This weekend something terrifying happened. I had been dreading it for a while now. It was so all-consuming that it may have actually made me sick. My entire life so far has been leading up to this point.
What is this huge landmark? What could have me so worked up? I turned thirty this weekend and it's a landmark I wasn't ready for.
Most people have told me thirty isn't a big deal. Thirty just means you're actually wise enough to be taken seriously in most circles. While you're truly an adult at twenty-one in this country, you're not expected to be mature until you hit thirty, at least. Many career oriented people are just settling down, getting married, and having kids. It's certainly not a mark of being old, not anymore. Even so, my life isn't where I expected it to be in the least.
Hitting thirty was a landmark of all the things that didn't go the way I had planned. I never had my wedding. I'm getting a divorce, a statistic I swore I'd never become. I'm living in Texas, a state I swore I'd never live in. I've given birth to kids by two different fathers, something that was fine for other people but I never thought I could cope with. I'm not even close to being a famous dancer, designer, costumer, or scientist. I'm not finished with my training in Dianic Wicca, and I never did register for a Reiki attunemeny. I had all these dreams, but now they're all washed away by the flood rains that are drowning my life.
You know what's so funny about that? It's taken me until the day after to realize I just don't care. I've got other things to think about, like wanting to try for just one more girl before the factory closes down for good. There's no hurry on that. I've still got five years. It doesn't seem like long at all, but at the same time, it seems so far away. I still want to dance, but I'm not terribly drawn to being noteworthy. I just want to enjoy it. I want to focus on working as a healer, something I've been drawn to for years and it's never to late to go back to. I have these great visions that involve me being happy, not some huge goal. I want to share my gifts and embrace the beauty of the world around me.
If someone had told me ten years ago that I would be this hippie, unschooling mom with piercings, a massive butterfly tattoo in bright colors, and crazy dreads, I never would have believed it. I wasn't even considering being a mom back then. I was soon to be engaged and dreamed of raisong horses, Gypsy Vanners. I swore I'd never get a tattoo. After two failed tries at ear piercing and once on my nose, I swore I was done with piercings. Dreads were probably pretty disgusting because you couldn't wash your hair. The whole stretched ears thing was just as gross. The clothes I wear now would shock me because I was supposed to only dress fashionably by now and always wear makeup. After all, women my age are too old to be attractive nayurally, so would say my twenty year old self. I would never have tried Indian food, or half the other new foods I've tried. I always thought women like me were so beautiful and incredible. They were my idols, but I never imagined being one.
Here I am, just after my thirtieth birthday, realizing my life is anything but what I expected. I've accomplished becoming a person I never dreamed I'd be, yet always adored. I just thought that life wasn't for me. My friends aren't the high society elite I expected, but instead they are real, beautiful, genuine people. I've got beautiful kids and I'm lucky to have them.
For a landmark birthday, this has been pretty good. I'm feeling pretty confident from here on out. It may not be perfect, but it's going to be fun. It's time to let go of my attachment to perfection and enjoy it. Life is for living, right?
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