The Choice to Feel Good vs the Choice to Exist

I've been doing a lot of thinking about a friend of mine lately.  He's generally a good sort of guy, or so I thought.  I'm not going to get into the details because it really doesn't matter.  I've seen this sort of thing time and time again.  This will not be the first person I meet that's like this, and it certainly won't be the last.

This friend fits into a certain profile.  I've noticed that I've met more than a few friends that fit the image, so I'm going to talk general, not specific here.  Any likeness to someone you know is probably just because they fit the profile too, so just realize that I'm making this a mash-up of several people I've known who fit the same description.  I've known quite a few over the past twelve years, so I've got a lot to go on.

See, this group of people is made up of people on disability.  For many of them, their disability isn't something that would prevent them from working.  In some cases they're completely making up some mental illness, or making it out to be worse than it is.  They get their government check every month and that's all they ever want.  That's how they live, government check to government check, be it from the V.A., social security, or the Department of Human Services.  They don't aspire towards anything more.

The kind of people I'm talking about often relish in that check and then spend their money like wild.  They didn't work to earn it, so it's easy not to have a reference to it's actual value.  They complain when the money runs out that they've got no money to pay for gas or bills, but it's all because they've squandered it all earlier on vacations, clothing, eating out, cigarettes, video games, and movies.  They don't spend responsibly, so they get cranky when they've run out.

Another frustrating trend with these people is their need to possess others.  They start dating a girl or a guy and expect them to be around all the time.  Often one of the first things they do is move their significant other in, or at the very least, have them over all the time.  They tend to be obsessed with their significant other and want to spend all their time together.  Often times they're untrusting and want to look into everything their significant other is doing, sometimes as obsessive as to check their phone or other messaging software.  They stalk their significant other's Facebook, or check it when their significant other isn't on.  They develop this stalker-like obsession.  As a result, they smother their significant other and often drive them away, or cause tons of conflict in their relationship at the very least.

I've known a few of these people to have kids, though, thankfully, most of them don't.  Those that do tend to have the same trend.  They use their disability to pawn their kids off on someone else while they go off living their absent existence.  Sure, they get involved with their kids now and again, but usually it's only when they get something out of it, like attention from taking their kid to an event, or sympathy because their family knows how hard it is for them.  Otherwise the kid gets ignored, which is incredibly sad, or in the worst case I've seen, abused and neglected.

People like this often just exist.  Their days are spent eating out and playing video games or watching television.  They don't tend to go out with their friends much, but I think that's largely because they don't have many friends.  They lose patience with people quickly when they aren't available to hang out whenever, or when they have to go home early or can't come over because of other responsibilities like work or kids.

Now, I'm not saying everyone on disability shares these traits.  For all the people I've known who simply exist on disability, I've known almost as many who want to use disability for what it's there for.  Many of them are struggling to overcome their disability so they can rejoin the working world to become "productive members of society".  Others know their disability is something that will hinder them for the rest of their lives and try to use their time on disability to learn to live and work within their own boundaries, and are as productive in the world around them as they are able to be.  They try and make the best of their situation, live their life to it's fullest, and enjoy their friends and family as much as possible.  They try to turn their time on disability into a positive, not just something that will allow them to exist.

For me, I can't stand people that just exist in this world.  I'd take a person on disability actually trying to make the best of it over one just existing any day.  I'd take a friend that was struggling to make ends meet in their family over someone just existing.  I've even known several people who could have tried for disability and might have even gotten on it, but chose not to because they didn't want to use up a resource that someone else would have more need of than they would.  At least all these people are trying to make something of their lives, even if they suffer pitfalls along the way.

One thing I've learned in all my struggles is no matter how easy the people who exist on disability have it, I'd take my life over theirs any day.  I've never once gotten that entitled feeling that so many others have had, that someone owes me a living.  I've always felt good about what I've done when I do it.  At the end of the day I can look at my accomplishments and feel like I've really made it somewhere in my life.  I've done something.  I've made a mark.  Sure, the only thing I may have done was pay the electric bill, or juggled the bills in such a way that nothing's going to get shut off on us for a week longer, but I feel like I've accomplished something.  Even those small victories are something to be proud of.

By living my life every day for something more than whatever I happen to do that day, I'm actually standing for something.  I'm not just settling for the normal day-in-day-out lifestyle.  I do more than sit around playing video games, chatting on the phone, and getting upset that my significant other is leaving the house to do things.  Actually, I'm glad when he leaves the house more often than not!  I get some me time that way!

One of the advantages of not just sitting around, waiting for the next government check to roll in is my appreciation for money.  I have to work hard for my income, and when it's not me, it's someone in my family.  Because that money is earned, not given, we've got a better appreciation for how far it goes.  Spending $50 on a video game comes with much more consideration when you know exactly how much work you've had to put in to earn that $50.  Spending $15 on a movie takes a lot more thought when you know what that money really means.  Even the decision to eat out versus eat at home comes with some deep consideration.  How much extra work does it take to pay for that dinner out over the work required with cooking at home?  Is it really going to be worth it?

