The Spiritual Journey of Dreadlocks or A Learning not to Be Vain

So, a friend of mine has been writing about her journey with dreadlocks on her blog, Otherwise Quite Good.  She has sadly decided to end her journey with dreads.  As much as I loved her dreads, I understand that it's not a good choice for everyone.  It's going to be a different experience for each person.

In her blog she wrote about the pros and cons of dreads from a newbie perspective.  While I understand that's her experience, at the same time I'm finding that I don't recognize it at all.  A lot of what she's saying is pretty strange to me.  Every experience is different, and I guess mine is very different than hers.

The biggest reason most people I know do dreads is maintenance.  Dreads are supposed to be a pretty easy, care-free hair style.  Of course, when you ask people who have actually had dreads, you get a very different story, depending on the method they use.  They're also an exercise in patience.  I think if it weren't for the dread community I'm involved with on Ravelry, I'd be pretty lost right now.  I certainly wouldn't know what to expect and I'd be doing a lot of things I've now come to realize are just some company's way to make money off people with dreads.  In truth, I'd probably be combing them out by now too.

What most people don't understand is that dreadlocks are a spiritual journey.  It's not something you can undertake lightly.  You've got to seriously think into it before you do it because they're just not going to look the way you want them to any time soon.  They may never look the way you want them to.  It's going to take a while before they even look halfway decent anyway.  It's a long term commitment.  It could take a year or two, and for some people, that's quite some time.  You've just got to have faith that the dreads will come out okay in the end.

I've had to learn the hard way that having dreads means giving up on vanity.  It means letting go of preconceived notions of how we should look.  Yes, dreads tend to look wild and horrible in the first year.  I know a lot of companies that make dread products will tell you that it takes up to six weeks to have great looking dreads, but the reality is that's just not likely to happen.  I've gotten to talk to one woman with fantastic dreads that spent two years watching her dreads go through all kinds of evolutions, shrinking, thickening up, and looking wild.  Mine have been going strong for nearly six months and they've still got all kinds of crazy loops and things.  Some of them are flat.  Some of them have weird little spots that just aren't dreading the same as everything else.  The roots are pretty wild and I've got all kinds of fuzz.  I've attacked them with a crochet hook for the first time, but I'm not even going to attempt to get rid of the roots.  I'm not going to bind them down or crochet them in.  I just want to pull in the loose ends so my hair stays together.  I've picked up a bit of finger rolling, but for the most part, I'm just leaving them to be crazy.

Over the past nearly six months it's been a test of faith.  Because I used the twist and rip method for dreading I ended up having to hold my breath while they nearly fell out entirely at the beginning.  Over time they slowly started to dread up again.  I've been lucky enough to watch my hair grow, not shrink up through the process, but I think a large part of that has to do with the length of the dreaded hair.  Much of my dreads aren't very solid and haven't thickened up much, but I'm sure that will change in time.  I've had a few heart attack moments with my washing routine as too much apple cider vinegar caused my hair to start to slip and come undone.  For the first four months or so I just let my hair do whatever it wanted.  I ended up with one dread eating another, so I eventually went through and separated those that were starting to grow together.  That's pretty much the only maintenance I've ever done.  I've toyed with palm rolling, but my dreads are too narrow and short for that to be practical.  Like I've mentioned, I finger roll now and again, but it's done nothing for the shape and form of my dreads.  It's more just something to do with my hands than something for the appearance of my dreads.  I've got to release that vain side of myself that wants everything to be perfect and beautiful, kind of ironic since I wrote not all that long ago about my own vanity.

The thing with dreads and maintenance is it only takes as much as you let it take.  I know there are some people who are obsessed with it.  They palm roll daily.  I know some who crochet their hair once a month in order to get rid of all the wisps.  There are some people who go in for routine maintenance monthly.  Maintenance on dreads can, in theory, take a lot of time.  If you choose to palm roll daily, or even after every bath or shower, that can take one to two hours, especially if you've got long dreads or particularly thin dreads.  This can be a huge time drain often making people feel as though their dreads are like children, requiring so much time, attention, and care.

