Grocery Shopping for a New Diet

Grocery shopping for a larger family is already hard enough without adding more complications.  We've got three children and three adults in this house.  It's not easy to find foods that all of us will eat, and that's not even looking into the reality that we're also in a house with food allergies.  I know some people have told me I may as well just let everyone eat what they like, but that's not as easy as it sounds.  That could result in making five dinners every day because not everyone can eat the same things.  I'm not about to do that.  Instead, I've decided to take the whole house with me on my journey through allergy land!

At this point, we're avoiding a whole huge list of things, and let me tell you, they're in everything!  The hardest one to escape seems to be soy.  While making things from scratch with a gluten substitute isn't that bad, and there's plenty of ways to avoid dairy, even the substitutes for dairy contain soy (and sometimes soy and dairy combined!) which makes trying to avoid soy an interesting challenge.  To simplify things, I'm cutting soy out of my diet last because, well, I still want to be able to add butter to things a little bit longer.  It's not easy trying to escape these ingredients!

When we go to the store we've got a lot to take into consideration.  I have all of my allergies, and Marrok (the former owner of the perfect grunge shirt) has his nut allergies.  That means we've got to be very selective about what we get.  To further complicate things, we're a pork-free household, which means we've got one more option off the list.  At present we're avoiding poultry, too, as it's often injected with casein to keep it fresh.  This means fish, beef, lamb, and a lot of vegetables.  We even have to be careful about our dairy substitutes as many of them contain nuts.  Obviously soy milk is out, and Marrok can't have almond milk.  Surprisingly, coconut milk comes with a warning that it may contain almonds.  We may have to change over to rice milk depending on how he reacts.  That may not be a bad thing considering I actually like rice milk for cooking.  As he's said, we just need to make sure we have a phone handy in case of emergency.  I don't want my need for healthy living to kill him!

Shopping at Walmart, unfortunately, proves problematic.  They don't have very much selection on anything.  It seems like they're part of the culture that feeds into unhealthy America, and if I could afford to, I'd boycott the store.  Unfortunately, Walmart seems to be one of those companies no one but the rich can afford to boycott.  When it comes to home goods, clothing, and everything else, their prices can't be beat.  However, this isn't exactly the time for my rant on how Walmart is part of the downfall of this country and it's economy.  I'm trying to focus on something much happier, my own health.

Having little other option, and wanting to make gravy to go with my new version of shepherd's pie, I had to pick up some kind of flour.  Sadly, there aren't a lot of options for flours that don't contain gluten in your Walmart baking aisle.  There's tons of wheat flour of any variety imaginable.  There's organic and non-organic, self-rising flour with yeast, baking flour, and pretty much everything else.  There were more kinds of wheat flour than I had ever imagined, but only one small shelf with soy flower in small packages.  There were only two rows of it and the shelf was hardly full.  It seems like society expects that people don't have wheat allergies and things like that.  Apparently the local Asian market offers rice flour, which will probably be where I shop in the future, but until then my only option was soy flour.  They sold it in tiny packages, so small it made me glad I didn't have to do any serious baking with it.  As something to make gravy with, it wouldn't be so bad, but it certainly isn't an economical purchase for frequent use!  I can't wait to check out my options.  I'm looking forward to being soy-free and I'm hoping that rice four is a better option for us.  I've heard there are all kinds of gluten-free wheat substitutes out there, but I don't know much about them.  I'm going to have to do some research on this one because the more options I have, the better.

Butter was another challenging problem for me.  There really aren't many options when it comes to butter as most of them contain soy.  I wouldn't be surprised if all of them contain casein in their "natural flavor", but I decided it was worth a try.  I can't kick everything and butter is such a common additive for cooking.  Apparently there are only two options that do not contain dairy as a main component available at Walmart.  I hear HEB has a better selection, but I wasn't brave enough to try them.  I've found their prices to be even more steep than Walmart locally.  Smart Balance has a butter made from extra virgin olive oil.  There is also a company called Best Life that makes a stick butter.  Both products have soy, but at this point I'm running out of options.  I don't know if they make a butter that's dairy and soy free.

