My situation in life has given me a lot of thinking to do. I've been kind of cooped up in the house for a while and I haven't had many people to talk to. A lot of my friends I've either had to walk away from or have walked away from me for various reasons, and while I consider that a good thing (when I look at the people now absent from my life) it does tend to get lonely.
Someone I met recently suggested I should get online with social chats. It would be a good way to talk to people and socialize. I could make some friends that way and then I wouldn't be lonely all the time. She highly suggested the chat server she was a part of.
Aside from the drama storm that took place when she was on her chat here, I've done a lot of thinking about the whole idea. I mean, I've met a lot of people through chats over the years. Some of them were better people than others. Some of them turned out to be great people. The drama seemed in many ways to be worth it for the socialization and the friends made.
Then I thought about it a bit deeper. Chatting with people online is so much less fulfilling. I mean, sure, there are a couple of friends where chatting online is nice, since we don't get to talk much otherwise, but for the most part, I find it pretty empty. It's meaningless to talk to a bunch of other people I don't know and will likely never meet. These bonds are weak at best and if you go a week without talking to them, they often tend to forget who you are. It just doesn't seem like a deep and personal bond to me, unless you're talking about a local chat where you actually meet up with those people now and again.
In comparison, actual friends are very different. We're talking about people you form a serious bond with. True friends have been there in good times and in bad, and not just as text across a screen. They're the people who give you hugs or listen to you talk on the phone for hours about the latest good or bad in your life because you just needed to share. True friends try and find a way to help you out when they can, even if that's just in meeting you for coffee because you need to get out. On top of it all, when you spend time with these friends, your social cup can fill to overflowing. Neither of you may want to leave, but when you do you part ways feeling better about life. You feel like you can go even longer without the need of a social fix.
I've come to realize that I need to have some real social interaction in my life. Yes, I may feel lonely and stressed, but I'd rather have a good friend I can call or someone I can hang out with. I want to have a community again. I don't want to fill my time with endless conversations over a computer with people who are easy to bicker with because their friendships don't mean anything. I'd rather chat online with a good friend that I just don't get to see very often.
Looking at all of that, I've realized what I need, and what I don't. I don't need an empty world of online friends that share a cyber-universe with me. I don't need a chat network to support me when I'm down. What I really need are some good interpersonal interactions. I need to start making an effort to get out, see people, and make new friends. I need to be able to have an actual physical community of people I see on a regular basis, no matter what that regular basis may be.
I've started to work on that, in a way. I go to my kids' homeschool co-op every Monday. That gives me a bunch of moms to talk with. True, I must look out of place there with my dreads and my piercings, but no one seems to care. They're wonderful people. I've also gone to the local knitting group in the past, and I really need to start going again. I'm even considering taking quilting lessons. I don't count my dance classes because, let's face it, it's a lot of work to be the teacher and it's not the best time to socialize and relax. Even so, I think I really just need to get out there and meet people. Otherwise, I'm just going to end up feeling lonely all the time.
It's really time I make a change in my life. I need to surround myself with good people I enjoy sharing my time with. I need to find some things that I enjoy doing too, after all, hobbies are a big part of a person's life. Most importantly, I need to recognize that I deserve much better than an online group of people who will never truly know who I am. I may have my online friends, my message board friends, and things like that, but they should all come secondary and be much less needed than the friends I actually talk with. Internet friends can be useful in a lot of ways, but they'll never leave me feeling socially fulfilled.
Thursday, February 9, 2012
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
Letting Go of Even More
Anyone who reads regularly already knows that I'm letting go of a few friends in my life. I've decided it's more than just friends I need to let go of. My life is really cluttered up and that's bringing me a lot of negativity. It's time to do something about that. I really need to get my life back on track.
For those of you who know me well, you know we've recently had a couple car situations come up. We got our Mazda, but she's having issues. We also got a minivan, but that's having it's own issues as well. Since money is short, it's going to be a juggling game to manage our bills and fix everything that needs to be fixed. Having to rely on friends for rides isn't helping the situation. While the help is appreciated, it's really an inconvenience on everyone and makes scheduling even more difficult.
In order to get this situation handled, Chesh and I have been thinking of selling off some of our stuff to cover the expenses. We'd talked about everything as minor as selling a few books to as major as selling off furniture, which is a little extreme and kind of ridiculous if you knew how little furniture we've got. Whether we're talking in the realm of the extreme, the truth is we could really make this work for us. There's no reason we can't use this need to our advantage. Why can't we sell off the stuff we don't use or need anymore that's just cluttering up our house? This will help us out with getting our feet back on the ground, get our vehicles up and running, and do something we've been meaning to do for quite some time! We'll finally be downsizing our stuff!
Right now I'm kind of in an "everything must go" phase. It's not that I want to get rid of everything we own, but we could certainly stand to downsize a lot. I'm getting rid of a bunch of dance stuff. Let's be honest, if I don't wear it and I'm not really dancing, why keep it? I'll keep my favorite pieces, of course, but I think I may just get rid of the ones that just don't get the use and stage time they deserve, especially if I'm not going to be dancing as often as I used to. I'll be going through the old clothes to see if anything's in good enough condition to be sold instead of given to Goodwill or friends. I'm picky about the things I consider "good enough to sell". We're also going to go through other things we have to get rid of as much as possible. We've got more stuff than we could possibly have any need to keep. It's going to be so much better for us to let some of it go.
So in the end this works on several plains. We'll have the good feeling of a less cluttered home. We'll have a little extra spending money to get our cars back up and running. Most importantly, we'll feel the spiritual release of getting rid of things we no longer need to be attached to. What could be better for mind, body, and soul than a little spring cleaning?
For those of you who know me well, you know we've recently had a couple car situations come up. We got our Mazda, but she's having issues. We also got a minivan, but that's having it's own issues as well. Since money is short, it's going to be a juggling game to manage our bills and fix everything that needs to be fixed. Having to rely on friends for rides isn't helping the situation. While the help is appreciated, it's really an inconvenience on everyone and makes scheduling even more difficult.
In order to get this situation handled, Chesh and I have been thinking of selling off some of our stuff to cover the expenses. We'd talked about everything as minor as selling a few books to as major as selling off furniture, which is a little extreme and kind of ridiculous if you knew how little furniture we've got. Whether we're talking in the realm of the extreme, the truth is we could really make this work for us. There's no reason we can't use this need to our advantage. Why can't we sell off the stuff we don't use or need anymore that's just cluttering up our house? This will help us out with getting our feet back on the ground, get our vehicles up and running, and do something we've been meaning to do for quite some time! We'll finally be downsizing our stuff!
Right now I'm kind of in an "everything must go" phase. It's not that I want to get rid of everything we own, but we could certainly stand to downsize a lot. I'm getting rid of a bunch of dance stuff. Let's be honest, if I don't wear it and I'm not really dancing, why keep it? I'll keep my favorite pieces, of course, but I think I may just get rid of the ones that just don't get the use and stage time they deserve, especially if I'm not going to be dancing as often as I used to. I'll be going through the old clothes to see if anything's in good enough condition to be sold instead of given to Goodwill or friends. I'm picky about the things I consider "good enough to sell". We're also going to go through other things we have to get rid of as much as possible. We've got more stuff than we could possibly have any need to keep. It's going to be so much better for us to let some of it go.
So in the end this works on several plains. We'll have the good feeling of a less cluttered home. We'll have a little extra spending money to get our cars back up and running. Most importantly, we'll feel the spiritual release of getting rid of things we no longer need to be attached to. What could be better for mind, body, and soul than a little spring cleaning?
Friday, February 3, 2012
Talk About Karma
For the past year or so I've been having a problem with a business competitor of mine. For sake of anonymity, the actual business doesn't matter, nor do the names. I'm really more interested in the way things played out than the specific details. After all, we're talking about karma here. Karma doesn't care if your rich or poor, black or white, an executive or a private business owner. What you put out to the world comes back and that's just how it goes.
When I first saw this person, I shuddered in horror when I saw her. She looked hauntingly like a woman who had been friendly with me at first, but turned around to stab me in the back when I wouldn't play at things her way. She nearly ruined my business for a while, but I thankfully recovered when other people noticed the same behavior happening to them. I decided I wouldn't judge this woman by the actions of someone else I had known not that long before. That had been done to me before and I just wasn't going to do that to someone else. I know how that feels and it's not nice. I'd give her a fair chance. Besides, we'd exchanged e-mails before and she seemed pretty nice, so what was the harm?
It wasn't long before this woman had weaseled her way into the local business territory. The other local business woman and I went from being the only real people working with this particular company to having someone else push her way in. What was worse was the way she tried to promote herself as some authority, using her research to try and push us around instead of letting us follow our contracted arrangement. We tolerated it because she did it with a smile on her face and all in the guise of helping, but the truth was it really burned us up. It felt like we were there first and should have seniority, but this new pup was pushing in and trying to take over.