I know a lot of people view my child support as "free money", but I view that as income paid for being a single parent.  That money goes to support the kids, but that's because I'm the one doing all the work to raise them. I'm the one that puts them to bed at night.  I'm the one that takes care of their education.  I'm the one that's there for them when they've had a bad day.  I'm the one that has to get stuck with the bad behavior when they fight getting the sleep they need or when they're just not feeling well.  I do a lot of work for my kids, so in return, I've earned a little financial help in raising them.

Since my life is built around so much more than just sitting around, blowing money, and living off a government check, I feel like my relationships are more valid too.  The people I have in my life aren't the convenient ones that are around because no one else wants to put up with me.  The people in my life are people I've worked to earn friendships with.  They're people I've actually put some effort into.  I'm much more willing to put effort into friendships and to make things work.  After all, friendships and relationships require a lot of effort.  It's easy to take them for granted too when everything is just a free hand-out.  It's easy to see that when you just wait around for that government check so you can go hog-wild. but often times your friends start to see that you're not willing to put any effort into keeping the relationship alive.  It's all based on your friends' efforts, or you call them when you need something, a trait many people just don't like.  No one likes a person always searching for hand-outs and help.

When you have to work for everything you have, you value it that much more.  Friendships become more meaningful when they're the usual give and take.  Money becomes something to be cautiously watched, which not only helps you value what you have, but plan for your future.  Possessions become more valuable because they're not just something you own, but something you assess based on the accomplishment that earned it.  Everything you work for from skills to physical items to mental and spiritual well-being will come with that much more of a sense of pride and accomplishment.

Again, I feel this needs repeating, but not everyone on disability is the same kind of person, just waiting on their check to come in.  I've known some very beautiful people who may not have to work to earn a wage like most of us, but instead they have to work towards other things.  They have to work towards becoming capable again after an injury.  They have to work towards finding mental stability and a grounded place where they can feel "normal".  They go to doctor's appointments and therapists and push themselves every day to become more than they were the day before.  To these people, their accomplishments have meaning too.  No, their money may not be in an hourly wage, but they think of it in reference to the great amount of work they've done in appointments and everything else to earn that money.  They think about the day when they may no longer need to take money for disability, but instead can claim their own hard-earned wages, even if it starts out at 15-20 hours per week.  They work to build strong friendships because they know they need that support system to help them through their challenges.  They appreciate the things they have because they know it takes a lot of courage to tell the world you're not able to help yourself, then step up and take the help they need.  They're not looking to live off the system, just to give themselves the freedom to pursue the healing they require to move on with their lives.  That's just as noble as someone who goes out and earns a wage at a job.  That's as noble as a mom who chooses to stay home and raise their kids.

The difference I'm pointing out here is that there are people who live the same way each day, smothering those who come in their lives or being whining and demanding, and there are those who truly choose to live each day.  Those who live off of doing nothing and expect everything to be handed to them often don't appreciate what they have, so they choose not to live, but just exist.  They don't look back at their lives thinking, "Look how far I've come!  Who would have thought I'd ever accomplish that?"  Instead they look back and before long the days remain the same, though the players and the mindless diversions change.  Those of us who choose to live may see the faces change just as quickly, but at least we know that when we look back we'll see trying times and challenges we've overcome, good experiences that will make us laugh years later, and moments that truly make us feel that our lives are valuable and truly have meaning.  We'll notice we've made an impact on the world around us, and not just an indentation from our but upon the couch and a huge drain on the world's electrical demand.  We'll feel like we've really chosen to live.

It wasn't until I started to see this friend for his true colors that I really started to think about what it really meant to live, and how he wasn't.  At first I was angry with him, but then I realized I wouldn't want to live like him.  It's a pathetic, sad existence.  Then I felt sorry for him, but I realized I shouldn't feel sorry.  He chose to live his life the way he did.  Finally, I came to the conclusion that the only thing to do was let him go.  I don't need friends like that holding me back.  I need friends who truly want to live, to move forward in their lives and truly indulge in the experiences, good and bad, that the world around them can provide.  I have a lesson to learn all of this.  Instead of taking what I can get and dealing with it, I should just open myself up to the possibilities and take in all the experiences my life has to offer.

Feeling off Track

I don't know what's been going on with me lately.  I've finally figured out where I want to be and what I want to be doing, but I feel like I'm totally missing the point.  I'm being sidetracked by things that really are important, but seem to be taking away from my goals.  It seems like I've somehow lost touch with the kind o person I want to be and somehow this stranger has intervened to take it's place.

This past week has been spent largely cleaning and organizing my house.  I've got all the science and nature books put on one shelf.  Another shelf is half history books, half coloring and craft books.  That frees up more room in my daughter's book shelves to keep the books she actually wants.  I'm hoping that will mean she can fit all of her chapter books and everything else.  It's amazing how much space is freed up just by organizing the books.  It helps to have all the books that relate to school in a place where they can all share them.

The living room book shelves started the journey.  I've been cleaning them from top to bottom.  The whole room looks so much nicer without all the crazy clutter, which means once I get all the books up off the floor and into the places they need to go, I can finally feel a bit better about having people over!  It's also nice to be able to find the books I want to read when I want to read them.  I've been doing a decent amount of reading lately.  It's nice to feel like I'm expanding my mind.