Choosing my style of maintenance didn't take much thought on my part.  I know a lot of people refer to them as "dreads by neglect", but the truth is they're really just "au natural" if you really get down to it.  Dreads by neglect are one of three major ways to make dreads.  Backcombing, or backcombing and crochet are the most popular style of dreads.  Twist and rip are far less known about, but they're another common choice.  Dreads by neglect are simply forming dreads by neglecting your hair.  Don't brush it, don't comb it, and eventually it will knot up.  If you want to have some control in your hair's natural sectioning you rip apart and separate the dreads as they start to form, kind of sectioning them as they develop.  It's the most natural way to let your dreads develop, but requires a lot of trust and faith in your hair.  Your hair does what it wants and you really don't know what you'll end up with.

The natural dread maintenance plan pretty much means letting your dreads develop the way they develop.  Some people will let their dreads eat each other, forming massive dreads, but that's not my style.  All I do is rip them apart when they start to blend together and try and pick up the wisps when I can.  Some who use this natural method do use a crochet hook to weave the loose ends in once or twice, but after that wait for the hair to pull in on it's own.  Eventually it will dread.  They don't use any methods to pull the dread closer to the roots.  I've had dreads with two inches of undreaded hair at the root, but over time they've grown closer to the scalp.  Now I just have about a comfortable inch on most of them.  At the most I throw a little bit of nag champa oil in my hair to make it smell nice, especially if it's got a tinge of that vinegar smell right after washing.  Sometimes I use amber oil or dragon's blood for variety.  It doesn't take much and all I have to do is put oil on my hands and rub them into my dreads.  It seems like every time my hair moves the scent subtly escapes for days on end.

Styling has been a little more of a challenge.  I can't just tie my dreads up with other dreads because they're just too short.  I'm still in need of hair ties, scarves, and bandannas.  I have to do something with my hair in the morning because I don't have my friend's luck with gravity solving all.  I look like Medusa or that character from Starcraft.  I'm starting to rely on the things I can do with my hair.  Thankfully my hair is starting to grow so I'm finding I can do more and more each day.  I can finally pull it into a single pony tail!

In the end, I think the most important lessons any potential dreadie should learn is that the process takes time, potentially a lot of time.  It could take a year or two for your dreads to get out of the wild phase.  Maintenance is really not as necessary as some will try to tell you.  The dread product companies will sell you on the idea that you need their products to expediate the process, but honestly, you don't really need them.  The best thing you can do is let your hair do it's own thing and enjoy the ride.  These are the things I'm glad someone told me at the beginning of all of this!  I have to wonder how many other potential dreadies would keep their dreads longer if they only knew what they were getting themselves into in the first place.

I've still got a long way to go.  It's going to be at least six more months, I can figure, before my dreads look anything like I'll want them to, or more accurately, the way they want to.  They're still evolving quite a bit these days.  Maybe I'm unusual, but I love the wild, chaotic look of the dreads right now.  They seem very natural, very wild woman.  It's kind of freeing.  I wash them once a week, but I don't notice any of the scalp problems I've heard reported.  Maybe my hair is just responding really well to the soak I use, or maybe it's just what I'm doing.  No matter how I look at it, this is clearly the right choice for me and my hair!  On top of it all, I really am learning a lesson about myself.  Maybe I just need to stop being so vain.

Sometimes that's the biggest lesson you can ever learn in life, to release yourself from the things that are holding you back so you can recognize a new state of being.  I guess one could say that this is like the hanged man card in tarot.  You've got to look at the world from a different perspective for a while.  As a dancer so much has been built up on appearance.  I was convinced I would have perfect, maintenanced, clean dreads.  They were always going to look fantastic.  I would never have a single doubt about the end result.  Instead of getting what I wanted, I've had to learn to release myself to the outcome.  The dreads will be what they will be and there's nothing I can do but keep faith that they'll be beautiful, just like the other fantastic dreads I've seen before!

Self-Image

I've been thinking a lot about image lately.  Isn't image kind of a part of mental health?  When you look good, you feel good.  That's something we all need to consider.

I've come under criticism in the past about caring too much about my self-image.  I don't exactly put a lot of time into my appearance.  As much as I was told dreads would be a whole lot more work, I've found that it's turned into a massive time-saver!  I wish I'd done this years ago!  I don't spend time on make-up every day.  I make a bit of an effort on what I wear and I don't have a problem spending money on having nice clothes.  I'm not like some women out there that spend a good deal of time on their image every day, but it seems like there's this unwritten law that moms can't spend time on their appearance until their children are older.  I just don't get that.