It wasn't that much later that her true colors ended up losing us all our contracts with that company. That whole aspect of our businesses had been run dry and we were now going to have to look for another suitable arrangement. It was too bad because it was really good for all of us. Unfortunately, when one person promotes herself as speaking for all the local business people of an area and is misrepresenting us all, it can build a bad name for the business as a whole.
Well, as life would have it, I ended up having to scale down my business and this other business woman was pushed to the point where she just quit. This new woman got exactly what she wanted. She was the dominating influence in the area. All of the business came though her and she got some positively rave reviews for it, though those of us who knew how to spot quality could see she really didn't have it. She even did everything she could to make the biggest name for herself over everyone else, taking the most desirable web domain for the business and everything.
Unfortunately, this was now not only pushing me out of the business, but also giving a bad taste for the business myself. I didn't know it at the time, but she as having a hard time finding places to hold contracts. Her customers were dissatisfied with her services and her negative attitude, so they stopped working with her. She discouraged people from seeking out my business when they wanted a bit of variety, which made some of her customers rather uncomfortable. Even when offered an opportunity for nearly free advertising and publicity for her business, she in turn upset the person offering it so much that it ended a work relationship and a friendship.
This woman has really come to show her true colors, not just to me, but to everyone. She's cutting herself off from the very people she really needs to build her client base. People don't want to pay for your services if you're not going to be someone they're going to enjoy doing business with. It doesn't matter whether you offer the best services and goods in the world, if you're a holier-than-thou, stuck up snob, people are going to see that and they're going to respond accordingly.
So how does this play out with karma? Thankfully the tide has finally turned, though it's taken two and a half years. One of her customers contacted me and expressed an interest with continuing her business with me instead. It seems some of the other customers who walked away from her a while back might just be coming my way too. My business, which I had just about given up on, is now starting to come together without me even really needing to make much effort to rebuild it!
All of that time I've been frustrated, thinking I should just speak my mind about her and her business practices, but now I'm glad I haven't. I've recommended students to her when I was unavailable to do business at a time or place that was convenient for them. I did give them the warning to make sure their personalities meshed before becoming a regular customer of the service she provided, but I simply said it was because she occasionally rubs people the wrong way because she has very strong opinions and comes off a bit bold at times. I bit back my urge to criticize everything about her and instead just said, "Well, she's a lot different than I am, so you might find you can get something with her that you can't get with me." In the end, keeping that friendly nature really paid off.
But, I have to admit, it was really hard not to say how I really felt. A part of me wanted to tell everyone how she tried to run me out of business and got that one client to cancel services with all three of the providers there because she came across to them as our spokesperson. I wanted to make it public how she's vile, spiteful, and more than a little bit mean. I want to warn everyone against her negativity and her superior attitude, but the longer I bit my tongue, the less I wanted to say those things.
The most surprising day was when I realized that I didn't really care what she was doing. My business was going under so I decided to take some time off for a well-earned break. I needed some time to reassess what I really wanted in life, whether this business was really for me or if I was just doing it because it's what I thought I wanted. I wasn't expecting to get back into the business until fall if I'd decided to keep up with it, but then I had this phone call and before I knew it I was back in business sooner than I'd planned. I didn't even stop to think whether or not it was what I wanted. It was as natural as breathing. I'd never expected releasing my attachment to the outcome would create such a dynamic change in my life!
Sometime after all of this a very angry and kind of spiteful person that I walked away from had some very hateful things to say. He said that he was fate (whatever that's supposed to mean) and he hopes we get what we have coming to us. After that phone call earlier in the day, I couldn't help but smile and think, "Yes, actually, I think we finally are." While I always thought the new year was about starting over fresh, I'd started to doubt in the laws of karma and all of that, but it seems it would be more accurate to say I was shaking out all of last year's dust to make room for a bright new future. It may have taken a month to do so, but at least I know that things are starting to look up.
Because of all of this, I have a renewed faith in karma. Keep it coming! I have a feeling that if I can just keep this mentality of staying positive and not stooping to the level of those that try to get in the way of my life, things are just going to keep on looking up. I'm taking it one day at a time, but let me tell you, it's starting to feel better and better with every day!
When I first saw this person, I shuddered in horror when I saw her. She looked hauntingly like a woman who had been friendly with me at first, but turned around to stab me in the back when I wouldn't play at things her way. She nearly ruined my business for a while, but I thankfully recovered when other people noticed the same behavior happening to them. I decided I wouldn't judge this woman by the actions of someone else I had known not that long before. That had been done to me before and I just wasn't going to do that to someone else. I know how that feels and it's not nice. I'd give her a fair chance. Besides, we'd exchanged e-mails before and she seemed pretty nice, so what was the harm?
It wasn't long before this woman had weaseled her way into the local business territory. The other local business woman and I went from being the only real people working with this particular company to having someone else push her way in. What was worse was the way she tried to promote herself as some authority, using her research to try and push us around instead of letting us follow our contracted arrangement. We tolerated it because she did it with a smile on her face and all in the guise of helping, but the truth was it really burned us up. It felt like we were there first and should have seniority, but this new pup was pushing in and trying to take over.
It wasn't that much later that her true colors ended up losing us all our contracts with that company. That whole aspect of our businesses had been run dry and we were now going to have to look for another suitable arrangement. It was too bad because it was really good for all of us. Unfortunately, when one person promotes herself as speaking for all the local business people of an area and is misrepresenting us all, it can build a bad name for the business as a whole.
Well, as life would have it, I ended up having to scale down my business and this other business woman was pushed to the point where she just quit. This new woman got exactly what she wanted. She was the dominating influence in the area. All of the business came though her and she got some positively rave reviews for it, though those of us who knew how to spot quality could see she really didn't have it. She even did everything she could to make the biggest name for herself over everyone else, taking the most desirable web domain for the business and everything.
Unfortunately, this was now not only pushing me out of the business, but also giving a bad taste for the business myself. I didn't know it at the time, but she as having a hard time finding places to hold contracts. Her customers were dissatisfied with her services and her negative attitude, so they stopped working with her. She discouraged people from seeking out my business when they wanted a bit of variety, which made some of her customers rather uncomfortable. Even when offered an opportunity for nearly free advertising and publicity for her business, she in turn upset the person offering it so much that it ended a work relationship and a friendship.
This woman has really come to show her true colors, not just to me, but to everyone. She's cutting herself off from the very people she really needs to build her client base. People don't want to pay for your services if you're not going to be someone they're going to enjoy doing business with. It doesn't matter whether you offer the best services and goods in the world, if you're a holier-than-thou, stuck up snob, people are going to see that and they're going to respond accordingly.
So how does this play out with karma? Thankfully the tide has finally turned, though it's taken two and a half years. One of her customers contacted me and expressed an interest with continuing her business with me instead. It seems some of the other customers who walked away from her a while back might just be coming my way too. My business, which I had just about given up on, is now starting to come together without me even really needing to make much effort to rebuild it!
All of that time I've been frustrated, thinking I should just speak my mind about her and her business practices, but now I'm glad I haven't. I've recommended students to her when I was unavailable to do business at a time or place that was convenient for them. I did give them the warning to make sure their personalities meshed before becoming a regular customer of the service she provided, but I simply said it was because she occasionally rubs people the wrong way because she has very strong opinions and comes off a bit bold at times. I bit back my urge to criticize everything about her and instead just said, "Well, she's a lot different than I am, so you might find you can get something with her that you can't get with me." In the end, keeping that friendly nature really paid off.
But, I have to admit, it was really hard not to say how I really felt. A part of me wanted to tell everyone how she tried to run me out of business and got that one client to cancel services with all three of the providers there because she came across to them as our spokesperson. I wanted to make it public how she's vile, spiteful, and more than a little bit mean. I want to warn everyone against her negativity and her superior attitude, but the longer I bit my tongue, the less I wanted to say those things.
The most surprising day was when I realized that I didn't really care what she was doing. My business was going under so I decided to take some time off for a well-earned break. I needed some time to reassess what I really wanted in life, whether this business was really for me or if I was just doing it because it's what I thought I wanted. I wasn't expecting to get back into the business until fall if I'd decided to keep up with it, but then I had this phone call and before I knew it I was back in business sooner than I'd planned. I didn't even stop to think whether or not it was what I wanted. It was as natural as breathing. I'd never expected releasing my attachment to the outcome would create such a dynamic change in my life!
Sometime after all of this a very angry and kind of spiteful person that I walked away from had some very hateful things to say. He said that he was fate (whatever that's supposed to mean) and he hopes we get what we have coming to us. After that phone call earlier in the day, I couldn't help but smile and think, "Yes, actually, I think we finally are." While I always thought the new year was about starting over fresh, I'd started to doubt in the laws of karma and all of that, but it seems it would be more accurate to say I was shaking out all of last year's dust to make room for a bright new future. It may have taken a month to do so, but at least I know that things are starting to look up.
Because of all of this, I have a renewed faith in karma. Keep it coming! I have a feeling that if I can just keep this mentality of staying positive and not stooping to the level of those that try to get in the way of my life, things are just going to keep on looking up. I'm taking it one day at a time, but let me tell you, it's starting to feel better and better with every day!