The reading I've been doing lately is different too.  I've been focusing on non-fiction reading.  I'm trying to develop a focus on things that relate to my life, spirituality, diet, parenting, and those sorts of topics.  It's been refreshing to sit back and read for a while without feeling guilty about it.  After all, reading isn't a guilty pleasure.  It's expanding my mind and helping to set a good example for my children.  It's a great way to relax too.

Still, in all of this I'm starting to feel like maybe my life is starting to get off track again.  I'm cleaning, reading, and taking care of my home, but what about my spirituality?  What about changing the patterns in my life?  What about becoming the person I want to be?  Am I going to lose some of that in my quest to get my physical surroundings up to par so we can maintain the status quo?  Or does that somehow relate into it all, that being a more "normal" family somehow will help me on my way to accepting my new life as Mommy above all else, putting aside any other labels?

It just feels like maybe I'm losing a part of myself in all of this, that somehow I'm missing something that's incredibly integral to who I am.  I just wish I knew what it was so I could take a step forward and truly embrace that part of my life.  I am who I am.  I just hope I'm not starting to lose sense of that.

New Morning Routine...and Tea

It's morning.  I've been up for a while, which is a shock to most who know me well.  The fact that I'm up before 9am is a minor miracle.  The fact that I'm not cranky and crabby on top of it may make some people who know me who brainwashed me, because this isn't what I'm normally like.  I'm the lazy mom that rolls out of bed last minute and does as little in the possible in the morning, generally because I stay up all night.

Over the past few days I've been experimenting with a new sleep routine.  I don't sleep in anymore.  I'm trying desperately not to let myself get out of bed after 7am.  It's been working out great.  I'm up when my kids get up, and I'm surprisingly not crabby.  Next week I think I may try and bump it earlier by a half hour and then again the week after that so I'll be getting up at 6am.  Then I'll have enough time to do yoga in the morning before the kids wake up.

Yoga is one of those things I used to do in the mornings way back when I still worked at the eyeglass company.  I would have to get up at 5am in order to have time in the morning, and there was barely room.  We were staying with a friend in his living room.  We had an air mattress out and slept on that, but that took up so much room that it was hard to find space to do yoga.  I would have to keep it really quiet because my daughter and her father were asleep.  I would do an hour of yoga, eat a light breakfast, then walk to the station to catch the 7am train.  Every morning I would show up almost two hours early for work or more, but waiting for a later train would leave me a half hour late, so there wasn't much in the way of option there.  I'd spend my time waiting with a good book, eating a horrible breakfast from the fast-food joint in the food court or hanging out at the coffee shop with some tea or hot chocolate.  It wasn't much of a fancy ritual or anything, but it was my ritual each morning, and I loved it.

There's just something about yoga in the morning.  It's invigorating and wakes up the body, sure, but there's something more to it.  It's not just gentle stretching and strengthening.  It's also meditative.  There's something about moving through the poses, focusing on the inner thoughts and the actual feelings and sensations in the body (and in all honesty here, I'm thinking, "My body is SO not flexible enough for that!")  I feel more connected to myself when I do yoga, more present in my own physical form, more aware of everything going on in my own person.  It's wonderful.

All of that ended the first time when I broke my elbow.  After three months of not being able to do much of anything followed by almost a year of being unable to do yoga because I didn't have the strength, I got out of the habit.  It's so easy to get lazy about things, even when it's something enjoyable.  I tried on a couple of occasions to get back into it, but I never really did.  I've heard that it takes 21 days to make a new habit, good or bad, and I've never been able to last out that three week period before.  After a couple of days I'm making excuses about not having enough time for yoga, which is largely true when I get up to a house full of bustling activities, everyone already doing their own things for the day.  There's no peaceful, quiet time for me to focus on yoga.  Even if I shut myself in my room, the kids come in demanding this or that.  They don't exactly make it easy.  Besides, once the day is rolling, it's often easy to drop things off the schedule when things get hectic, and it's all too easy to make excuses of being too busy or tired.

Of course, getting up before the kids is a ritual in the making.  It's going to involve cleaning my living room so I can have a space to do yoga.  It will mean getting my yoga  mat out of the closet.  I'll have to start waking up consistently about an hour earlier each day.  It's going to take some time to get there, but I have a goal.  From there it's keeping up with it for 21 days so it becomes habit, and hopefully after that it will be so much easier to get up to in the morning.  That's going to be my first goal, last out 21 days of daily yoga.

On another note, nothing says morning like tea.  Tea and yoga kind of go hand-in-hand.  Most of the people I know who do yoga are also big tea drinkers.  It's probably got to do with yoga and tea both being healthy for you, so one would imagine that would be a good combination.  It's a great way to wake up in the morning, and truth be told, I like it better than coffee.  I've never been much of a coffee drinker anyway.  That's what I'm doing this morning.  Sitting at my computer, drinking some tea.  My cabinet is full of tea.  I've got so much tea it's almost shocking, considering most of it's never even been touched.  It's time I made tea a part of my morning ritual too.  It's probably a lot healthier for me than most of my other morning routines!  At least I can say it's good for me!

