I've been doing a lot of thinking about a friend of mine lately. He's generally a good sort of guy, or so I thought. I'm not going to get into the details because it really doesn't matter. I've seen this sort of thing time and time again. This will not be the first person I meet that's like this, and it certainly won't be the last.
This friend fits into a certain profile. I've noticed that I've met more than a few friends that fit the image, so I'm going to talk general, not specific here. Any likeness to someone you know is probably just because they fit the profile too, so just realize that I'm making this a mash-up of several people I've known who fit the same description. I've known quite a few over the past twelve years, so I've got a lot to go on.
See, this group of people is made up of people on disability. For many of them, their disability isn't something that would prevent them from working. In some cases they're completely making up some mental illness, or making it out to be worse than it is. They get their government check every month and that's all they ever want. That's how they live, government check to government check, be it from the V.A., social security, or the Department of Human Services. They don't aspire towards anything more.
The kind of people I'm talking about often relish in that check and then spend their money like wild. They didn't work to earn it, so it's easy not to have a reference to it's actual value. They complain when the money runs out that they've got no money to pay for gas or bills, but it's all because they've squandered it all earlier on vacations, clothing, eating out, cigarettes, video games, and movies. They don't spend responsibly, so they get cranky when they've run out.
Another frustrating trend with these people is their need to possess others. They start dating a girl or a guy and expect them to be around all the time. Often one of the first things they do is move their significant other in, or at the very least, have them over all the time. They tend to be obsessed with their significant other and want to spend all their time together. Often times they're untrusting and want to look into everything their significant other is doing, sometimes as obsessive as to check their phone or other messaging software. They stalk their significant other's Facebook, or check it when their significant other isn't on. They develop this stalker-like obsession. As a result, they smother their significant other and often drive them away, or cause tons of conflict in their relationship at the very least.
I've known a few of these people to have kids, though, thankfully, most of them don't. Those that do tend to have the same trend. They use their disability to pawn their kids off on someone else while they go off living their absent existence. Sure, they get involved with their kids now and again, but usually it's only when they get something out of it, like attention from taking their kid to an event, or sympathy because their family knows how hard it is for them. Otherwise the kid gets ignored, which is incredibly sad, or in the worst case I've seen, abused and neglected.
People like this often just exist. Their days are spent eating out and playing video games or watching television. They don't tend to go out with their friends much, but I think that's largely because they don't have many friends. They lose patience with people quickly when they aren't available to hang out whenever, or when they have to go home early or can't come over because of other responsibilities like work or kids.
Now, I'm not saying everyone on disability shares these traits. For all the people I've known who simply exist on disability, I've known almost as many who want to use disability for what it's there for. Many of them are struggling to overcome their disability so they can rejoin the working world to become "productive members of society". Others know their disability is something that will hinder them for the rest of their lives and try to use their time on disability to learn to live and work within their own boundaries, and are as productive in the world around them as they are able to be. They try and make the best of their situation, live their life to it's fullest, and enjoy their friends and family as much as possible. They try to turn their time on disability into a positive, not just something that will allow them to exist.
For me, I can't stand people that just exist in this world. I'd take a person on disability actually trying to make the best of it over one just existing any day. I'd take a friend that was struggling to make ends meet in their family over someone just existing. I've even known several people who could have tried for disability and might have even gotten on it, but chose not to because they didn't want to use up a resource that someone else would have more need of than they would. At least all these people are trying to make something of their lives, even if they suffer pitfalls along the way.
One thing I've learned in all my struggles is no matter how easy the people who exist on disability have it, I'd take my life over theirs any day. I've never once gotten that entitled feeling that so many others have had, that someone owes me a living. I've always felt good about what I've done when I do it. At the end of the day I can look at my accomplishments and feel like I've really made it somewhere in my life. I've done something. I've made a mark. Sure, the only thing I may have done was pay the electric bill, or juggled the bills in such a way that nothing's going to get shut off on us for a week longer, but I feel like I've accomplished something. Even those small victories are something to be proud of.
By living my life every day for something more than whatever I happen to do that day, I'm actually standing for something. I'm not just settling for the normal day-in-day-out lifestyle. I do more than sit around playing video games, chatting on the phone, and getting upset that my significant other is leaving the house to do things. Actually, I'm glad when he leaves the house more often than not! I get some me time that way!