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
I Just Had to Walk Away
I've been doing a lot of evaluating in my life, mostly of the people in my life. I know there's a lot of talk in the community about drama, and honestly, I don't really believe in it. Drama belongs on stage, not between people. However, I've found that there are people in my life that create a lot of drama.
I know drama seems to be the catch-phrase of people my age and younger. In other times these people would be referred to as being gossips, selfish, back-biting, and greedy. I don't ever recall my mom or my aunts referring to a situation or a person as "just a lot of drama". I'm sure it may have happened, but it seems to be a new phrase that's used to explain the kind of fiasco you expect to see on Jerry Springer.
For the most part, I try to avoid these kinds of people. I don't like the people who gossip behind each others backs. I don't like people who use other people. Most of all, I don't like all the cheating, lying, and stealing that you hear of around here. I'm just not that kind of person. I like my life to be calm and peaceful and I like the people in my life to share that same belief. It's a lot easier to maintain your own grounded sense of calm when the people around you share that same focus. As a result, I've tried to attract people into my life that live in a smooth, relaxed kind of way, even if they are busy with hectic and sometimes chaotic lives.
I didn't even realize how much I wanted this until I'd met with the local homeschool co-op. I spent every afternoon after the co-op ended talking with other mothers about purely enjoyable things. I got to hear stories of adventures in other countries and challenges other parents faced. I was able to enjoy sharing my own passions in life, which was absolutely wonderful. It was relaxed and casual. Unlike other visits with friends that really were a lot of drama, when I left I felt pretty good about myself. Often times I got home feeling like I could take on the world because I'd actually had a really good time.
This wasn't the only place I'd run into people who were so grown-up and civil. When I went out to the local knitting group I found it was much the same. The people there were wonderful. I guess I just didn't realize how much it meant to me until I started going to the co-op, seeing my kids enjoy time with other kids their own age while I got to enjoy being an adult. There was something about the experience that woke me up.
A light was shone on the other people in my life. I started to realize how I'd surrounded myself with a group of immature people who acted like they'd never left high school. It's not so much that these people were horrible people, but they were gossips and were looking out for their own desires. They were always number one in their books, even if what they were doing wasn't ethical in the least.
Two of these people had a very similar mentality. It was all about their bottom line. It was all about how they could benefit. In many cases it was all about how they could get money out of us, be it money for food, money for gas, or whatever it may be. It's all about getting something out of helping us, and the more they can get, the more willing they are to help.
In other cases, sadly, it was the green eyed beast that took other friends. They were jealous of us. For whatever reason, they seemed to think that we had it made. I have the perfect man, the perfect family, and the perfect life. This isn't exactly something I've seen with one or two friends. It's sadly common. They talk about how incredibly wonderful Chesh is (without seeing all the rough times we've suffered through) and how I'm so lucky to have him. They tell me my kids are so wonderful, even though they never see them when they've got me at wit's end and completely worn into the ground. I keep hearing how we have everything, yet they don't seem to see that for so long we didn't have a car or we were living off what little we could scrape together because Chesh was out of work or didn't make enough at his job. They never saw how hard I had to work at everything without very much help, and when I did get help, half the time I was charged an arm and a leg for it, or it came at some other extreme cost.
With these sorts of people, often times they didn't look at what they had. It wasn't uncommon for them to receive help from their family, or live with their family when they had nowhere to go. Friends and family were often giving them gifts of things when they needed it, or giving them rides without receiving anything in return. They could go eat with other people when they didn't have money for food, or people would gift them a car and in some cases even pay for all the needed repairs to make the car run well again. These free hand-outs were often ignored because I had something they wanted, be it children, a significant other, or whatever else it may be. They don't see that there are things other people could be jealous of in their lives. It's one of those "the grass is greener" moments.
I'm just not willing to put up with all of that anymore. I don't need "friends" in my life that are just trying to help me out so they can get something out of it. I don't need friends that are going to make my life more difficult because of their own jealousy, whether it's by avoidance, being cruel, or otherwise trying to interfere with my life. I don't need friends that are going to be gossips and back-biters. My life will be of a much higher quality without that kind of negative influence in my life.
It's not easy to have to walk away from people I liked to consider my friends. It's not easy to walk away from people who were such a huge part of my social support network. These people filled a void in my life for a very long time, but I just don't need them anymore.
Instead of having people like that, I'm finding people that are more on my level. I never thought I'd hear myself saying this, but most of the people in our lives are younger than me, and in many cases, Chesh too. That's not out of choice, but more situation. They tend to be the people we've ended up exposed to, so that's where our friendships come from. They tend to match in maturity to their ages. However, now I'm finding I prefer people who are closer to my own age, and definitely closer to my own situation. I don't even mean people who are in a rough financial spot. It's more that I prefer people who are also parents, preferably homeschooling parents, but I'm not exclusive on that. The people Chesh and I need to be surrounding ourselves with, and truthfully enjoy more are mature, responsible people who really understand that life is about living, not about the details. Sure, we may be stuck on a lot of details in our own lives right now, but that will pass, and I think everyone realizes that these phases happen. Bad things happen to good people, then they get better and everyone moves on.
On a deeper level, I think we've been experiencing a lot of problems because of the people we've surrounded ourselves with. Instead of focusing on positive people and keeping ourselves in a positive direction, we've surrounded ourselves with a lot of people who bring negative stresses into our lives and bring us down. If the world really does work in the way that what you put out is what you get in return, then we've been getting exactly what we deserve, if nothing else then because we've been immersing ourselves in so much negativity brought on us by the people we surround ourselves with. I've noticed that when we focus on surrounding ourselves with good, positive people, we all end up a lot happier, and in reflection a lot more good comes into our lives. This should be a signal that we should change our crowd and work harder on the people and families that we find uplifting.
I have a feeling things are going to change for us. We're going to be facing much more positive in our lives. Whenever you cut out the dead weight, things suddenly seem so much brighter. I've noticed that when things seem brighter, often times they often keep with the trend of actually being brighter. Letting go of these people might just be that magic solution we needed. We'll be taking a step forward in our lives. Maybe walking away from the people who have been holding us back is exactly what we needed to bring ourselves a little more happiness, and with that happiness, we'll finally start seeing things turn around for the better again. It's only a matter of time.
Who knew finding hope and a positive outlook would be as simple as walking away from the people who have brought us so much pain, negativity, and conflict? Who knew that would be all it takes to at least feel like things might just be turning around? I feel better already, and our situation hasn't changed, just the people involved in our lives have.
Friday, January 27, 2012
The Choice to Feel Good vs the Choice to Exist
I've been doing a lot of thinking about a friend of mine lately. He's generally a good sort of guy, or so I thought. I'm not going to get into the details because it really doesn't matter. I've seen this sort of thing time and time again. This will not be the first person I meet that's like this, and it certainly won't be the last.
This friend fits into a certain profile. I've noticed that I've met more than a few friends that fit the image, so I'm going to talk general, not specific here. Any likeness to someone you know is probably just because they fit the profile too, so just realize that I'm making this a mash-up of several people I've known who fit the same description. I've known quite a few over the past twelve years, so I've got a lot to go on.
See, this group of people is made up of people on disability. For many of them, their disability isn't something that would prevent them from working. In some cases they're completely making up some mental illness, or making it out to be worse than it is. They get their government check every month and that's all they ever want. That's how they live, government check to government check, be it from the V.A., social security, or the Department of Human Services. They don't aspire towards anything more.
The kind of people I'm talking about often relish in that check and then spend their money like wild. They didn't work to earn it, so it's easy not to have a reference to it's actual value. They complain when the money runs out that they've got no money to pay for gas or bills, but it's all because they've squandered it all earlier on vacations, clothing, eating out, cigarettes, video games, and movies. They don't spend responsibly, so they get cranky when they've run out.
Another frustrating trend with these people is their need to possess others. They start dating a girl or a guy and expect them to be around all the time. Often one of the first things they do is move their significant other in, or at the very least, have them over all the time. They tend to be obsessed with their significant other and want to spend all their time together. Often times they're untrusting and want to look into everything their significant other is doing, sometimes as obsessive as to check their phone or other messaging software. They stalk their significant other's Facebook, or check it when their significant other isn't on. They develop this stalker-like obsession. As a result, they smother their significant other and often drive them away, or cause tons of conflict in their relationship at the very least.
I've known a few of these people to have kids, though, thankfully, most of them don't. Those that do tend to have the same trend. They use their disability to pawn their kids off on someone else while they go off living their absent existence. Sure, they get involved with their kids now and again, but usually it's only when they get something out of it, like attention from taking their kid to an event, or sympathy because their family knows how hard it is for them. Otherwise the kid gets ignored, which is incredibly sad, or in the worst case I've seen, abused and neglected.
People like this often just exist. Their days are spent eating out and playing video games or watching television. They don't tend to go out with their friends much, but I think that's largely because they don't have many friends. They lose patience with people quickly when they aren't available to hang out whenever, or when they have to go home early or can't come over because of other responsibilities like work or kids.