All in all, I think I'm taking a positive step forward in my life.  Most mornings I've woken up crabby, just wanting to be left alone only to be ambushed by children that want my attention, and haven't been getting it since I've been sleeping.  Even having someone else get up with the kids in the morning doesn't seem to stop the madness when I finally get up.  Now I'm less cranky in the morning, more focused, and much happier.  I don't know if it's the quality of sleep I've been getting or if it's got to do with the much quieter pace in the morning, but I'm feeling so much more approachable.  It leaves me with a couple of hours to get myself collected in the morning too.  I can spend some time on the computer, reading a book, or even just sitting to meditate by myself for a while before my day needs to get rolling.  It leaves me to feel less rushed when I finally do have to get up and go do something.  I guess, in a way, I feel so much more balanced, and I'm continuing to follow that path.

A Shocking Discovery, What's Really in my French Fries

This whole quest for information started when I began to research foods I can't eat to eliminate my allergies.  It's positively shocking how many things aren't vegan friendly!  There's dairy in everything, even things that label themselves as "dairy-free"!  From chewing gum to margarine to "natural flavoring" to chicken, dairy products are found everywhere.  This is especially an issue if you're not just dealing with lactose intolerance.  Instead I have to focus on eliminating all dairy products, which means looking for weird things like whey, casein, lactalbumin, galactose, recaldent, "natural flavor", caramel color, and "protein" as many protein enriched or high protein foods include added protein in the form of milk proteins.  Most vegans I know don't realize that they need to look for all those additional ingredients in their foods, and not all of the foods that contain those things plaster on their label "contains milk products".  Even soy cheeses have been found to contain milk proteins.  I guess that means going vegan just became a whole lot harder!

In the process of doing my research I came across a warning on the top of one page.  The warning informed readers that McDonald's french fries contain dairy products, as well as gluten.  I was shocked at this!  How could french fries ever contain dairy?  Or gluten for that matter?  Of course, some fries have breading, so that made a lot more sense, but what in the world is dairy doing in a french fry?  And why do my vegan friends not seem to know this?

Being a good little intelligent girl, I decided to do my research.  I wasn't going to take this at face value.  Why should I?  I'd heard a lot about the various ingredients in fast foods from all over the place.  Everyone's heard the rumor that XYZ fast food chain uses rat meat, or they use a grade of meat that's not even regulated for human consumption.  I'm sure most people have heard rumors about the toxic chemicals in fast foods from this or that.  Just about everyone has heard of the silicon in Pizza Hut's cheese.  I wasn't about to take these rumors as fact until I checked it out for myself.

My first bit of research came up with article after article, but most of them were older and outdated, from 2006 and prior.  I'd come across one article from 2011 that mentioned a beef flavoring in McDonald's french fries that made them unfriendly to vegetarians, as well as many religious practices.  Still, I couldn't find any compelling hard evidence in any major media's website.

The first page I'd found that detailed possible allergy information was by Food Facts, which listed not only their "natural beef flavoring" but gave a breakdown of how natural flavors were made, how they were governed for reporting their ingredients by the FDA, and that natural flavors such as these are considered controversial because they are not required to report things like GMOs.  Reading the information from their site in the link above will give you all sorts of information on that natural beef flavoring, including the fact that it does in deed contain wheat and dairy products.  For those who may be concerned, they also contain soy, another product in everything that is developing into a common allergen.

Realizing I had to get more creative on my search, I finally decided to go onto the McDonald's website.  According to this MSNBC article McDonald's claimed their fries were gluten-free and dairy-free back in 2006, but then added "contains wheat and dairy products" to their french fry ingredient list not long after without making too much of a public display about it.  I was certain I would find more definite information on their website, and something more concrete and recent than 2006.

According to McDonald's own ingredient list, their french fries are in deed not vegetarian friendly at all!  Shocking!  They also are not friendly to those with wheat and/or dairy problems.  While their website does detail these common, known allergens, their restaurants are surprisingly void of these details.  Further, questions outlined in Yahoo Help and other websites by vegetarians asking whether McDonald's fries are vegetarian or vegan friendly are met with many people who clearly don't know what they're talking about.  Many of the answers state that McDonald's fries contain nothing but potatoes and are cooked in vegetable oil, which means they're safe to vegetarians and vegans alike.  This myth of vegan friendly and vegetarian friendly french fries is propagated all over the web, and it seems like McDonald's is not about to make a fuss to correct this misinformation. The company is allowing people to consume foods they either should not or choose not to eat because they don't think to ask about the ingredients.  Bad form, Micky-D's!  Bad form!

In contrast, Burger King's ingredient list is far more appealing for their french fries!  No, their veggie burgers aren't vegan friendly, but they openly state that the veggie patty is not cooked on equipment that meat or poultry products are cooked on.  They do, however, contain milk, wheat, soy, and egg, followed by a clear statement that this is NOT a vegan product.  Go BK for your honesty!

Wendy's french fries are a good bet too.  While there is no simple way to link the ingredient list so you can see for yourself, here's the french fry ingredient information I've pulled off of Wendy's website:

Potatoes, Vegetable Oil (contains one or more of the following oils: canola, soybean, cottonseed, sunflower, corn), Dextrose, Sodium Acid Pyrophosphate (to maintain natural color). Cooked in Vegetable Oil (soybean oil, corn oil, cottonseed oil, hydrogenated soybean oil, natural flavor [vegetable], citric acid [preservative], dimethylpolysiloxane [anti-foaming agent]). Cooked in the same oil as menu items that contain Wheat, Egg, Milk, and Fish (where available). Seasoned with Sea Salt.