I couldn't help myself when it came to the milk section.  Passing my favorite chocolate milk was far too sad for me.  I didn't check the ingredients (though I suppose I should have and probably still should), but I got some chocolate almond milk.  I couldn't resist.  I had to do something for me, and we were already there buying coconut milk.  I know it's not going to be anywhere near as good as the chocolate milk I used to drink, but I can at least try it.  You never know, I may love it!  I think that's going to be the hardest part of going dairy-free.  I don't like the milk substitutes near as much as I like milk.  With how expensive this stuff is, I may have to look at making my own.  I got a recipe for rice milk that I'm going to have to try out and review later.  It would definitely put me one step closer to the root of the process, something I think is very important when you're making your own foods, especially when it comes to allergies.

To balance things out a bit, and to give me something fast and loaded with sugar for sugar crashes we loaded up in the produce section.  I picked up some butternut squash.  I'm going to try acorn squash, though I have no idea how to prepare it.  We bought a bunch of potatoes, since those are always safe.  They may not be near as good without butter, but I'm sure I can find a way to make them taste yummy without it.  Carrots and broccoli are always favorites around here, but again, I cook my carrots with butter, so that might get interesting once I kick the soy.  I've been told I should check out the Asian food market here for vegetables too.  Apparently they have an excellent variety of squash and other things.  It would be nice to have something to resort to that doesn't come in a can.  I love canned corn for it's sake of ease, but I miss having fresh corn from the little farm back home.  If anyone who reads this lives in the Arlington, Mass area, check out Wilson's Farm.  They're fantastic!

Then we loaded up with fruits, even though we only got clementines and black plums.  I've noticed in Texas there's only one short window where you can get black plums.  The rest of the time it's red plums, which I can't stand and I never knew why.  I think it's because I grew up on black plums.  My dad and I used to eat them every summer.  Clementines were new to me in high school.  My mom got a bunch from someone she was in school with and brought them home.  My sister and I adored them  They were the best thing we'd had in quite some time and we couldn't get enough.  I've always liked oranges, but the sweet, easy taste to these was delightful.  I've bought them ever since and my kids and I enjoy them.  They're harder to find when it gets cool, but in the summer, they're everywhere.  I just wish you could get the big crates of them like we always used to be able to find back home.  They would last for what seemed like forever.

We picked up some teas too.  I love drinking tea.  I haven't been drinking it so much because it's just been too hot, but if I'm not going to be drinking soda, I need to have something other than water.  I love juice, but I don't want to be filling myself up with that much sugar.  Tea is an incredible alternative.  Besides, I can get a mint tea that will help settle my stomach with everything that's going on.  We picked up some Yogi mint tea for me.  We also grabbed some Yogi detox tea for Marrok, since he's put a lot of unhealthy things in his system over the years, and if it helps his body purge, all the better.  I picked up some Celestial Seasons Vanilla Sleepytime Tea for the kids, and some Chai for Chesh.  I figure tea will be something that can benefit the whole family.

Because it's been forever since I've had honey, we stopped and looked at the Agave.  Marrok immediately jumped on it and said I should get it.  It was cute.  He said, "You use honey in your tea, right?"  I almost laughed.  Of all the things I'm allergic to, honey is perhaps the most evil.  Just one spoonful is enough to make me double over with abdominal pain and be sick for a week.  Because of this, I'd never gotten used to honey in tea.  My allergy picked up before I'd even started drinking tea, back when I was about twelve, maybe younger.  I decided it might be fun to try something new to sweeten my tea, so we'll see how it works.  I may just decide I would rather not sweeten it at all.  He's so kind for thinking of me though!

To top it all off, we got a lot of red meat and some fish.  We're going to be making steak, roast, and stew.  Of course, red meat is the most painful and expensive part of the whole thing.  One would think in Texas it would be cheaper and more affordable, but I guess not.  I also find myself missing living back home.  There's something about getting fresh fish that's so much better than the frozen stuff offered here.  It felt like there were so many more options, at least where fish was concerned.

Living back home things were different.  The local co-op held many options for those with diet restrictions.  I was able to live on a healthy diet for me for a year without a problem there before I decided to start cheating on everything again.  It felt good to know that I was able to live off of foods I liked without having to worry so much.  Here we don't have a co-op, unless you drive to Austin.  We don't even have a Whole Foods.  The options for something healthy are far more limited.  Our little Asian market seems to be the best option for someone like myself, but sometimes it would be nice to have a wide variety of options.  It would be nice to go into a place that looks and feels like a health food store, as silly and pointless as that may sound.