Now, I'm not saying everyone on disability shares these traits. For all the people I've known who simply exist on disability, I've known almost as many who want to use disability for what it's there for. Many of them are struggling to overcome their disability so they can rejoin the working world to become "productive members of society". Others know their disability is something that will hinder them for the rest of their lives and try to use their time on disability to learn to live and work within their own boundaries, and are as productive in the world around them as they are able to be. They try and make the best of their situation, live their life to it's fullest, and enjoy their friends and family as much as possible. They try to turn their time on disability into a positive, not just something that will allow them to exist.
For me, I can't stand people that just exist in this world. I'd take a person on disability actually trying to make the best of it over one just existing any day. I'd take a friend that was struggling to make ends meet in their family over someone just existing. I've even known several people who could have tried for disability and might have even gotten on it, but chose not to because they didn't want to use up a resource that someone else would have more need of than they would. At least all these people are trying to make something of their lives, even if they suffer pitfalls along the way.
One thing I've learned in all my struggles is no matter how easy the people who exist on disability have it, I'd take my life over theirs any day. I've never once gotten that entitled feeling that so many others have had, that someone owes me a living. I've always felt good about what I've done when I do it. At the end of the day I can look at my accomplishments and feel like I've really made it somewhere in my life. I've done something. I've made a mark. Sure, the only thing I may have done was pay the electric bill, or juggled the bills in such a way that nothing's going to get shut off on us for a week longer, but I feel like I've accomplished something. Even those small victories are something to be proud of.
By living my life every day for something more than whatever I happen to do that day, I'm actually standing for something. I'm not just settling for the normal day-in-day-out lifestyle. I do more than sit around playing video games, chatting on the phone, and getting upset that my significant other is leaving the house to do things. Actually, I'm glad when he leaves the house more often than not! I get some me time that way!
One of the advantages of not just sitting around, waiting for the next government check to roll in is my appreciation for money. I have to work hard for my income, and when it's not me, it's someone in my family. Because that money is earned, not given, we've got a better appreciation for how far it goes. Spending $50 on a video game comes with much more consideration when you know exactly how much work you've had to put in to earn that $50. Spending $15 on a movie takes a lot more thought when you know what that money really means. Even the decision to eat out versus eat at home comes with some deep consideration. How much extra work does it take to pay for that dinner out over the work required with cooking at home? Is it really going to be worth it?
I know a lot of people view my child support as "free money", but I view that as income paid for being a single parent. That money goes to support the kids, but that's because I'm the one doing all the work to raise them. I'm the one that puts them to bed at night. I'm the one that takes care of their education. I'm the one that's there for them when they've had a bad day. I'm the one that has to get stuck with the bad behavior when they fight getting the sleep they need or when they're just not feeling well. I do a lot of work for my kids, so in return, I've earned a little financial help in raising them.
Since my life is built around so much more than just sitting around, blowing money, and living off a government check, I feel like my relationships are more valid too. The people I have in my life aren't the convenient ones that are around because no one else wants to put up with me. The people in my life are people I've worked to earn friendships with. They're people I've actually put some effort into. I'm much more willing to put effort into friendships and to make things work. After all, friendships and relationships require a lot of effort. It's easy to take them for granted too when everything is just a free hand-out. It's easy to see that when you just wait around for that government check so you can go hog-wild. but often times your friends start to see that you're not willing to put any effort into keeping the relationship alive. It's all based on your friends' efforts, or you call them when you need something, a trait many people just don't like. No one likes a person always searching for hand-outs and help.
When you have to work for everything you have, you value it that much more. Friendships become more meaningful when they're the usual give and take. Money becomes something to be cautiously watched, which not only helps you value what you have, but plan for your future. Possessions become more valuable because they're not just something you own, but something you assess based on the accomplishment that earned it. Everything you work for from skills to physical items to mental and spiritual well-being will come with that much more of a sense of pride and accomplishment.
Again, I feel this needs repeating, but not everyone on disability is the same kind of person, just waiting on their check to come in. I've known some very beautiful people who may not have to work to earn a wage like most of us, but instead they have to work towards other things. They have to work towards becoming capable again after an injury. They have to work towards finding mental stability and a grounded place where they can feel "normal". They go to doctor's appointments and therapists and push themselves every day to become more than they were the day before. To these people, their accomplishments have meaning too. No, their money may not be in an hourly wage, but they think of it in reference to the great amount of work they've done in appointments and everything else to earn that money. They think about the day when they may no longer need to take money for disability, but instead can claim their own hard-earned wages, even if it starts out at 15-20 hours per week. They work to build strong friendships because they know they need that support system to help them through their challenges. They appreciate the things they have because they know it takes a lot of courage to tell the world you're not able to help yourself, then step up and take the help they need. They're not looking to live off the system, just to give themselves the freedom to pursue the healing they require to move on with their lives. That's just as noble as someone who goes out and earns a wage at a job. That's as noble as a mom who chooses to stay home and raise their kids.
The difference I'm pointing out here is that there are people who live the same way each day, smothering those who come in their lives or being whining and demanding, and there are those who truly choose to live each day. Those who live off of doing nothing and expect everything to be handed to them often don't appreciate what they have, so they choose not to live, but just exist. They don't look back at their lives thinking, "Look how far I've come! Who would have thought I'd ever accomplish that?" Instead they look back and before long the days remain the same, though the players and the mindless diversions change. Those of us who choose to live may see the faces change just as quickly, but at least we know that when we look back we'll see trying times and challenges we've overcome, good experiences that will make us laugh years later, and moments that truly make us feel that our lives are valuable and truly have meaning. We'll notice we've made an impact on the world around us, and not just an indentation from our but upon the couch and a huge drain on the world's electrical demand. We'll feel like we've really chosen to live.
It wasn't until I started to see this friend for his true colors that I really started to think about what it really meant to live, and how he wasn't. At first I was angry with him, but then I realized I wouldn't want to live like him. It's a pathetic, sad existence. Then I felt sorry for him, but I realized I shouldn't feel sorry. He chose to live his life the way he did. Finally, I came to the conclusion that the only thing to do was let him go. I don't need friends like that holding me back. I need friends who truly want to live, to move forward in their lives and truly indulge in the experiences, good and bad, that the world around them can provide. I have a lesson to learn all of this. Instead of taking what I can get and dealing with it, I should just open myself up to the possibilities and take in all the experiences my life has to offer.
This friend fits into a certain profile. I've noticed that I've met more than a few friends that fit the image, so I'm going to talk general, not specific here. Any likeness to someone you know is probably just because they fit the profile too, so just realize that I'm making this a mash-up of several people I've known who fit the same description. I've known quite a few over the past twelve years, so I've got a lot to go on.
See, this group of people is made up of people on disability. For many of them, their disability isn't something that would prevent them from working. In some cases they're completely making up some mental illness, or making it out to be worse than it is. They get their government check every month and that's all they ever want. That's how they live, government check to government check, be it from the V.A., social security, or the Department of Human Services. They don't aspire towards anything more.
The kind of people I'm talking about often relish in that check and then spend their money like wild. They didn't work to earn it, so it's easy not to have a reference to it's actual value. They complain when the money runs out that they've got no money to pay for gas or bills, but it's all because they've squandered it all earlier on vacations, clothing, eating out, cigarettes, video games, and movies. They don't spend responsibly, so they get cranky when they've run out.
Another frustrating trend with these people is their need to possess others. They start dating a girl or a guy and expect them to be around all the time. Often one of the first things they do is move their significant other in, or at the very least, have them over all the time. They tend to be obsessed with their significant other and want to spend all their time together. Often times they're untrusting and want to look into everything their significant other is doing, sometimes as obsessive as to check their phone or other messaging software. They stalk their significant other's Facebook, or check it when their significant other isn't on. They develop this stalker-like obsession. As a result, they smother their significant other and often drive them away, or cause tons of conflict in their relationship at the very least.
I've known a few of these people to have kids, though, thankfully, most of them don't. Those that do tend to have the same trend. They use their disability to pawn their kids off on someone else while they go off living their absent existence. Sure, they get involved with their kids now and again, but usually it's only when they get something out of it, like attention from taking their kid to an event, or sympathy because their family knows how hard it is for them. Otherwise the kid gets ignored, which is incredibly sad, or in the worst case I've seen, abused and neglected.
People like this often just exist. Their days are spent eating out and playing video games or watching television. They don't tend to go out with their friends much, but I think that's largely because they don't have many friends. They lose patience with people quickly when they aren't available to hang out whenever, or when they have to go home early or can't come over because of other responsibilities like work or kids.
Now, I'm not saying everyone on disability shares these traits. For all the people I've known who simply exist on disability, I've known almost as many who want to use disability for what it's there for. Many of them are struggling to overcome their disability so they can rejoin the working world to become "productive members of society". Others know their disability is something that will hinder them for the rest of their lives and try to use their time on disability to learn to live and work within their own boundaries, and are as productive in the world around them as they are able to be. They try and make the best of their situation, live their life to it's fullest, and enjoy their friends and family as much as possible. They try to turn their time on disability into a positive, not just something that will allow them to exist.