That's pretty encouraging.  They even specify that their natural flavor is vegetable, and that their products are cooked in the same oil as non-vegan friendly products.  Someone allergic to wheat or dairy may think twice about Wendy's fries based on the oil they're cooked in.

Of course, these are just the three biggest chains.  It would be worth it to ask for nutritional information at all fast-food chains you visit if you've got any specific allergy related concerns, or any other special dietary requirements.  While their websites detail the information, it can be challenging to find and may not be beneficial while on the go.  Perhaps if enough people ask for the information, they may just start keeping it on hand and readily available, because it's clear from much of what I've heard, you can't rely on the employees for accurate information.  They might not know themselves and just give you the easy answer.

As for me?  I'm boycotting McDonald's, in part because I have a problem with their ethics, but also because it's becoming clear that they've got pretty much nothing I can eat!  It seems like most fast food chains are going to present similar problems, but I'd be far more willing to bend my diet just a bit for a special treat for the kids with a company that's open, honest, and realistic about their products.

For an interesting (and only somewhat related) read, I'm suggesting The McDonaldization of Society: The Reader, The McDonladization of Society 5, and The McDonaldization of Society 6 by George Ritzer.  It's absolutely scary how much McDonald's has influenced our entire culture and society, especially with everything they get away with.  It really makes you think!

The Spiritual Journey of Dreadlocks or A Learning not to Be Vain

So, a friend of mine has been writing about her journey with dreadlocks on her blog, Otherwise Quite Good.  She has sadly decided to end her journey with dreads.  As much as I loved her dreads, I understand that it's not a good choice for everyone.  It's going to be a different experience for each person.

In her blog she wrote about the pros and cons of dreads from a newbie perspective.  While I understand that's her experience, at the same time I'm finding that I don't recognize it at all.  A lot of what she's saying is pretty strange to me.  Every experience is different, and I guess mine is very different than hers.

The biggest reason most people I know do dreads is maintenance.  Dreads are supposed to be a pretty easy, care-free hair style.  Of course, when you ask people who have actually had dreads, you get a very different story, depending on the method they use.  They're also an exercise in patience.  I think if it weren't for the dread community I'm involved with on Ravelry, I'd be pretty lost right now.  I certainly wouldn't know what to expect and I'd be doing a lot of things I've now come to realize are just some company's way to make money off people with dreads.  In truth, I'd probably be combing them out by now too.

What most people don't understand is that dreadlocks are a spiritual journey.  It's not something you can undertake lightly.  You've got to seriously think into it before you do it because they're just not going to look the way you want them to any time soon.  They may never look the way you want them to.  It's going to take a while before they even look halfway decent anyway.  It's a long term commitment.  It could take a year or two, and for some people, that's quite some time.  You've just got to have faith that the dreads will come out okay in the end.

I've had to learn the hard way that having dreads means giving up on vanity.  It means letting go of preconceived notions of how we should look.  Yes, dreads tend to look wild and horrible in the first year.  I know a lot of companies that make dread products will tell you that it takes up to six weeks to have great looking dreads, but the reality is that's just not likely to happen.  I've gotten to talk to one woman with fantastic dreads that spent two years watching her dreads go through all kinds of evolutions, shrinking, thickening up, and looking wild.  Mine have been going strong for nearly six months and they've still got all kinds of crazy loops and things.  Some of them are flat.  Some of them have weird little spots that just aren't dreading the same as everything else.  The roots are pretty wild and I've got all kinds of fuzz.  I've attacked them with a crochet hook for the first time, but I'm not even going to attempt to get rid of the roots.  I'm not going to bind them down or crochet them in.  I just want to pull in the loose ends so my hair stays together.  I've picked up a bit of finger rolling, but for the most part, I'm just leaving them to be crazy.

Over the past nearly six months it's been a test of faith.  Because I used the twist and rip method for dreading I ended up having to hold my breath while they nearly fell out entirely at the beginning.  Over time they slowly started to dread up again.  I've been lucky enough to watch my hair grow, not shrink up through the process, but I think a large part of that has to do with the length of the dreaded hair.  Much of my dreads aren't very solid and haven't thickened up much, but I'm sure that will change in time.  I've had a few heart attack moments with my washing routine as too much apple cider vinegar caused my hair to start to slip and come undone.  For the first four months or so I just let my hair do whatever it wanted.  I ended up with one dread eating another, so I eventually went through and separated those that were starting to grow together.  That's pretty much the only maintenance I've ever done.  I've toyed with palm rolling, but my dreads are too narrow and short for that to be practical.  Like I've mentioned, I finger roll now and again, but it's done nothing for the shape and form of my dreads.  It's more just something to do with my hands than something for the appearance of my dreads.  I've got to release that vain side of myself that wants everything to be perfect and beautiful, kind of ironic since I wrote not all that long ago about my own vanity.

