I don't know what's been going on with me lately. I've finally figured out where I want to be and what I want to be doing, but I feel like I'm totally missing the point. I'm being sidetracked by things that really are important, but seem to be taking away from my goals. It seems like I've somehow lost touch with the kind o person I want to be and somehow this stranger has intervened to take it's place.
This past week has been spent largely cleaning and organizing my house. I've got all the science and nature books put on one shelf. Another shelf is half history books, half coloring and craft books. That frees up more room in my daughter's book shelves to keep the books she actually wants. I'm hoping that will mean she can fit all of her chapter books and everything else. It's amazing how much space is freed up just by organizing the books. It helps to have all the books that relate to school in a place where they can all share them.
The living room book shelves started the journey. I've been cleaning them from top to bottom. The whole room looks so much nicer without all the crazy clutter, which means once I get all the books up off the floor and into the places they need to go, I can finally feel a bit better about having people over! It's also nice to be able to find the books I want to read when I want to read them. I've been doing a decent amount of reading lately. It's nice to feel like I'm expanding my mind.
The reading I've been doing lately is different too. I've been focusing on non-fiction reading. I'm trying to develop a focus on things that relate to my life, spirituality, diet, parenting, and those sorts of topics. It's been refreshing to sit back and read for a while without feeling guilty about it. After all, reading isn't a guilty pleasure. It's expanding my mind and helping to set a good example for my children. It's a great way to relax too.
Still, in all of this I'm starting to feel like maybe my life is starting to get off track again. I'm cleaning, reading, and taking care of my home, but what about my spirituality? What about changing the patterns in my life? What about becoming the person I want to be? Am I going to lose some of that in my quest to get my physical surroundings up to par so we can maintain the status quo? Or does that somehow relate into it all, that being a more "normal" family somehow will help me on my way to accepting my new life as Mommy above all else, putting aside any other labels?
It just feels like maybe I'm losing a part of myself in all of this, that somehow I'm missing something that's incredibly integral to who I am. I just wish I knew what it was so I could take a step forward and truly embrace that part of my life. I am who I am. I just hope I'm not starting to lose sense of that.
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