For me, I can't stand people that just exist in this world. I'd take a person on disability actually trying to make the best of it over one just existing any day. I'd take a friend that was struggling to make ends meet in their family over someone just existing. I've even known several people who could have tried for disability and might have even gotten on it, but chose not to because they didn't want to use up a resource that someone else would have more need of than they would. At least all these people are trying to make something of their lives, even if they suffer pitfalls along the way.
One thing I've learned in all my struggles is no matter how easy the people who exist on disability have it, I'd take my life over theirs any day. I've never once gotten that entitled feeling that so many others have had, that someone owes me a living. I've always felt good about what I've done when I do it. At the end of the day I can look at my accomplishments and feel like I've really made it somewhere in my life. I've done something. I've made a mark. Sure, the only thing I may have done was pay the electric bill, or juggled the bills in such a way that nothing's going to get shut off on us for a week longer, but I feel like I've accomplished something. Even those small victories are something to be proud of.
By living my life every day for something more than whatever I happen to do that day, I'm actually standing for something. I'm not just settling for the normal day-in-day-out lifestyle. I do more than sit around playing video games, chatting on the phone, and getting upset that my significant other is leaving the house to do things. Actually, I'm glad when he leaves the house more often than not! I get some me time that way!
One of the advantages of not just sitting around, waiting for the next government check to roll in is my appreciation for money. I have to work hard for my income, and when it's not me, it's someone in my family. Because that money is earned, not given, we've got a better appreciation for how far it goes. Spending $50 on a video game comes with much more consideration when you know exactly how much work you've had to put in to earn that $50. Spending $15 on a movie takes a lot more thought when you know what that money really means. Even the decision to eat out versus eat at home comes with some deep consideration. How much extra work does it take to pay for that dinner out over the work required with cooking at home? Is it really going to be worth it?
I know a lot of people view my child support as "free money", but I view that as income paid for being a single parent. That money goes to support the kids, but that's because I'm the one doing all the work to raise them. I'm the one that puts them to bed at night. I'm the one that takes care of their education. I'm the one that's there for them when they've had a bad day. I'm the one that has to get stuck with the bad behavior when they fight getting the sleep they need or when they're just not feeling well. I do a lot of work for my kids, so in return, I've earned a little financial help in raising them.
Since my life is built around so much more than just sitting around, blowing money, and living off a government check, I feel like my relationships are more valid too. The people I have in my life aren't the convenient ones that are around because no one else wants to put up with me. The people in my life are people I've worked to earn friendships with. They're people I've actually put some effort into. I'm much more willing to put effort into friendships and to make things work. After all, friendships and relationships require a lot of effort. It's easy to take them for granted too when everything is just a free hand-out. It's easy to see that when you just wait around for that government check so you can go hog-wild. but often times your friends start to see that you're not willing to put any effort into keeping the relationship alive. It's all based on your friends' efforts, or you call them when you need something, a trait many people just don't like. No one likes a person always searching for hand-outs and help.
When you have to work for everything you have, you value it that much more. Friendships become more meaningful when they're the usual give and take. Money becomes something to be cautiously watched, which not only helps you value what you have, but plan for your future. Possessions become more valuable because they're not just something you own, but something you assess based on the accomplishment that earned it. Everything you work for from skills to physical items to mental and spiritual well-being will come with that much more of a sense of pride and accomplishment.
Again, I feel this needs repeating, but not everyone on disability is the same kind of person, just waiting on their check to come in. I've known some very beautiful people who may not have to work to earn a wage like most of us, but instead they have to work towards other things. They have to work towards becoming capable again after an injury. They have to work towards finding mental stability and a grounded place where they can feel "normal". They go to doctor's appointments and therapists and push themselves every day to become more than they were the day before. To these people, their accomplishments have meaning too. No, their money may not be in an hourly wage, but they think of it in reference to the great amount of work they've done in appointments and everything else to earn that money. They think about the day when they may no longer need to take money for disability, but instead can claim their own hard-earned wages, even if it starts out at 15-20 hours per week. They work to build strong friendships because they know they need that support system to help them through their challenges. They appreciate the things they have because they know it takes a lot of courage to tell the world you're not able to help yourself, then step up and take the help they need. They're not looking to live off the system, just to give themselves the freedom to pursue the healing they require to move on with their lives. That's just as noble as someone who goes out and earns a wage at a job. That's as noble as a mom who chooses to stay home and raise their kids.
The difference I'm pointing out here is that there are people who live the same way each day, smothering those who come in their lives or being whining and demanding, and there are those who truly choose to live each day. Those who live off of doing nothing and expect everything to be handed to them often don't appreciate what they have, so they choose not to live, but just exist. They don't look back at their lives thinking, "Look how far I've come! Who would have thought I'd ever accomplish that?" Instead they look back and before long the days remain the same, though the players and the mindless diversions change. Those of us who choose to live may see the faces change just as quickly, but at least we know that when we look back we'll see trying times and challenges we've overcome, good experiences that will make us laugh years later, and moments that truly make us feel that our lives are valuable and truly have meaning. We'll notice we've made an impact on the world around us, and not just an indentation from our but upon the couch and a huge drain on the world's electrical demand. We'll feel like we've really chosen to live.
It wasn't until I started to see this friend for his true colors that I really started to think about what it really meant to live, and how he wasn't. At first I was angry with him, but then I realized I wouldn't want to live like him. It's a pathetic, sad existence. Then I felt sorry for him, but I realized I shouldn't feel sorry. He chose to live his life the way he did. Finally, I came to the conclusion that the only thing to do was let him go. I don't need friends like that holding me back. I need friends who truly want to live, to move forward in their lives and truly indulge in the experiences, good and bad, that the world around them can provide. I have a lesson to learn all of this. Instead of taking what I can get and dealing with it, I should just open myself up to the possibilities and take in all the experiences my life has to offer.
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
The Frustrating Weight Debate
A friend of mine shared an article on her Facebook recently. It addressed the problems of demonizing women for being thin. We've all heard the arguments, I'm sure. Women are tired of hearing how the only people that matter are the size two blondes. They want to make a statement and change how women are viewed. Larger women are demanding respect, and in a lot of ways, are demanding that bigger is better.
Have you ever seen the fat rant that's been on YouTube since March of 2007. The video has 1.6 million views. I've seen it show up on news feeds on all the big social networking sites, passed around countless times on various messengers, and otherwise has gotten around. Every woman I know who has a few extra pounds seems to have loved this video. If you haven't seen it yet, here it is:
If you notice, this video is very much about liberation for women who weigh more than what medical science calls their "ideal weight". For many women I know, they find this very liberating. Many of them have tried everything to shave off those extra pounds that society tells them they shouldn't have, but have no luck. Several people I know have gone over to gastric bypass just so that they can finally get on top of the weight gain issue, and many more talk longingly about it, even if they're really not all that "fat" at all. It's good for there to be someone out there pushing for acceptance of overweight people, especially since so many of them do try so incredibly hard to lose the weight and simply have no luck.
Maybe it's genetics. Maybe it's the reality of the American diet and our pathetic options for healthy food. Now there's evidence proving it may link back to factors effecting us before we were even born. Whatever it is, this woman has a point. It's time our society stops looking at the size 2 woman as their ideal and starts realizing that women are beautiful no matter what their shape or size.
There's been all sorts of encouragement for women who are considered "fat", "large", or even just "curvy". Brands such as Dove have an entire campaign where they've focused on only "average" women, in other words, they're now turning down petite women in favor of women close to a size 12. Television shows such as Ugly Betty and Drop Dead Diva feature women who aren't the American standard as stars. Even men now say they prefer their women to "have a few curves". The standard is changing, and while everything may not be better overnight, it's clear that women are starting to change the face of our world and it's no longer the tiny women that get all the positive attention.
Even clothing retailers are getting in on encouraging women to feel more positive about their bodies. Yes, the standard still seems to be that of a size 2 figure, but even that has changed, though the number has not. What do I mean? I mean that the sizes are physically changing to suit the audience they're designed for.
How do I know this? Back in 1999 I bought these really hot pants. I had glittery jeans and two pairs of nylon pants that looked like leather. They were a size 3. In 2004, after I lost all of my baby weight from my first child, I could barely squeeze myself into them. After childbirth your hips typically spread and never quite go back to the way they were before. At this point I wore a size 5.
Hot Topic was the first one for the new "feel good" sizing. I was still wearing my trusty old size 5 pants when I decided it would be nice to pick up some new Tripp pants. I'd wanted to have a whole new look, given I was starting over in a new state. I was shocked when I found that, depending on the style, I wore either a size 0 or 1. I knew there was no way that I could be that thin already, so I tried on my old pants and later picked up a couple of pairs of jeans. Sure enough, size 5 was what I still wore.
