we've ended up exposed to, so that's where our friendships come from.  They tend to match in maturity to their ages.  However, now I'm finding I prefer people who are closer to my own age, and definitely closer to my own situation.  I don't even mean people who are in a rough financial spot.  It's more that I prefer people who are also parents, preferably homeschooling parents, but I'm not exclusive on that.  The people Chesh and I need to be surrounding ourselves with, and truthfully enjoy more are mature, responsible people who really understand that life is about living, not about the details.  Sure, we may be stuck on a lot of details in our own lives right now, but that will pass, and I think everyone realizes that these phases happen.  Bad things happen to good people, then they get better and everyone moves on.

On a deeper level, I think we've been experiencing a lot of problems because of the people we've surrounded ourselves with.  Instead of focusing on positive people and keeping ourselves in a positive direction, we've surrounded ourselves with a lot of people who bring negative stresses into our lives and bring us down.  If the world really does work in the way that what you put out is what you get in return, then we've been getting exactly what we deserve, if nothing else then because we've been immersing ourselves in so much negativity brought on us by the people we surround ourselves with.  I've noticed that when we focus on surrounding ourselves with good, positive people, we all end up a lot happier, and in reflection a lot more good comes into our lives.  This should be a signal that we should change our crowd and work harder on the people and families that we find uplifting.

I have a feeling things are going to change for us.  We're going to be facing much more positive in our lives.  Whenever you cut out the dead weight, things suddenly seem so much brighter.  I've noticed that when things seem brighter, often times they often keep with the trend of actually being brighter.  Letting go of these people might just be that magic solution we needed.  We'll be taking a step forward in our lives.  Maybe walking away from the people who have been holding us back is exactly what we needed to bring ourselves a little more happiness, and with that happiness, we'll finally start seeing things turn around for the better again.  It's only a matter of time.

Who knew finding hope and a positive outlook would be as simple as walking away from the people who have brought us so much pain, negativity, and conflict?  Who knew that would be all it takes to at least feel like things might just be turning around?  I feel better already, and our situation hasn't changed, just the people involved in our lives have.