One of the major things I've noticed is when I look good, I feel good.  When I feel good, I'm a better mom to my kids, a better friend to have around, and a better partner to whatever relationship I've got going at the time.  When I'm happy, the world around me is impacted in a positive way.  Shouldn't that alone be a reason to take a little extra time and money for my appearance?  And it's really not that much time at all.  It would be a bath once a month (because sometimes showers just don't cut it!), wearing nice clothes, or at least clothes that I like, and spending all of a couple minutes putting my hair up in the morning in some way that looks cute.

So, why do this?  I'm kind of stuck looking in the mirror several times each day.  Every time I go into the master bathroom, the bathroom I actually go out of my way to use, I see the mirror right as I walk in the door.  Public restrooms often have mirrors that can't easily be avoided as well.  It means several times each day I catch my own reflection.  That's not even counting the dark shadowed figure I see reflected in the monitor of my laptop, my phone, and on occasion the television.  Each of those moments can be a moment of knowing I look good, or looking at myself and thinking, "Wow, I've really let myself go."  It really does change your perspective, even if you don't care much about your appearance.

The same goes for what I'm wearing each day.  When you put clothing on you know you're going to see it all day long.  Comfort is a must, of course.  When you're comfortable you feel good too!  However, looking at yourself in sweats and a beat-up t-shirt doesn't exactly inspire a feeling of greatness.  Maybe that's why I've always leaned away from sweat pants and always go for cute and fashionable t-shirts.  I just can't stand the idea that maybe I'm starting to let go of caring a little too much.

Then there's the external half of it.  It feels really nice to get a compliment on your outfit at the supermarket.  I've gotten more compliments on my hair with the wool dreads than I can count.  While I've gotten significantly less without the woolies, I still get a lot of positive feedback.  On top of that, regardless of gender people who look nice tend to get more of a positive reaction from strangers wherever they go.  When I take the time to look nice before going out I get more smiles from strangers, and those smiles are infectious!

Wouldn't it be wonderful if the next plague of man was the smile?  It would certainly mean that people feel better wherever they go.  Grocery shopping wouldn't seem like such a hassle.  Running errands wouldn't seem like such a chore.  Then they'd take that energy home and share it with their families and the plague would continue, infecting one after the other.  It could so easily come from something as simple as taking the time to dress in a way that makes you smile or do your hair up in that cute way that you love so much.

I think that's also a vital point that most people forget.  It's not about what other people like, it's about what I like.  When I put my dreads up in too cute little pigtails, it's practical because my hair is up and out of my way, and I look at it and think, "That's such a cute hair style!"  Other people might look at me and think I'm too old for pigtails.  Someone else might look at them and think the "typical male response" of handle bars.  Others might look at it and think how much they really hate that hair style for whatever reason.  None of that matters.  All that matters is that I think it's cute.  The same goes for my style of dress.  The same goes for makeup, or in my case a lack of makeup more often than not.  When I look good, I feel good.  When I feel good, I view the world differently.  When I see the world differently, I treat the people and things in that world differently.  It's a cascade effect that comes from nothing more than being myself.

This is something I've decided I need to put more thought into.  I need to start creating a self-image that makes me smile.  I need to start dressing the way I enjoy dressing.  I need to wear my hair the way I like it.  I need to carry myself in the way I choose.  After all, I can't worry about other people taking me seriously.  If I take myself seriously other people will see past what's on the outside and take me seriously too.

You know, I think that's a lot of the problem with people in alternative communities not being taken seriously.  When you walk into a job interview with piercings, funky colored hair, and gobs of black eyeliner topped with the attitude of superiority or the underlying thought that they won't hire you because of the way you look, well, guess what?  They're not going to hire you.  All they see is a rebellious troublemaker that's going to give them problems.  However, I've seen a woman walk into an interview at a very professional office with black and purple hair, over-the top black eyeliner and matching lip stick, long acrylic nails painted black, dressed in a black suit that wasn't exactly the most business looking in cut, with piercings up her ears, in her nose and eyebrow, big crazy rings (though admittedly smaller than I've seen her wear), and a big Gothic cross necklace and still walk away with the job.  Why?  She conducted herself in a professional, serious, and friendly way during the interview.  She wasn't changing who she was or acting in any way different.  She just went in there with confidence and showed a genuine portrayal of herself.  She was requested to tone down the look a little for work, but she still got the job.  If she had gone in there with a bad attitude trying to keep the goth image rather than just be herself as a woman trying to get a job, I doubt they would have hired her at all!