Then, after my last child was born, I decided I needed some new clothes. My old jeans were kind of worn, so it was time to shop for new ones. When we hit the stores we found that I was back to a size 3 again, which seemed odd because I had been wearing a size 5 with no problems. When I got home, I matched up the sizes in my pants. I was surprised when I saw that my brand new size 3 jeans were larger than my size 5s from just a few years ago!
Fast forward by exactly one year. My old size 5s were getting a little lose on me and most of them were pretty worn out. It was time for that dreaded clothing shopping again. I tried on a size 3, figuring that's what I wore before. They were too big. Size 1 was still too big. Finally I settled on a size 0. I probably could have worn a 00, but I didn't even want to try it. Sizes that small are hard enough to find in retail establishments! Here's the shocker. In comparison to my old size 3's from 1999 (that I still can't fit and finally gave to Goodwill), these new size 0's were actually bigger! It's not just with Junior's sizing. It's with everything women wear!
Now whenever I hear some woman bragging that she's a size 12, the same size as Marilyn Monroe, I have to laugh, because really, what we now consider a size 12 is probably closer to a 16 or 18 of Marilyn's time. This isn't me trying to be mean. This is just proof that the clothing industry is trying harder to follow the trend of making women okay with their bodies.
So, what does this have to do with the great weight debate? Think of what it feels like to be on my end of the scale. If they keep bumping clothing sizes up, I'm either going to have to custom order all of my clothing online or shop in the girl's section and hope I can find something with the length I need. Sure, a woman who wears a size 16 now will feel great when she's in a size 12 in a few years, but how will I feel when it costs me a couple hundred dollars just for a pair of pants because it's the only way I can get jeans that fit, all because the trend is moving away from thin women?
What about the treatment I get? Do you have any idea how hard it is to walk into a clothing store and ask for a size 0? The sales associate looks you up and down with an assessing glare, then points you vaguely in the right direction followed with, "I'm sorry, we don't usually carry much in your size". The sad thing is five years ago I wouldn't have gotten that kind of treatment. Everywhere carries a decent selection of size 5! How about the, "You need to eat something!" comments and having all of my friends trying to force me to eat? What about all the times I've gone out to meet up with friends and get dirty looks because I don't order anything to eat while we're out. Sometimes it's just because I don't have the money. Sometimes it's because I ate before we got there. Sometimes it's just because we're at a coffee house and I don't feel like blowing money on a scone or muffin that I don't really want, but I'm obliged to get so someone else doesn't feel bad. Then there's all the times I've had to hear about how, "disgustingly skinny" I am, even when my doctor says I'm perfectly healthy and I may be at the lower end of a healthy weight, but I'm definitely healthy?
It's not easy being thin. People judge you. I often here how I'm thin because I'm a belly dancer. I spend all my time dancing, so I don't gain weight. Little secret here, people, I don't dance all that much. I know it's pathetic, but my average schedule was two to four hours...a week. I didn't even exercise every day. A lot of people say I must watch what I eat, but unless it's something I don't like, or I'm incredibly nervous, usually I eat the average American over-sized portions. I've been told I'm anorexic because I've skipped a meal or two because I just didn't have a chance to stop and eat and didn't even think about it until I was starving at the next meal, eating twice what I normally eat. I've even had men tell me they didn't want to date me because they were "afraid they would break me". Is that fair?
It's frustrating that things are turning around to demonize thin women for their weight, even though some of them, just like heavier women, can't help it. Again, maybe it's genetic, maybe it's diet, but some of us just can't gain weight, even when we try. For many of the really thin women I've known, it's not so much that they have "no body fat" as they're accused of, but they simply don't have much muscle mass. They're weak, and as a result, they look a lot smaller than they really are.
And what about comments like a friend of mine said he overheard. A woman was saying her doctor should be fired because he said she was overweight. He called her obese. Apparently this person got cheers. Unfortunately, it's a doctor's job to tell the truth when it comes to your health. They're not calling you fat because of some bias against fat people. They're telling you there's a problem because you're at an increased health risk. They do the same when you're underweight. The difference is being obese doesn't get you hospitalized, but being underweight can get you hospitalized in a heartbeat. It's theorized that there may be more risks to being underweight by 5 pounds than over weight by 50. It's just something to think about.
Maybe instead of putting all this emphasis on who's fault it is and who should be demonized by society, maybe we should look at things a different way. Maybe we should concentrate on what's healthy for any particular person. If I'm healthy at a size 0, even though a lot of women consider me "disgustingly thin", so be it. If another woman is healthy at a size 16, who cares? She's healthy and taking care of her body! Isn't that what really matters? Shouldn't the focus be on taking care of ourselves?
Further, the author of the above listed article makes a good point. These promotions for bigger women being beautiful aren't coming at the encouragement of men. Men aren't posting images on their social networking pages condemning thin or fat women, though often images of women that are morbidly obese do get a lot of negative criticism. Men aren't putting up, "remember when this was beautiful" images. It's all been women. It's about women attacking other women. It's about women "trying to reclaim the natural look", when in reality, they're knocking what is very natural and normal for the human body. In many cases, the "too thin" women that are demonized, like myself, are often the normal look of women in other places, such as much of Europe. That's not to say that more curvy women, or heavier women aren't also normal, but the women seem to span the range of healthy. In this country, we can't focus on that. It's all about women creating some ideal body type that there's no possible way every woman in the world could ever fit.
Let's face it, women, there is no such thing as "one size fits all" when talking about body type. All women are not created equally, and by that I mean that we're not created in such a way that we can all possibly have the same shape. Some women will naturally always be more of a "stick figure". Other women will always be naturally more curvy. Some women will have a hard time taking the weight off while others will have a hard time keeping it on. There's nothing wrong with that, and that doesn't make any woman more or less beautiful than the next. Generally, men will agree. Some men prefer their women to be delicate and petite. Other's prefer a woman with more curves. Some like their women tall as an Amazon while others feel the shorter, the better. Why should all men be forced into one mold by being told they can only prefer one body style? Why should all women be forced into that mold?
It's really time this great weight debate was finished. Instead, let's focus on being happy in our own skins. Let's focus on being healthy. After all, the way to showing the world we find ourselves beautiful isn't by discriminating against something that we're not. It's about treating our body as a temple. It's about truly treating ourselves the way we deserve to be treated. That's by eating right, getting the exercise we need, and by finding reasons to be happy and positive. If we do all of that, we'll find our body will end up in exactly the shape it needs to be, not what someone else tells us it should be.
Have you ever seen the fat rant that's been on YouTube since March of 2007. The video has 1.6 million views. I've seen it show up on news feeds on all the big social networking sites, passed around countless times on various messengers, and otherwise has gotten around. Every woman I know who has a few extra pounds seems to have loved this video. If you haven't seen it yet, here it is:
If you notice, this video is very much about liberation for women who weigh more than what medical science calls their "ideal weight". For many women I know, they find this very liberating. Many of them have tried everything to shave off those extra pounds that society tells them they shouldn't have, but have no luck. Several people I know have gone over to gastric bypass just so that they can finally get on top of the weight gain issue, and many more talk longingly about it, even if they're really not all that "fat" at all. It's good for there to be someone out there pushing for acceptance of overweight people, especially since so many of them do try so incredibly hard to lose the weight and simply have no luck.
Maybe it's genetics. Maybe it's the reality of the American diet and our pathetic options for healthy food. Now there's evidence proving it may link back to factors effecting us before we were even born. Whatever it is, this woman has a point. It's time our society stops looking at the size 2 woman as their ideal and starts realizing that women are beautiful no matter what their shape or size.
There's been all sorts of encouragement for women who are considered "fat", "large", or even just "curvy". Brands such as Dove have an entire campaign where they've focused on only "average" women, in other words, they're now turning down petite women in favor of women close to a size 12. Television shows such as Ugly Betty and Drop Dead Diva feature women who aren't the American standard as stars. Even men now say they prefer their women to "have a few curves". The standard is changing, and while everything may not be better overnight, it's clear that women are starting to change the face of our world and it's no longer the tiny women that get all the positive attention.
Even clothing retailers are getting in on encouraging women to feel more positive about their bodies. Yes, the standard still seems to be that of a size 2 figure, but even that has changed, though the number has not. What do I mean? I mean that the sizes are physically changing to suit the audience they're designed for.
How do I know this? Back in 1999 I bought these really hot pants. I had glittery jeans and two pairs of nylon pants that looked like leather. They were a size 3. In 2004, after I lost all of my baby weight from my first child, I could barely squeeze myself into them. After childbirth your hips typically spread and never quite go back to the way they were before. At this point I wore a size 5.
Hot Topic was the first one for the new "feel good" sizing. I was still wearing my trusty old size 5 pants when I decided it would be nice to pick up some new Tripp pants. I'd wanted to have a whole new look, given I was starting over in a new state. I was shocked when I found that, depending on the style, I wore either a size 0 or 1. I knew there was no way that I could be that thin already, so I tried on my old pants and later picked up a couple of pairs of jeans. Sure enough, size 5 was what I still wore.