The thing with dreads and maintenance is it only takes as much as you let it take.  I know there are some people who are obsessed with it.  They palm roll daily.  I know some who crochet their hair once a month in order to get rid of all the wisps.  There are some people who go in for routine maintenance monthly.  Maintenance on dreads can, in theory, take a lot of time.  If you choose to palm roll daily, or even after every bath or shower, that can take one to two hours, especially if you've got long dreads or particularly thin dreads.  This can be a huge time drain often making people feel as though their dreads are like children, requiring so much time, attention, and care.

Choosing my style of maintenance didn't take much thought on my part.  I know a lot of people refer to them as "dreads by neglect", but the truth is they're really just "au natural" if you really get down to it.  Dreads by neglect are one of three major ways to make dreads.  Backcombing, or backcombing and crochet are the most popular style of dreads.  Twist and rip are far less known about, but they're another common choice.  Dreads by neglect are simply forming dreads by neglecting your hair.  Don't brush it, don't comb it, and eventually it will knot up.  If you want to have some control in your hair's natural sectioning you rip apart and separate the dreads as they start to form, kind of sectioning them as they develop.  It's the most natural way to let your dreads develop, but requires a lot of trust and faith in your hair.  Your hair does what it wants and you really don't know what you'll end up with.

The natural dread maintenance plan pretty much means letting your dreads develop the way they develop.  Some people will let their dreads eat each other, forming massive dreads, but that's not my style.  All I do is rip them apart when they start to blend together and try and pick up the wisps when I can.  Some who use this natural method do use a crochet hook to weave the loose ends in once or twice, but after that wait for the hair to pull in on it's own.  Eventually it will dread.  They don't use any methods to pull the dread closer to the roots.  I've had dreads with two inches of undreaded hair at the root, but over time they've grown closer to the scalp.  Now I just have about a comfortable inch on most of them.  At the most I throw a little bit of nag champa oil in my hair to make it smell nice, especially if it's got a tinge of that vinegar smell right after washing.  Sometimes I use amber oil or dragon's blood for variety.  It doesn't take much and all I have to do is put oil on my hands and rub them into my dreads.  It seems like every time my hair moves the scent subtly escapes for days on end.

Styling has been a little more of a challenge.  I can't just tie my dreads up with other dreads because they're just too short.  I'm still in need of hair ties, scarves, and bandannas.  I have to do something with my hair in the morning because I don't have my friend's luck with gravity solving all.  I look like Medusa or that character from Starcraft.  I'm starting to rely on the things I can do with my hair.  Thankfully my hair is starting to grow so I'm finding I can do more and more each day.  I can finally pull it into a single pony tail!

In the end, I think the most important lessons any potential dreadie should learn is that the process takes time, potentially a lot of time.  It could take a year or two for your dreads to get out of the wild phase.  Maintenance is really not as necessary as some will try to tell you.  The dread product companies will sell you on the idea that you need their products to expediate the process, but honestly, you don't really need them.  The best thing you can do is let your hair do it's own thing and enjoy the ride.  These are the things I'm glad someone told me at the beginning of all of this!  I have to wonder how many other potential dreadies would keep their dreads longer if they only knew what they were getting themselves into in the first place.

I've still got a long way to go.  It's going to be at least six more months, I can figure, before my dreads look anything like I'll want them to, or more accurately, the way they want to.  They're still evolving quite a bit these days.  Maybe I'm unusual, but I love the wild, chaotic look of the dreads right now.  They seem very natural, very wild woman.  It's kind of freeing.  I wash them once a week, but I don't notice any of the scalp problems I've heard reported.  Maybe my hair is just responding really well to the soak I use, or maybe it's just what I'm doing.  No matter how I look at it, this is clearly the right choice for me and my hair!  On top of it all, I really am learning a lesson about myself.  Maybe I just need to stop being so vain.

Sometimes that's the biggest lesson you can ever learn in life, to release yourself from the things that are holding you back so you can recognize a new state of being.  I guess one could say that this is like the hanged man card in tarot.  You've got to look at the world from a different perspective for a while.  As a dancer so much has been built up on appearance.  I was convinced I would have perfect, maintenanced, clean dreads.  They were always going to look fantastic.  I would never have a single doubt about the end result.  Instead of getting what I wanted, I've had to learn to release myself to the outcome.  The dreads will be what they will be and there's nothing I can do but keep faith that they'll be beautiful, just like the other fantastic dreads I've seen before!

Self-Image

I've been thinking a lot about image lately.  Isn't image kind of a part of mental health?  When you look good, you feel good.  That's something we all need to consider.

I've come under criticism in the past about caring too much about my self-image.  I don't exactly put a lot of time into my appearance.  As much as I was told dreads would be a whole lot more work, I've found that it's turned into a massive time-saver!  I wish I'd done this years ago!  I don't spend time on make-up every day.  I make a bit of an effort on what I wear and I don't have a problem spending money on having nice clothes.  I'm not like some women out there that spend a good deal of time on their image every day, but it seems like there's this unwritten law that moms can't spend time on their appearance until their children are older.  I just don't get that.

One of the major things I've noticed is when I look good, I feel good.  When I feel good, I'm a better mom to my kids, a better friend to have around, and a better partner to whatever relationship I've got going at the time.  When I'm happy, the world around me is impacted in a positive way.  Shouldn't that alone be a reason to take a little extra time and money for my appearance?  And it's really not that much time at all.  It would be a bath once a month (because sometimes showers just don't cut it!), wearing nice clothes, or at least clothes that I like, and spending all of a couple minutes putting my hair up in the morning in some way that looks cute.

