I've got to admit, I've kind of become sucked in to the Facebook generation. My friend count has skyrocketed more times than I can count, no matter how many times I've tried to cut it back. I honestly don't think I've ever had less than a hundred friends on Facebook since my account was new. It's a little disturbing to think about, really. Do I really have that many friends?
All of this started when I considered adding some moms from the co-op yesterday. I had to think about what kind of view they'd get of my life if I added them to my Facebook. I really wanted to. They've become a truly influential part of my life and it would be nice to keep updated with whatever's going on with them. It may seem like something easy, but it wasn't so much that decision that was challenging. It got me thinking about everything connecting to my Facebook. I put a lot out there, and there's a lot of people on friends' list that I might not want knowing that kind of information.
It was about a year and a half ago that I realized perhaps I was putting a bit much out there with my Facebook profile. I would include updates on the divorce and things like that. It always seemed that no matter how careful I was, friends of his would read what I wrote and inform him. It felt like having spies on my Facebook. I wasn't free to express myself and what I was really going through. I felt so exposed, like my privacy was no longer being respected. I'd deleted my husband, anyone I suspected might be a "spy", and locked down my profile so only friends could access my updates. I thought that would probably fix everything. I would feel like I had my privacy again.
About six months ago I realized that a lot of my friends were a part of the dance community. Being a belly dancer, this shouldn't be surprising. I wanted to stay connected, but I felt like I couldn't have my privacy again. I don't want to talk about my divorce with the dance community. I don't want to bog them down with pictures of my kids. I don't want them knowing private details of my life, not that I'm posting much that's private on my Facebook, but they're just not that kind of friends, you know? I created a dance profile specifically for that and moved most of my dance contacts over to that instead. Only a handful remained on my profile. I felt much more comfortable with my own privacy knowing I could keep some details of my life out of "public view" only to choose who I wanted to share with instead, my own personal social circle.
Still, my friend list was massive, and grew. As of this morning I had a total of 175 friends on my list. How many of them can I possibly know? How many of them are really my friends? How many care to read my updates, view my pictures, or anything else. How many of them do I skim over when I'm reading my news feed because it's just the eight millionth game announcement or request or they simply don't say anything I'm interested in? How many of them say things that challenge my views, get under my skin, and make me want to start a debate when perhaps it's better to keep my mouth shut? And are all these people really the kinds of people I want seeing pictures of my kids, hearing about my life, and in general being up to date on my goings on? Is this really something I should be comfortable with? And of those friends, how many of them would really be there if I needed a shoulder to cry on, friendly advice, or someone to listen as I vent my frustration? How many of them would I be there for?
Cutting back the first 75 friends wasn't too terribly hard. There were a lot of people on there I was involved with through dance or other things that really aren't involved in my life. There were a number of people from my high school that I just don't care to stay in touch with. There were a handful of people from the local Pagan group that I never talk to anymore. Those were easy to cut out. In general if there's been no contact between the two of us for over a year or I really don't know you that well, then it's pretty easy for you to be gone. There were plenty of people I figured I can always add later, or I'll see them around.
Then things started getting harder. There's something about holding on to the past that seems like it's such a great idea. It's not easy to let go of the crowd from the old game group. I don't want to distance myself from the fire spinners and some of my favorite dancers. It's not always easy to let go of ex-boyfriends I still want to be friends with. It's challenging to admit that I'll never see these people again, and in truth, I really don't want to. They were what they were in my life at the time, but I've moved on and it's time to accept that. It doesn't help me to hold on to those old pieces of my past, not unless they have some purpose in my future. It's time to move on and live in the now.
After all that I managed to cut back by another 30 friends. Honestly, I thought I'd feel bad about it, but already I feel so much better! It's a huge relief to know I'm not going to be staring at all those faces and updates every time I log on, knowing those people really aren't a part of my life. It's a huge relief to let go and know that those are people I'll see if I'm meant to, but I won't if I'm not. I can stop holding out for hope that we can once again be friends some day.
Feeling pretty confident at how easy all of that turned out to be (and how wonderful it felt) I decided to go for a third and final purge. Anything more for one day might just bee too much. For starters, it's a HUGE time drain. It takes a lot of time to click and delete every one. There's no bulk delete action. I didn't know how many more people I could delete without feeling a little bad about it. There are a handful of people I still want to keep on the list because, well, I still really care about them and I want to stay in touch, but the whole thing was pretty darn brutal!
When that was done I'd shaved about another nearly 20 Facebook friends! Can you believe it? That means I've stopped being "friends" with over 125 people! It feels so incredibly freeing!
Looking at all of that, I've come to realize the shocking difference between Facebook friends and real friends. I've had a lot of Facebook friends. They come and go over time. Some of them are people that really were influential in my life at one point or another. Most of them have fallen away. We've grown apart and distant. We've taken different directions in our lives. It's perfectly normal, and in times before Facebook, that's just how it was. There's something about Facebook that gets people thinking they have to hang on to these old friendships that have fallen by the wayside. They have to keep on their computer to check for updates from friends they rarely hear about, and often times truly don't care what those people are doing. Instead of letting go of the past and growing up, it's too easy to leave that as a landmark for change in our lives. We need to hold ourselves up to those old friends and see where we stand.
Well, I've decided I don't need that anymore. I'm grown up now. I'm a big girl. I don't need a bunch of people that aren't really a part of my life checking in with me and giving me their two cents. I don't need anyone's permission to live my life the way I choose. I just need to be myself. In truth, I feel much happier knowing that the people that remain are people I truly love and enjoy in my life. So for those of you out there who are reading this and are more than just my Facebook friends, thanks for being there for me. You have no idea how much I appreciate you!
No comments:
Post a Comment