Of course, in some areas of the world it's not that easy if you stand out.  There's a lot of places that aren't accepting of piercings, tattoos, and crazy hair here in Texas, but not all of it is that much of a challenge, and companies are growing more and more accepting of self-expression by the day.  On top of that, if you don't make a big deal out of things, people are more likely not to notice.  For example, I had a friend who knew me for six months and when I got the second hole in my lip he thought they were both new!  I think he might not have even noticed if I hadn't pointed it out.  I can't count the number of people who don't realize I wear two gauge earrings in my ears.  I think most people would easily forget about the dreads too, were the colors not so shocking and bright.  Even if they did, it's something easy to tone down the appearance of with creative use of a scarf or wearing a pretty beret.  It's all a matter of what you make of it.

I've thought about this a lot on the whole image for a profession thing too.  A friend of mine was saying she didn't feel like she looked like an artist.  There are times I feel like I don't look like a belly dancer.  I know there have been people who haven't taken me seriously as a mom because I don't look like a mom.  I've heard friends complain that their job doesn't take them seriously because they don't look like tech support, IT, an accountant, you name it.  They feel like they have to adopt some expected look to fit in and succeed.  Unfortunately, by doing that you not only are promoting stereotypes, but you're also not being true to yourself!  Perhaps the reason these people (myself included) aren't taken seriously has more to do with taking themselves seriously.  It's about living the life, living the dream.  If you don't feel like other people will take you seriously as a corporate executive because you have a tattoo or an unconventional piercing, they're certainly not going to!  In my case, if I feel like people won't take me seriously as a belly dancer because I've got piercings, tattoos, dreads, and funky colored hair, they're not going to!  If I feel like I'm not going to be taken seriously as a mom because I don't wear mom jeans, t-shirts, have piercings, a tattoo, and crazy funky colored hair, people aren't going to take me seriously!

Suddenly the world has changed.  I've started owning who I am, funky hair and all.  I don't pay attention to it when I go out.  I don't even notice my piercings to the point where I got the deer in the headlights look when someone asked me why I decided to get my nose pierced "on the wrong side" because I couldn't even remember why I'd done it, and didn't even put much consideration to it.  People don't treat me like I have funky colored hair when I'm not calling attention to it myself.  The way I dress doesn't really catch much attention these days either, which is great because I can be comfortable and dress the way I love without having to worry how I'll be treated for it.  When I'm me for the sake of being me without a care in the world or putting any mental focus on how other people will view me, they treat me as though I'm no different than anyone else.  I'm just your average person, with a few quirky beliefs about life and a slightly more eccentric appearance than most.

Self-image is something I think we all need to focus on, not because we need to conform to some standard of society, but because we all need to accept our own beauty.  We need to create an image of ourselves that we love, something that inspires us, something that makes us happy.  It's time we all started caring about our self-image without worry about what society will think of us.  We're all beautiful people.  It's time we let our own inner beauty shine through.

Preconceived Notions and Perfection

So all the mosaics went up and the kids are happily able to display their art.  I have to admit, I used to say I never wanted to be one of those moms that had their kids' artwork everywhere.  I had some strange image in my mind of having a house with all the right decor and everything looking just so.  There were going to be couches, end tables, and a television stand in my living room.  The dining room would have a fancy cabinet just for dishes.  The kitchen would be fairly barren aside from appliances.  The bedrooms would have their own perfectionist style to them, my daughter with a girlish metal framed bed in white with a white matching dresser and night stand set, perhaps a matching white desk to work on.  There would be pretty curtains that would match the linens on her bed.  My older boy would have his own room done up in something he enjoyed, probably in natural woods with some kind of theme like space.  The baby would have a room all done up in animals.  Their rooms would all match up just so.  My own room would have a beautiful matching bedroom set.  I had all these great ideas, ideas that wouldn't allow for a child's artwork.  It would take away from the fancy perfectionist look of the whole house.