So, why do this?  I'm kind of stuck looking in the mirror several times each day.  Every time I go into the master bathroom, the bathroom I actually go out of my way to use, I see the mirror right as I walk in the door.  Public restrooms often have mirrors that can't easily be avoided as well.  It means several times each day I catch my own reflection.  That's not even counting the dark shadowed figure I see reflected in the monitor of my laptop, my phone, and on occasion the television.  Each of those moments can be a moment of knowing I look good, or looking at myself and thinking, "Wow, I've really let myself go."  It really does change your perspective, even if you don't care much about your appearance.

The same goes for what I'm wearing each day.  When you put clothing on you know you're going to see it all day long.  Comfort is a must, of course.  When you're comfortable you feel good too!  However, looking at yourself in sweats and a beat-up t-shirt doesn't exactly inspire a feeling of greatness.  Maybe that's why I've always leaned away from sweat pants and always go for cute and fashionable t-shirts.  I just can't stand the idea that maybe I'm starting to let go of caring a little too much.

Then there's the external half of it.  It feels really nice to get a compliment on your outfit at the supermarket.  I've gotten more compliments on my hair with the wool dreads than I can count.  While I've gotten significantly less without the woolies, I still get a lot of positive feedback.  On top of that, regardless of gender people who look nice tend to get more of a positive reaction from strangers wherever they go.  When I take the time to look nice before going out I get more smiles from strangers, and those smiles are infectious!

Wouldn't it be wonderful if the next plague of man was the smile?  It would certainly mean that people feel better wherever they go.  Grocery shopping wouldn't seem like such a hassle.  Running errands wouldn't seem like such a chore.  Then they'd take that energy home and share it with their families and the plague would continue, infecting one after the other.  It could so easily come from something as simple as taking the time to dress in a way that makes you smile or do your hair up in that cute way that you love so much.

I think that's also a vital point that most people forget.  It's not about what other people like, it's about what I like.  When I put my dreads up in too cute little pigtails, it's practical because my hair is up and out of my way, and I look at it and think, "That's such a cute hair style!"  Other people might look at me and think I'm too old for pigtails.  Someone else might look at them and think the "typical male response" of handle bars.  Others might look at it and think how much they really hate that hair style for whatever reason.  None of that matters.  All that matters is that I think it's cute.  The same goes for my style of dress.  The same goes for makeup, or in my case a lack of makeup more often than not.  When I look good, I feel good.  When I feel good, I view the world differently.  When I see the world differently, I treat the people and things in that world differently.  It's a cascade effect that comes from nothing more than being myself.

This is something I've decided I need to put more thought into.  I need to start creating a self-image that makes me smile.  I need to start dressing the way I enjoy dressing.  I need to wear my hair the way I like it.  I need to carry myself in the way I choose.  After all, I can't worry about other people taking me seriously.  If I take myself seriously other people will see past what's on the outside and take me seriously too.

You know, I think that's a lot of the problem with people in alternative communities not being taken seriously.  When you walk into a job interview with piercings, funky colored hair, and gobs of black eyeliner topped with the attitude of superiority or the underlying thought that they won't hire you because of the way you look, well, guess what?  They're not going to hire you.  All they see is a rebellious troublemaker that's going to give them problems.  However, I've seen a woman walk into an interview at a very professional office with black and purple hair, over-the top black eyeliner and matching lip stick, long acrylic nails painted black, dressed in a black suit that wasn't exactly the most business looking in cut, with piercings up her ears, in her nose and eyebrow, big crazy rings (though admittedly smaller than I've seen her wear), and a big Gothic cross necklace and still walk away with the job.  Why?  She conducted herself in a professional, serious, and friendly way during the interview.  She wasn't changing who she was or acting in any way different.  She just went in there with confidence and showed a genuine portrayal of herself.  She was requested to tone down the look a little for work, but she still got the job.  If she had gone in there with a bad attitude trying to keep the goth image rather than just be herself as a woman trying to get a job, I doubt they would have hired her at all!

Of course, in some areas of the world it's not that easy if you stand out.  There's a lot of places that aren't accepting of piercings, tattoos, and crazy hair here in Texas, but not all of it is that much of a challenge, and companies are growing more and more accepting of self-expression by the day.  On top of that, if you don't make a big deal out of things, people are more likely not to notice.  For example, I had a friend who knew me for six months and when I got the second hole in my lip he thought they were both new!  I think he might not have even noticed if I hadn't pointed it out.  I can't count the number of people who don't realize I wear two gauge earrings in my ears.  I think most people would easily forget about the dreads too, were the colors not so shocking and bright.  Even if they did, it's something easy to tone down the appearance of with creative use of a scarf or wearing a pretty beret.  It's all a matter of what you make of it.