Then, after my last child was born, I decided I needed some new clothes. My old jeans were kind of worn, so it was time to shop for new ones. When we hit the stores we found that I was back to a size 3 again, which seemed odd because I had been wearing a size 5 with no problems. When I got home, I matched up the sizes in my pants. I was surprised when I saw that my brand new size 3 jeans were larger than my size 5s from just a few years ago!
Fast forward by exactly one year. My old size 5s were getting a little lose on me and most of them were pretty worn out. It was time for that dreaded clothing shopping again. I tried on a size 3, figuring that's what I wore before. They were too big. Size 1 was still too big. Finally I settled on a size 0. I probably could have worn a 00, but I didn't even want to try it. Sizes that small are hard enough to find in retail establishments! Here's the shocker. In comparison to my old size 3's from 1999 (that I still can't fit and finally gave to Goodwill), these new size 0's were actually bigger! It's not just with Junior's sizing. It's with everything women wear!
Now whenever I hear some woman bragging that she's a size 12, the same size as Marilyn Monroe, I have to laugh, because really, what we now consider a size 12 is probably closer to a 16 or 18 of Marilyn's time. This isn't me trying to be mean. This is just proof that the clothing industry is trying harder to follow the trend of making women okay with their bodies.
So, what does this have to do with the great weight debate? Think of what it feels like to be on my end of the scale. If they keep bumping clothing sizes up, I'm either going to have to custom order all of my clothing online or shop in the girl's section and hope I can find something with the length I need. Sure, a woman who wears a size 16 now will feel great when she's in a size 12 in a few years, but how will I feel when it costs me a couple hundred dollars just for a pair of pants because it's the only way I can get jeans that fit, all because the trend is moving away from thin women?
What about the treatment I get? Do you have any idea how hard it is to walk into a clothing store and ask for a size 0? The sales associate looks you up and down with an assessing glare, then points you vaguely in the right direction followed with, "I'm sorry, we don't usually carry much in your size". The sad thing is five years ago I wouldn't have gotten that kind of treatment. Everywhere carries a decent selection of size 5! How about the, "You need to eat something!" comments and having all of my friends trying to force me to eat? What about all the times I've gone out to meet up with friends and get dirty looks because I don't order anything to eat while we're out. Sometimes it's just because I don't have the money. Sometimes it's because I ate before we got there. Sometimes it's just because we're at a coffee house and I don't feel like blowing money on a scone or muffin that I don't really want, but I'm obliged to get so someone else doesn't feel bad. Then there's all the times I've had to hear about how, "disgustingly skinny" I am, even when my doctor says I'm perfectly healthy and I may be at the lower end of a healthy weight, but I'm definitely healthy?
It's not easy being thin. People judge you. I often here how I'm thin because I'm a belly dancer. I spend all my time dancing, so I don't gain weight. Little secret here, people, I don't dance all that much. I know it's pathetic, but my average schedule was two to four hours...a week. I didn't even exercise every day. A lot of people say I must watch what I eat, but unless it's something I don't like, or I'm incredibly nervous, usually I eat the average American over-sized portions. I've been told I'm anorexic because I've skipped a meal or two because I just didn't have a chance to stop and eat and didn't even think about it until I was starving at the next meal, eating twice what I normally eat. I've even had men tell me they didn't want to date me because they were "afraid they would break me". Is that fair?
It's frustrating that things are turning around to demonize thin women for their weight, even though some of them, just like heavier women, can't help it. Again, maybe it's genetic, maybe it's diet, but some of us just can't gain weight, even when we try. For many of the really thin women I've known, it's not so much that they have "no body fat" as they're accused of, but they simply don't have much muscle mass. They're weak, and as a result, they look a lot smaller than they really are.
And what about comments like a friend of mine said he overheard. A woman was saying her doctor should be fired because he said she was overweight. He called her obese. Apparently this person got cheers. Unfortunately, it's a doctor's job to tell the truth when it comes to your health. They're not calling you fat because of some bias against fat people. They're telling you there's a problem because you're at an increased health risk. They do the same when you're underweight. The difference is being obese doesn't get you hospitalized, but being underweight can get you hospitalized in a heartbeat. It's theorized that there may be more risks to being underweight by 5 pounds than over weight by 50. It's just something to think about.
Maybe instead of putting all this emphasis on who's fault it is and who should be demonized by society, maybe we should look at things a different way. Maybe we should concentrate on what's healthy for any particular person. If I'm healthy at a size 0, even though a lot of women consider me "disgustingly thin", so be it. If another woman is healthy at a size 16, who cares? She's healthy and taking care of her body! Isn't that what really matters? Shouldn't the focus be on taking care of ourselves?
Further, the author of the above listed article makes a good point. These promotions for bigger women being beautiful aren't coming at the encouragement of men. Men aren't posting images on their social networking pages condemning thin or fat women, though often images of women that are morbidly obese do get a lot of negative criticism. Men aren't putting up, "remember when this was beautiful" images. It's all been women. It's about women attacking other women. It's about women "trying to reclaim the natural look", when in reality, they're knocking what is very natural and normal for the human body. In many cases, the "too thin" women that are demonized, like myself, are often the normal look of women in other places, such as much of Europe. That's not to say that more curvy women, or heavier women aren't also normal, but the women seem to span the range of healthy. In this country, we can't focus on that. It's all about women creating some ideal body type that there's no possible way every woman in the world could ever fit.
Let's face it, women, there is no such thing as "one size fits all" when talking about body type. All women are not created equally, and by that I mean that we're not created in such a way that we can all possibly have the same shape. Some women will naturally always be more of a "stick figure". Other women will always be naturally more curvy. Some women will have a hard time taking the weight off while others will have a hard time keeping it on. There's nothing wrong with that, and that doesn't make any woman more or less beautiful than the next. Generally, men will agree. Some men prefer their women to be delicate and petite. Other's prefer a woman with more curves. Some like their women tall as an Amazon while others feel the shorter, the better. Why should all men be forced into one mold by being told they can only prefer one body style? Why should all women be forced into that mold?
It's really time this great weight debate was finished. Instead, let's focus on being happy in our own skins. Let's focus on being healthy. After all, the way to showing the world we find ourselves beautiful isn't by discriminating against something that we're not. It's about treating our body as a temple. It's about truly treating ourselves the way we deserve to be treated. That's by eating right, getting the exercise we need, and by finding reasons to be happy and positive. If we do all of that, we'll find our body will end up in exactly the shape it needs to be, not what someone else tells us it should be.
Monday, January 23, 2012
One More Abandoned and Neglected Thing, Our Car
It was a about six months ago when I wrote about a shirt I got that had been cast off on the side of the road, abandoned and neglected. Now it seems I've attracted something else in my life that shares a similar story. I have to wonder if my purpose in life is to resurrect things from the dead that have been neglected for far too long, and give them a new purpose.
This time it's a little bit harder than an article of clothing. It's not a matter of simply putting on a shirt and giving it a chance to live again. Not everything in life is that easy, and in this case, I've got a challenge, and we've got our work cut out for us. This one is going to take money, effort, and a lot of time.
Anyone who knows me well already knows we just got a new car, but they may not know the story. This car has her own story to tell, as I've come to realize most cars do. I just wish I was able to trace it all back to the original owner, but I guess sometimes there are things you're just not meant to know.
This car was bought by it's current owner when it had about 93,000 miles on it. They babied her. She was given all the care and maintenance she could possibly need. They kept her in as pristine condition as possible, and she was given all of her regular maintenance just when she needed it, never waiting until it was good for them. She had only the best.
Then we're not quite sure what happened. Somewhere along the line she needed some work. The door panels were torn open. The electrical systems in the door didn't work right. It wouldn't have taken much, but they didn't have the time and they had other cars to focus on. She was put into the back yard and they were going to work on fixing her up for their son, but that never happened. Their son decided he wanted something else instead and now the car needs a lot of love. She sat in that back yard for nearly five years. In that time she was climbed on by dogs, exposed to the elements, and forced to suffer without the regular care and maintenance she needed to keep her going. Her battery died. Her oil turned to sludge. Her front tire went flat. Even the tail light, which wasn't completely sealed, began to fill with water. She was beginning to think she should just give up. She'd end up in a junk yard somewhere, rotting until she was finally crushed.
That's when we came into the picture. We saw a listing on Craigslist for a 1993 Mazda Mx6 for $700. We were originally looking for a minivan or larger SUV due to our family size. I've got three kids and two more I may need to transport when I'm working as a nanny. We really need a large vehicle. However, beggar's can't be choosers, and it was coming down to the line. There was only so much longer we could look for a car before we really couldn't wait any longer for a way to get around. With tax season hitting, it means everyone is going to have more money to spend. The prices on Craigslist are starting to rise and dealers are no longer willing to negotiate on having smaller downpayments. Because of this, we had to start expanding our options. We were going to have to take what we could get and look for something that can fit the whole family later. At the very least it would give me something that could get me to my nanny job and to the grocery store. We could stop relying on other people for rides. That's what we needed.