I can't wait to get to somewhere more health conscious than this hole in the wall city.  It will be so nice to go grocery shopping without having to worry about how much variety I can actually get.  Yes, I may still have to check labels, but a number of these health food companies are good at labeling.  They love to slap gluten-free, soy-free, and dairy-free on anything they can because they know it will get them attention from all the right people.  It helps people recognize how to shop.  It helps them recognize what they need to get without sitting there, reading labels.  It gets their company attention.

The sad thing is a lot more Americans have problems with these foods than anyone could ever have imagined.  Doctors don't exactly suggest eliminating foods as a first course of action when people come in complaining about health problems.  They would rather prescribe medications for pain, migraines, and mental disorders than focus on changing the diet to see if that helps, because adding more chemicals to the body solves anything...  We're only facing an increased chemical dependency in our country as the days go by.  Who knows what our country would look like if we learned how to eat right, eat healthy, and take care of our bodies?  Perhaps this is a sign that we should start putting a focus on eating right for a healthier, happier, America.  Who knows?  Maybe the suicide rate will drop.  I have no doubts that American obesity would be less of a problem.  Problems like arthritis and asthma might be reduced as they can relate to food allergies (though most people don't know that....I didn't know that)!

A Shocking Discovery, What's Really in my French Fries

This whole quest for information started when I began to research foods I can't eat to eliminate my allergies.  It's positively shocking how many things aren't vegan friendly!  There's dairy in everything, even things that label themselves as "dairy-free"!  From chewing gum to margarine to "natural flavoring" to chicken, dairy products are found everywhere.  This is especially an issue if you're not just dealing with lactose intolerance.  Instead I have to focus on eliminating all dairy products, which means looking for weird things like whey, casein, lactalbumin, galactose, recaldent, "natural flavor", caramel color, and "protein" as many protein enriched or high protein foods include added protein in the form of milk proteins.  Most vegans I know don't realize that they need to look for all those additional ingredients in their foods, and not all of the foods that contain those things plaster on their label "contains milk products".  Even soy cheeses have been found to contain milk proteins.  I guess that means going vegan just became a whole lot harder!

In the process of doing my research I came across a warning on the top of one page.  The warning informed readers that McDonald's french fries contain dairy products, as well as gluten.  I was shocked at this!  How could french fries ever contain dairy?  Or gluten for that matter?  Of course, some fries have breading, so that made a lot more sense, but what in the world is dairy doing in a french fry?  And why do my vegan friends not seem to know this?

Being a good little intelligent girl, I decided to do my research.  I wasn't going to take this at face value.  Why should I?  I'd heard a lot about the various ingredients in fast foods from all over the place.  Everyone's heard the rumor that XYZ fast food chain uses rat meat, or they use a grade of meat that's not even regulated for human consumption.  I'm sure most people have heard rumors about the toxic chemicals in fast foods from this or that.  Just about everyone has heard of the silicon in Pizza Hut's cheese.  I wasn't about to take these rumors as fact until I checked it out for myself.

My first bit of research came up with article after article, but most of them were older and outdated, from 2006 and prior.  I'd come across one article from 2011 that mentioned a beef flavoring in McDonald's french fries that made them unfriendly to vegetarians, as well as many religious practices.  Still, I couldn't find any compelling hard evidence in any major media's website.

The first page I'd found that detailed possible allergy information was by Food Facts, which listed not only their "natural beef flavoring" but gave a breakdown of how natural flavors were made, how they were governed for reporting their ingredients by the FDA, and that natural flavors such as these are considered controversial because they are not required to report things like GMOs.  Reading the information from their site in the link above will give you all sorts of information on that natural beef flavoring, including the fact that it does in deed contain wheat and dairy products.  For those who may be concerned, they also contain soy, another product in everything that is developing into a common allergen.

Realizing I had to get more creative on my search, I finally decided to go onto the McDonald's website.  According to this MSNBC article McDonald's claimed their fries were gluten-free and dairy-free back in 2006, but then added "contains wheat and dairy products" to their french fry ingredient list not long after without making too much of a public display about it.  I was certain I would find more definite information on their website, and something more concrete and recent than 2006.