I've thought about this a lot on the whole image for a profession thing too.  A friend of mine was saying she didn't feel like she looked like an artist.  There are times I feel like I don't look like a belly dancer.  I know there have been people who haven't taken me seriously as a mom because I don't look like a mom.  I've heard friends complain that their job doesn't take them seriously because they don't look like tech support, IT, an accountant, you name it.  They feel like they have to adopt some expected look to fit in and succeed.  Unfortunately, by doing that you not only are promoting stereotypes, but you're also not being true to yourself!  Perhaps the reason these people (myself included) aren't taken seriously has more to do with taking themselves seriously.  It's about living the life, living the dream.  If you don't feel like other people will take you seriously as a corporate executive because you have a tattoo or an unconventional piercing, they're certainly not going to!  In my case, if I feel like people won't take me seriously as a belly dancer because I've got piercings, tattoos, dreads, and funky colored hair, they're not going to!  If I feel like I'm not going to be taken seriously as a mom because I don't wear mom jeans, t-shirts, have piercings, a tattoo, and crazy funky colored hair, people aren't going to take me seriously!

Suddenly the world has changed.  I've started owning who I am, funky hair and all.  I don't pay attention to it when I go out.  I don't even notice my piercings to the point where I got the deer in the headlights look when someone asked me why I decided to get my nose pierced "on the wrong side" because I couldn't even remember why I'd done it, and didn't even put much consideration to it.  People don't treat me like I have funky colored hair when I'm not calling attention to it myself.  The way I dress doesn't really catch much attention these days either, which is great because I can be comfortable and dress the way I love without having to worry how I'll be treated for it.  When I'm me for the sake of being me without a care in the world or putting any mental focus on how other people will view me, they treat me as though I'm no different than anyone else.  I'm just your average person, with a few quirky beliefs about life and a slightly more eccentric appearance than most.

Self-image is something I think we all need to focus on, not because we need to conform to some standard of society, but because we all need to accept our own beauty.  We need to create an image of ourselves that we love, something that inspires us, something that makes us happy.  It's time we all started caring about our self-image without worry about what society will think of us.  We're all beautiful people.  It's time we let our own inner beauty shine through.

Preconceived Notions and Perfection

So all the mosaics went up and the kids are happily able to display their art.  I have to admit, I used to say I never wanted to be one of those moms that had their kids' artwork everywhere.  I had some strange image in my mind of having a house with all the right decor and everything looking just so.  There were going to be couches, end tables, and a television stand in my living room.  The dining room would have a fancy cabinet just for dishes.  The kitchen would be fairly barren aside from appliances.  The bedrooms would have their own perfectionist style to them, my daughter with a girlish metal framed bed in white with a white matching dresser and night stand set, perhaps a matching white desk to work on.  There would be pretty curtains that would match the linens on her bed.  My older boy would have his own room done up in something he enjoyed, probably in natural woods with some kind of theme like space.  The baby would have a room all done up in animals.  Their rooms would all match up just so.  My own room would have a beautiful matching bedroom set.  I had all these great ideas, ideas that wouldn't allow for a child's artwork.  It would take away from the fancy perfectionist look of the whole house.

Looking at my son's bird mosaic sitting up on the wall, I've come to realize that I've been missing out so much in life.  My attachment to perfectionism has limited myself and will undoubtedly be limiting my children as well.  I shouldn't forbid them from displaying their hard worked on projects throughout the house because they're not good enough by the standards I would hold an adult too!  Of course I can't expect my daughter to paint a masterpiece!  She's only seven!  I can't expect my son to create some beautiful drawing worthy of a museum!  He's not even four!  I can't even live up to those expectations!  If I were to continue on that vein, I'd never have artwork on my walls, not ever!  I don't even have a single photo on display.  It makes me realize just how impersonal my house is.  Even if I lived up to those home decorating standards of perfection, yes, my house would have a dramatic sense of style and would be something to put in a magazine, but who needs a show house?  Wouldn't it be better to have a home that looks lived in?  Isn't it better to show some sense of personality, to allow for things that my perfectionist side wants to rebel against?


I think this is one of the conflicts my partner and I have had.  He wants to put up band posters, movie posters, license plates, and other things on the wall.  I look at it all up there and want to scream.  It looks like a teenager's room, not an adult's living space.  Yes, we have my masks up on the wall, but now I also have a set of fairy wings I wore for Halloween a couple years back and a couple butterfly ornaments.  We've got a beautiful dragon picture that I bought years ago, but we've also got a stack of stuffed pandas that my partner gave me and a miniature from his favorite video game series.  The wall next to our television has our game controllers and accessories for EA Sports Active hung there for easy access and to get them neatly out of the way.  We've got pink Christmas lights strung up around the ceiling.  I have to admit, it kind of looks tacky, but at the same time, it's got a lot of expression.  You certainly can't say our home doesn't have personality!


I've come to realize that as much as I love my idea of self expression and have no problems dying my hair wild colors, I really have this sense of conformity.  I have this sense of how things are supposed to look.  I can't just wear clothes I like.  They have to fit with an aesthetic style and they have to match with my hair color and style of the season.  I can't just put whatever I want up on my walls.  It has to fit some preconceived notion of the way things are supposed to look.  I can't be happy with crazy, miss-matched stuff.  Everything is supposed to fit into a particular aesthetic.


I guess one thing I've learned from my children's art is that I really have to release myself from the expectations others have put on me.  Go crazy every once in a while!  Be bold!  Be dramatic!  Throw a random splash of color into things!  Be free to clash!  Who cares what the rest of the world thinks?