Looking at my son's bird mosaic sitting up on the wall, I've come to realize that I've been missing out so much in life.  My attachment to perfectionism has limited myself and will undoubtedly be limiting my children as well.  I shouldn't forbid them from displaying their hard worked on projects throughout the house because they're not good enough by the standards I would hold an adult too!  Of course I can't expect my daughter to paint a masterpiece!  She's only seven!  I can't expect my son to create some beautiful drawing worthy of a museum!  He's not even four!  I can't even live up to those expectations!  If I were to continue on that vein, I'd never have artwork on my walls, not ever!  I don't even have a single photo on display.  It makes me realize just how impersonal my house is.  Even if I lived up to those home decorating standards of perfection, yes, my house would have a dramatic sense of style and would be something to put in a magazine, but who needs a show house?  Wouldn't it be better to have a home that looks lived in?  Isn't it better to show some sense of personality, to allow for things that my perfectionist side wants to rebel against?


I think this is one of the conflicts my partner and I have had.  He wants to put up band posters, movie posters, license plates, and other things on the wall.  I look at it all up there and want to scream.  It looks like a teenager's room, not an adult's living space.  Yes, we have my masks up on the wall, but now I also have a set of fairy wings I wore for Halloween a couple years back and a couple butterfly ornaments.  We've got a beautiful dragon picture that I bought years ago, but we've also got a stack of stuffed pandas that my partner gave me and a miniature from his favorite video game series.  The wall next to our television has our game controllers and accessories for EA Sports Active hung there for easy access and to get them neatly out of the way.  We've got pink Christmas lights strung up around the ceiling.  I have to admit, it kind of looks tacky, but at the same time, it's got a lot of expression.  You certainly can't say our home doesn't have personality!


I've come to realize that as much as I love my idea of self expression and have no problems dying my hair wild colors, I really have this sense of conformity.  I have this sense of how things are supposed to look.  I can't just wear clothes I like.  They have to fit with an aesthetic style and they have to match with my hair color and style of the season.  I can't just put whatever I want up on my walls.  It has to fit some preconceived notion of the way things are supposed to look.  I can't be happy with crazy, miss-matched stuff.  Everything is supposed to fit into a particular aesthetic.


I guess one thing I've learned from my children's art is that I really have to release myself from the expectations others have put on me.  Go crazy every once in a while!  Be bold!  Be dramatic!  Throw a random splash of color into things!  Be free to clash!  Who cares what the rest of the world thinks?

Making the Outside Match the Inside

Expression is a beautiful thing.  For me, my body is my art.  It's another way I can show my true colors.  To this point I've done this through body modifications (piercings and tattoos), flashy hair colors, and my own wonderful style.  It's just a part of who I am.

When I think about myself, I think of vibrancy, beautiful colors, happiness, love, and plenty of positive energy.  I think of myself as being rather bright.  As much as I used to be a Goth when I was younger, but now I'm realizing that all of that darkness just doesn't suit me.  I'm not a melancholy person.  I know I can be, but it's not the kind of self I wanted to be.  I want to express the lighter side of myself.

One thing I love about being an artist to my core is the ability to express myself.  I may not be able to do it on paper like so many painters and other artists do.  I can often do it through words.  However, more often than not, I thrive at self-expression, through dance, through appearances, through just being myself.  I love to write.  I love to move with the music.  I love the idea of using my body as a canvas.  It's just one more surface to explore vibrant colors and my wild nature.  It's just one more part of who I am.

I'm really looking forward to the changes that will be happening in my life.  I've got hair dye in right now after bleaching (I know...oh so healthy and natural!) and then we're going to be starting my dreads.  I'm excited.  When I'm done with that, I'm finally going to feel a lot more like the person I think I should be, and not just one more face that blends into the crowd.  It's not about standing out, it's about being true to myself.  It's about being a bellweather, perhaps not by inspiring other people to copy my wild style, but in encouraging others to be true to themselves, to act from their own heart, from that grounded place inside themselves.  I'm starting a new trend, and I'm even noticing that others are following along to.

This isn't about standing out, being different, or being wild and crazy.  This is all about being who I am, whether people accept that or not, whether they like that or not.  It's all about making the image on the outside match the beautiful picture painted within.