According to McDonald's own ingredient list, their french fries are in deed not vegetarian friendly at all!  Shocking!  They also are not friendly to those with wheat and/or dairy problems.  While their website does detail these common, known allergens, their restaurants are surprisingly void of these details.  Further, questions outlined in Yahoo Help and other websites by vegetarians asking whether McDonald's fries are vegetarian or vegan friendly are met with many people who clearly don't know what they're talking about.  Many of the answers state that McDonald's fries contain nothing but potatoes and are cooked in vegetable oil, which means they're safe to vegetarians and vegans alike.  This myth of vegan friendly and vegetarian friendly french fries is propagated all over the web, and it seems like McDonald's is not about to make a fuss to correct this misinformation. The company is allowing people to consume foods they either should not or choose not to eat because they don't think to ask about the ingredients.  Bad form, Micky-D's!  Bad form!

In contrast, Burger King's ingredient list is far more appealing for their french fries!  No, their veggie burgers aren't vegan friendly, but they openly state that the veggie patty is not cooked on equipment that meat or poultry products are cooked on.  They do, however, contain milk, wheat, soy, and egg, followed by a clear statement that this is NOT a vegan product.  Go BK for your honesty!

Wendy's french fries are a good bet too.  While there is no simple way to link the ingredient list so you can see for yourself, here's the french fry ingredient information I've pulled off of Wendy's website:

Potatoes, Vegetable Oil (contains one or more of the following oils: canola, soybean, cottonseed, sunflower, corn), Dextrose, Sodium Acid Pyrophosphate (to maintain natural color). Cooked in Vegetable Oil (soybean oil, corn oil, cottonseed oil, hydrogenated soybean oil, natural flavor [vegetable], citric acid [preservative], dimethylpolysiloxane [anti-foaming agent]). Cooked in the same oil as menu items that contain Wheat, Egg, Milk, and Fish (where available). Seasoned with Sea Salt.


That's pretty encouraging.  They even specify that their natural flavor is vegetable, and that their products are cooked in the same oil as non-vegan friendly products.  Someone allergic to wheat or dairy may think twice about Wendy's fries based on the oil they're cooked in.

Of course, these are just the three biggest chains.  It would be worth it to ask for nutritional information at all fast-food chains you visit if you've got any specific allergy related concerns, or any other special dietary requirements.  While their websites detail the information, it can be challenging to find and may not be beneficial while on the go.  Perhaps if enough people ask for the information, they may just start keeping it on hand and readily available, because it's clear from much of what I've heard, you can't rely on the employees for accurate information.  They might not know themselves and just give you the easy answer.

As for me?  I'm boycotting McDonald's, in part because I have a problem with their ethics, but also because it's becoming clear that they've got pretty much nothing I can eat!  It seems like most fast food chains are going to present similar problems, but I'd be far more willing to bend my diet just a bit for a special treat for the kids with a company that's open, honest, and realistic about their products.

For an interesting (and only somewhat related) read, I'm suggesting The McDonaldization of Society: The Reader, The McDonladization of Society 5, and The McDonaldization of Society 6 by George Ritzer.  It's absolutely scary how much McDonald's has influenced our entire culture and society, especially with everything they get away with.  It really makes you think!

Kicking the Allergies

So, I've been doing a lot of thinking about my allergies this week.  It's come as part of a long process of feeling worse and worse as the days go by.  My mood has declined.  I'm feeling weak.  I can never breathe anymore.  Everything hurts all the time.  I'm constantly exhausted.  My stomach's upset a good deal so I never want to eat. I'm having constant headaches that quickly devolve into migraines.  It's not a fun time.  I know a lot of these symptoms directly relate to allergies that I have.  I've been ignoring my allergies, almost like I'm hoping they'll go away, when, in reality, allergies only seem to get worse when you ignore them.

My list of allergies is pretty rough.  When I look at all the things I can't eat, it leaves a lot of people wondering what I can actually eat!  When you actually break down and look at where all these products are found, it's hard to find things that don't contain them, especially since a lot of them can be hidden under "natural flavor" and other vague terms.  Many of these things aren't labeled in the products you buy in the store, so it means a lot of research, not just ingredient checking.  You really have to know what you're doing when you shop!