So, seeing this car listed, we decided to check it out. The car was listed as needing some transmission work, and the battery needed to be replaced. It would need a new paint job and had some damage here and there. I checked the blue book for the car and it was listed in it's condition to be around $850. We figured for $700, that was a steal, even in the condition it was likely in. Chesh went out to check it out. We'd already gotten her to come down on price a bit, so we were pretty excited.
When we got her home, I have to admit, I was worried. She burns gas. Her windshield is more broken than I thought. I didn't realize she'd need a tire. She looked like she'd been through a natural disaster.
When he got there he saw all the things wrong with her. He got there around 5pm, but it was well past dark when he was done going over every detail. He wanted to make sure we knew exactly what we were getting before we drove her off the property. After going over her with a fine tooth comb, he finally got the owner to hand her over for all of $450. That was a lot lower than she could have sold for, but given she'd been sitting in a yard since 2007, she was willing to take what she could get. She wasn't selling it because she needed the money, but more that she wanted to get rid of her and see her used rather than pay to have her hauled off to a junk yard. It worked well for everyone involved.
Things didn't look much better when we got her home. The next morning we got to take a good look at her together. She needs a lot of love. We put as much effort into cleaning her as possible, but it was clear she was going to have some issues. Her whole front end does the shimmy-shake when you have her at idol, though it doesn't seem to be a problem in motion. She also burns oil, probably from the time she's spent sitting and her oil being sludge. One of her tail lights doesn't work, which means it's going to need to be rewired, probably due to water damage. There was no bulb and with all that water sitting in there, it's not surprising it's out. I was beginning to think the worst of this situation, that we'd spent this money on a car that would cost more to make useful than we really had in our budget to spend.
The next day Chesh took a good look at the car. Apparently the damage isn't as bad as it seems. All the lines need to be bled, but it looks like the only things she'll need to pass inspection are a new tire, a new windshield, new windshield wipers, the taillight fixed, and an oil change at the least so she'll pass emissions. Sure, she needs some help before she'll be able to hit fifth gear, but at least that's the bulk of it, and she can be driven. It's not as bad as I had feared.
I guess that's kind of how I feel about myself sometimes. I was put into a rut. I was cast aside, neglected and abused for far too long. Finally I was rescued, though more from my own actions than someone saving me. At first it looked pretty bad. I almost looked like a salvage job myself. I didn't think I'd ever find something stable and "normal" underneath it all. Then, once the dirt was all cleared off and someone could finally take a good look at what really needed to be done, it was apparent that all I needed was a few repairs in order to get myself back up and running again. True, I'd need a full overhaul in time, but until then, I'm at least capable of getting through the day without driving myself any deeper down. Things will get better with a little work and TLC.
It's funny how I attract these sorts of things into my life. At the same time, it's kind of frustrating. We were looking for another car that would better suit our needs, but that one fell through due to some shady people making the deal. We found another match, but the guy was giving us the run around. He wouldn't be in state until today, but he'd already had several offers for the car much higher than ours. Had he not told us he had gotten other offers higher than our own, we probably would have sat it out until he got back, but it sounded like he wasn't planning to sell the car to us. We'd already been looking for nearly two weeks with no success, so we gave up and decided to go with whatever we could get. Otherwise, we'd probably be driving that minivan right now. It just seems like fate that we would end up with this car, even though it's not at all what we need, but then again, maybe it truly is...
This time it's a little bit harder than an article of clothing. It's not a matter of simply putting on a shirt and giving it a chance to live again. Not everything in life is that easy, and in this case, I've got a challenge, and we've got our work cut out for us. This one is going to take money, effort, and a lot of time.
Anyone who knows me well already knows we just got a new car, but they may not know the story. This car has her own story to tell, as I've come to realize most cars do. I just wish I was able to trace it all back to the original owner, but I guess sometimes there are things you're just not meant to know.
This car was bought by it's current owner when it had about 93,000 miles on it. They babied her. She was given all the care and maintenance she could possibly need. They kept her in as pristine condition as possible, and she was given all of her regular maintenance just when she needed it, never waiting until it was good for them. She had only the best.
Then we're not quite sure what happened. Somewhere along the line she needed some work. The door panels were torn open. The electrical systems in the door didn't work right. It wouldn't have taken much, but they didn't have the time and they had other cars to focus on. She was put into the back yard and they were going to work on fixing her up for their son, but that never happened. Their son decided he wanted something else instead and now the car needs a lot of love. She sat in that back yard for nearly five years. In that time she was climbed on by dogs, exposed to the elements, and forced to suffer without the regular care and maintenance she needed to keep her going. Her battery died. Her oil turned to sludge. Her front tire went flat. Even the tail light, which wasn't completely sealed, began to fill with water. She was beginning to think she should just give up. She'd end up in a junk yard somewhere, rotting until she was finally crushed.
That's when we came into the picture. We saw a listing on Craigslist for a 1993 Mazda Mx6 for $700. We were originally looking for a minivan or larger SUV due to our family size. I've got three kids and two more I may need to transport when I'm working as a nanny. We really need a large vehicle. However, beggar's can't be choosers, and it was coming down to the line. There was only so much longer we could look for a car before we really couldn't wait any longer for a way to get around. With tax season hitting, it means everyone is going to have more money to spend. The prices on Craigslist are starting to rise and dealers are no longer willing to negotiate on having smaller downpayments. Because of this, we had to start expanding our options. We were going to have to take what we could get and look for something that can fit the whole family later. At the very least it would give me something that could get me to my nanny job and to the grocery store. We could stop relying on other people for rides. That's what we needed.
So, seeing this car listed, we decided to check it out. The car was listed as needing some transmission work, and the battery needed to be replaced. It would need a new paint job and had some damage here and there. I checked the blue book for the car and it was listed in it's condition to be around $850. We figured for $700, that was a steal, even in the condition it was likely in. Chesh went out to check it out. We'd already gotten her to come down on price a bit, so we were pretty excited.
When we got her home, I have to admit, I was worried. She burns gas. Her windshield is more broken than I thought. I didn't realize she'd need a tire. She looked like she'd been through a natural disaster.
When he got there he saw all the things wrong with her. He got there around 5pm, but it was well past dark when he was done going over every detail. He wanted to make sure we knew exactly what we were getting before we drove her off the property. After going over her with a fine tooth comb, he finally got the owner to hand her over for all of $450. That was a lot lower than she could have sold for, but given she'd been sitting in a yard since 2007, she was willing to take what she could get. She wasn't selling it because she needed the money, but more that she wanted to get rid of her and see her used rather than pay to have her hauled off to a junk yard. It worked well for everyone involved.
Things didn't look much better when we got her home. The next morning we got to take a good look at her together. She needs a lot of love. We put as much effort into cleaning her as possible, but it was clear she was going to have some issues. Her whole front end does the shimmy-shake when you have her at idol, though it doesn't seem to be a problem in motion. She also burns oil, probably from the time she's spent sitting and her oil being sludge. One of her tail lights doesn't work, which means it's going to need to be rewired, probably due to water damage. There was no bulb and with all that water sitting in there, it's not surprising it's out. I was beginning to think the worst of this situation, that we'd spent this money on a car that would cost more to make useful than we really had in our budget to spend.
The next day Chesh took a good look at the car. Apparently the damage isn't as bad as it seems. All the lines need to be bled, but it looks like the only things she'll need to pass inspection are a new tire, a new windshield, new windshield wipers, the taillight fixed, and an oil change at the least so she'll pass emissions. Sure, she needs some help before she'll be able to hit fifth gear, but at least that's the bulk of it, and she can be driven. It's not as bad as I had feared.
I guess that's kind of how I feel about myself sometimes. I was put into a rut. I was cast aside, neglected and abused for far too long. Finally I was rescued, though more from my own actions than someone saving me. At first it looked pretty bad. I almost looked like a salvage job myself. I didn't think I'd ever find something stable and "normal" underneath it all. Then, once the dirt was all cleared off and someone could finally take a good look at what really needed to be done, it was apparent that all I needed was a few repairs in order to get myself back up and running again. True, I'd need a full overhaul in time, but until then, I'm at least capable of getting through the day without driving myself any deeper down. Things will get better with a little work and TLC.
It's funny how I attract these sorts of things into my life. At the same time, it's kind of frustrating. We were looking for another car that would better suit our needs, but that one fell through due to some shady people making the deal. We found another match, but the guy was giving us the run around. He wouldn't be in state until today, but he'd already had several offers for the car much higher than ours. Had he not told us he had gotten other offers higher than our own, we probably would have sat it out until he got back, but it sounded like he wasn't planning to sell the car to us. We'd already been looking for nearly two weeks with no success, so we gave up and decided to go with whatever we could get. Otherwise, we'd probably be driving that minivan right now. It just seems like fate that we would end up with this car, even though it's not at all what we need, but then again, maybe it truly is...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)