One of the advantages of not just sitting around, waiting for the next government check to roll in is my appreciation for money. I have to work hard for my income, and when it's not me, it's someone in my family. Because that money is earned, not given, we've got a better appreciation for how far it goes. Spending $50 on a video game comes with much more consideration when you know exactly how much work you've had to put in to earn that $50. Spending $15 on a movie takes a lot more thought when you know what that money really means. Even the decision to eat out versus eat at home comes with some deep consideration. How much extra work does it take to pay for that dinner out over the work required with cooking at home? Is it really going to be worth it?
I know a lot of people view my child support as "free money", but I view that as income paid for being a single parent. That money goes to support the kids, but that's because I'm the one doing all the work to raise them. I'm the one that puts them to bed at night. I'm the one that takes care of their education. I'm the one that's there for them when they've had a bad day. I'm the one that has to get stuck with the bad behavior when they fight getting the sleep they need or when they're just not feeling well. I do a lot of work for my kids, so in return, I've earned a little financial help in raising them.
Since my life is built around so much more than just sitting around, blowing money, and living off a government check, I feel like my relationships are more valid too. The people I have in my life aren't the convenient ones that are around because no one else wants to put up with me. The people in my life are people I've worked to earn friendships with. They're people I've actually put some effort into. I'm much more willing to put effort into friendships and to make things work. After all, friendships and relationships require a lot of effort. It's easy to take them for granted too when everything is just a free hand-out. It's easy to see that when you just wait around for that government check so you can go hog-wild. but often times your friends start to see that you're not willing to put any effort into keeping the relationship alive. It's all based on your friends' efforts, or you call them when you need something, a trait many people just don't like. No one likes a person always searching for hand-outs and help.
When you have to work for everything you have, you value it that much more. Friendships become more meaningful when they're the usual give and take. Money becomes something to be cautiously watched, which not only helps you value what you have, but plan for your future. Possessions become more valuable because they're not just something you own, but something you assess based on the accomplishment that earned it. Everything you work for from skills to physical items to mental and spiritual well-being will come with that much more of a sense of pride and accomplishment.
Again, I feel this needs repeating, but not everyone on disability is the same kind of person, just waiting on their check to come in. I've known some very beautiful people who may not have to work to earn a wage like most of us, but instead they have to work towards other things. They have to work towards becoming capable again after an injury. They have to work towards finding mental stability and a grounded place where they can feel "normal". They go to doctor's appointments and therapists and push themselves every day to become more than they were the day before. To these people, their accomplishments have meaning too. No, their money may not be in an hourly wage, but they think of it in reference to the great amount of work they've done in appointments and everything else to earn that money. They think about the day when they may no longer need to take money for disability, but instead can claim their own hard-earned wages, even if it starts out at 15-20 hours per week. They work to build strong friendships because they know they need that support system to help them through their challenges. They appreciate the things they have because they know it takes a lot of courage to tell the world you're not able to help yourself, then step up and take the help they need. They're not looking to live off the system, just to give themselves the freedom to pursue the healing they require to move on with their lives. That's just as noble as someone who goes out and earns a wage at a job. That's as noble as a mom who chooses to stay home and raise their kids.
The difference I'm pointing out here is that there are people who live the same way each day, smothering those who come in their lives or being whining and demanding, and there are those who truly choose to live each day. Those who live off of doing nothing and expect everything to be handed to them often don't appreciate what they have, so they choose not to live, but just exist. They don't look back at their lives thinking, "Look how far I've come! Who would have thought I'd ever accomplish that?" Instead they look back and before long the days remain the same, though the players and the mindless diversions change. Those of us who choose to live may see the faces change just as quickly, but at least we know that when we look back we'll see trying times and challenges we've overcome, good experiences that will make us laugh years later, and moments that truly make us feel that our lives are valuable and truly have meaning. We'll notice we've made an impact on the world around us, and not just an indentation from our but upon the couch and a huge drain on the world's electrical demand. We'll feel like we've really chosen to live.
It wasn't until I started to see this friend for his true colors that I really started to think about what it really meant to live, and how he wasn't. At first I was angry with him, but then I realized I wouldn't want to live like him. It's a pathetic, sad existence. Then I felt sorry for him, but I realized I shouldn't feel sorry. He chose to live his life the way he did. Finally, I came to the conclusion that the only thing to do was let him go. I don't need friends like that holding me back. I need friends who truly want to live, to move forward in their lives and truly indulge in the experiences, good and bad, that the world around them can provide. I have a lesson to learn all of this. Instead of taking what I can get and dealing with it, I should just open myself up to the possibilities and take in all the experiences my life has to offer.
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