The list of allergies (which has been a common request lately) is as follows:

• Dairy/lactose/casein
• Eggs
• Honey
• Gluten/wheat
• MSG
• Tomatoes

The list of possible allergies includes:

• Soy
• Bananas
• Caffeine
• Processed Sugars

Of course, this isn't including the other list of allergies that isn't food related, such as wool, chemical cleaners, scented soaps and detergents, dust, spider bites, and cats.  Yes, I've got a lot of allergies.  From everything I've heard, this isn't an uncommon problem in today's society.

What scares me the most about these allergies is how they present themselves.  Most food allergies present themselves with asthma-like symptoms, especially asthma induced by exercise, which I have.  They can manifest as skin conditions, such as eczema (which for those of you who remember me shaving my head the first time, you know is a concern of mine).  Many food related allergies can cause headaches and migraines.  A sore, swollen throat, from mild "lump in the throat" symptoms to the other extreme of inhibiting breathing.  Several of these allergies can also cause an arthritic feeling in the joints, something I wasn't aware of.  Abdominal pain, nausea, dizziness, fainting/unconsciousness, and disorientation are also common.  In some of the more extreme cases, they can cause anaphylactic shock and in the case of a wheat allergy, lymphoma...as in the cancer.  In the case of a dairy allergy specifically (though it's possible other allergies have similar effects), eating dairy can prevent your body from processing many of the nutrients and calories provided for your body to function, resulting in an inability to gain weight and a lowered immune system.

In general, these allergies sap you of energy, make you feel miserable all the time, and lower your overall mood.  As a result, it's not surprising that I'm finding myself unmotivated to do, well, pretty much anything.  I don't want to clean my house.  I'm too tired all the time.  I've had to cancel a series of dance classes.  For many of the shows I want to dance in, I find myself wishing I could cancel last minute.  I find myself too exhausted to do much of anything these days, wishing I could just sleep all day and lounge around in bed.  My stomach is always at odds with me and half the time I'm hungry, but I can't eat.

Given how sick I've been in this last week alone, it's time I eliminate the primary offenders in my diet, if not everything.  This is going to be a great adventure.  I'm going to have to start making a lot of things from scratch because MSG is in just about everything prepackaged as a preservative.  You find dairy in weird things like injected into chicken at the supermarket to help it stay fresh.  A good deal of non-dairy things, like soy cheese and "vinegar" in salt and vinegar chips, actually have things like casein in them.  Strangely, even human milk has some level of casein in it, but in human milk the quantities are far lower.  Goat milk is apparently the closest dairy animal to human, which means it's the least likely to induce an allergic reaction of any kind.

My whole household is going to have to be over-turned, and quick!  Our primary staples around here have large quantities of dairy, eggs, soy, and gluten.  Believe it or not, many of the foods available on the market are full of dairy products, soy products, gluten, and eggs.  Many of them also contain MSG, especially any prepackaged meals like TV dinners.  The only way to be sure the foods you eat don't contain any of those things are to read labels, be a smart shopper (research!), and make everything from scratch.  Buy all your foods from reputable places, like butcher shops for meats and local organic farmers for fruits and vegetables.  At least then you're more likely to get exactly what you're paying for, not foods that are injected with all kinds of things for presentation, color, freshness, and preservation.

It's going to be an adventure for my family and me.  We've already got to worry about most nuts and bananas for one of us.  We don't use pork.  Now we have to add a good deal more to that list.  I'm hoping the result will be a happier, healthier family that eats far less processed food chock full of chemicals...

Sea Salt and Other Spices

I've noticed America has an obsession with salt.  I have to admit, I used to be the same way.  There was a time when french fries had to have so much salt that I couldn't taste the fries.  I guess that should say something about the fries.  I always wanted the saltiest chips, the saltiest everything.  I'm starting to notice that the American culture is filled with salt addiction.

When I look at Americans in restaurants I notice salt being poured on meals everywhere.  It's the same, mostly bland table salt.  Every food seems to get the salt treatment.  Nothing from burgers to pasta is too good for salt.  I'm sure many a fine chef would be heartbroken to see their dishes ruined by a patron dousing it with salt.

Salt has become an unhealthy answer to our inability to know how to spice a dish properly.  Very few people actually know how to use spices.  I don't really blame Americans for being bad cooks.  In many cases it's not their fault.  No one ever taught them how to cook, so how can they be expected to know how to properly spice.  Sometimes recipes seem too bland and tasteless if you work from the book.  If you aren't familiar with cooking, it's hard to figure out how to spice something right.

One of the things that helped me learn how to get away from salt was a guessing game with spices.  I used trial and error a little at a time.  Pepper is a miracle replacement for salt.  I quickly found that I didn't need salt in my cooking at all.  It was just used to taste by the people eating it and even then I didn't often find anyone using it.  The salt wasn't kept out and easy where people were dining.  I've found far fewer people grab for the salt when it's not out and easy to access.  When you have to ask for something, you're less likely to use it.

Another thing that drastically reduced my salt consumption was the use of sea salt.  Sea salt is so much more flavorful than regular table salt.  As a result, so much less is needed on any dish, which is far healthier.  I have to say, it's certainly helped reduce my salt consumption.

Perhaps that's a direction we need to start going in this country.  We need to push away from salt on everything and instead focus on good food and learning how to really cook.  Foods would taste better and we'd be happier and healthier!

The Great Food Debate, Meals Versus Grazing

I've had a question posed to me by TheArtsyEclectic at Otherwise Quite Good.  It's one of those questions I've heard debated time after time.  Is it healthier to eat three square meals each day or to graze throughout the day?  This concept has been highly debated over time.

This subject seems to have a lot of information no matter how you cut it.  There's plenty of information supporting three round meals each day, but the more I talk to doctors and experts, the more I'm finding that may not be held as true as it once was.  It seems that humans, by nature, are more inclined to graze.

Think about it, in ancient times we didn't have time to sit down for three meals each day.  Our kind started as hunter and gatherer cultures.  It is thought that some of our eating habits were that of scavengers as well.  In other words, you eat what you can when you can.  As a result, one would think we would benefit more from eating when we're hungry, not at scheduled times each day, and eating until we're satiated, not until we're full.

When you're really full, think of how you feel.  Most people are more sluggish and tired when they're full.  They "eat too much" and then don't feel like doing much of anything.  How would that work in a world where you have to fear predators.  Well, it wouldn't.  I don't think I've ever heard of a single kind of animal that eats until they're full and handles it really well.

Three meals each day is very practical if you look at our society in, say, colonial times, or in the middle ages.  When you spend each day working hard in the fields, you don't really have time to graze all day long.  Eating really filling meals allows you to continue working for longer through the day without suffering the effects of hunger.  It really turned into a practical thing, but was it healthy?  I'm not entirely sure it was unhealthy.  If you think about it, when you're doing hard work all day long you're far less prone to snacking.  Also, with the hard work you do all day long, you're not terribly at risk of things like obesity.

Looking at the way we live today, it's not surprising that we're going back to that grazing mentality.  We spend much of our days sitting down and have plenty of time to snack while we're sitting.  I honestly believe humans are wired for grazing rather than binging on large meals.  If we were, or if that about our nature had somehow changed, we would clearly not have that instinct with us now.  If we didn't have that instinct, I think we would have a lot easier of a time with the whole obesity issue.  That's not to say that overweight people eat too much and/or don't get enough exercise.  I'm sure that's part of the problem in some cases, however, I think the emphasis on filling ourselves at every meal with our natural drive to graze throughout the day makes any genetic predispositions to being overweight or any other situations that may play into it that much more of a challenge.

Personally, I find my energy levels stay higher and I'm in a much better mood if I snack throughout the day along with three "meals".  I've found that if I eat only until I'm sated and not until I'm full, I eat much less at each meal.  Three small meals with a couple of snacks during the day, usually about two, just like most children, seems to be a great recipe for success for me.

It also doesn't help that we're training ourselves to eat large meals and still find ourselves hungry for snacking not long after we're done.  As I mentioned before with fast food, these meals are often large and seem to be filling, but in truth, they seem to be a lot of empty calories leaving us craving some serious nutritious sustenance.  When we grab snacks to graze on, again, they're empty calories that don't fill our need for nutrition.  We're left wanting something that will really sustain us.  This leads us to a sad situation where we're prone to both grazing and binge eating.

As a result, the classic American diet combined with lifestyle and our natural inclination to graze is a recipe for some serious unhealthy behaviors.  Sadly, I'm known to follow many of these.  However, with my current opinion on the matter, I think my goal will be to eat three small meals and a couple snacks when I'm hungry, healthy ones, of course!  Meals that fulfill my natural need for nutrients!

(Sorry if this seems scattered.  It's been a scattered kind of day!)