A Shocking Discovery, What's Really in my French Fries

This whole quest for information started when I began to research foods I can't eat to eliminate my allergies.  It's positively shocking how many things aren't vegan friendly!  There's dairy in everything, even things that label themselves as "dairy-free"!  From chewing gum to margarine to "natural flavoring" to chicken, dairy products are found everywhere.  This is especially an issue if you're not just dealing with lactose intolerance.  Instead I have to focus on eliminating all dairy products, which means looking for weird things like whey, casein, lactalbumin, galactose, recaldent, "natural flavor", caramel color, and "protein" as many protein enriched or high protein foods include added protein in the form of milk proteins.  Most vegans I know don't realize that they need to look for all those additional ingredients in their foods, and not all of the foods that contain those things plaster on their label "contains milk products".  Even soy cheeses have been found to contain milk proteins.  I guess that means going vegan just became a whole lot harder!

In the process of doing my research I came across a warning on the top of one page.  The warning informed readers that McDonald's french fries contain dairy products, as well as gluten.  I was shocked at this!  How could french fries ever contain dairy?  Or gluten for that matter?  Of course, some fries have breading, so that made a lot more sense, but what in the world is dairy doing in a french fry?  And why do my vegan friends not seem to know this?

Being a good little intelligent girl, I decided to do my research.  I wasn't going to take this at face value.  Why should I?  I'd heard a lot about the various ingredients in fast foods from all over the place.  Everyone's heard the rumor that XYZ fast food chain uses rat meat, or they use a grade of meat that's not even regulated for human consumption.  I'm sure most people have heard rumors about the toxic chemicals in fast foods from this or that.  Just about everyone has heard of the silicon in Pizza Hut's cheese.  I wasn't about to take these rumors as fact until I checked it out for myself.

My first bit of research came up with article after article, but most of them were older and outdated, from 2006 and prior.  I'd come across one article from 2011 that mentioned a beef flavoring in McDonald's french fries that made them unfriendly to vegetarians, as well as many religious practices.  Still, I couldn't find any compelling hard evidence in any major media's website.

The first page I'd found that detailed possible allergy information was by Food Facts, which listed not only their "natural beef flavoring" but gave a breakdown of how natural flavors were made, how they were governed for reporting their ingredients by the FDA, and that natural flavors such as these are considered controversial because they are not required to report things like GMOs.  Reading the information from their site in the link above will give you all sorts of information on that natural beef flavoring, including the fact that it does in deed contain wheat and dairy products.  For those who may be concerned, they also contain soy, another product in everything that is developing into a common allergen.

Realizing I had to get more creative on my search, I finally decided to go onto the McDonald's website.  According to this MSNBC article McDonald's claimed their fries were gluten-free and dairy-free back in 2006, but then added "contains wheat and dairy products" to their french fry ingredient list not long after without making too much of a public display about it.  I was certain I would find more definite information on their website, and something more concrete and recent than 2006.

According to McDonald's own ingredient list, their french fries are in deed not vegetarian friendly at all!  Shocking!  They also are not friendly to those with wheat and/or dairy problems.  While their website does detail these common, known allergens, their restaurants are surprisingly void of these details.  Further, questions outlined in Yahoo Help and other websites by vegetarians asking whether McDonald's fries are vegetarian or vegan friendly are met with many people who clearly don't know what they're talking about.  Many of the answers state that McDonald's fries contain nothing but potatoes and are cooked in vegetable oil, which means they're safe to vegetarians and vegans alike.  This myth of vegan friendly and vegetarian friendly french fries is propagated all over the web, and it seems like McDonald's is not about to make a fuss to correct this misinformation. The company is allowing people to consume foods they either should not or choose not to eat because they don't think to ask about the ingredients.  Bad form, Micky-D's!  Bad form!

In contrast, Burger King's ingredient list is far more appealing for their french fries!  No, their veggie burgers aren't vegan friendly, but they openly state that the veggie patty is not cooked on equipment that meat or poultry products are cooked on.  They do, however, contain milk, wheat, soy, and egg, followed by a clear statement that this is NOT a vegan product.  Go BK for your honesty!

Wendy's french fries are a good bet too.  While there is no simple way to link the ingredient list so you can see for yourself, here's the french fry ingredient information I've pulled off of Wendy's website:

Potatoes, Vegetable Oil (contains one or more of the following oils: canola, soybean, cottonseed, sunflower, corn), Dextrose, Sodium Acid Pyrophosphate (to maintain natural color). Cooked in Vegetable Oil (soybean oil, corn oil, cottonseed oil, hydrogenated soybean oil, natural flavor [vegetable], citric acid [preservative], dimethylpolysiloxane [anti-foaming agent]). Cooked in the same oil as menu items that contain Wheat, Egg, Milk, and Fish (where available). Seasoned with Sea Salt.


That's pretty encouraging.  They even specify that their natural flavor is vegetable, and that their products are cooked in the same oil as non-vegan friendly products.  Someone allergic to wheat or dairy may think twice about Wendy's fries based on the oil they're cooked in.

Of course, these are just the three biggest chains.  It would be worth it to ask for nutritional information at all fast-food chains you visit if you've got any specific allergy related concerns, or any other special dietary requirements.  While their websites detail the information, it can be challenging to find and may not be beneficial while on the go.  Perhaps if enough people ask for the information, they may just start keeping it on hand and readily available, because it's clear from much of what I've heard, you can't rely on the employees for accurate information.  They might not know themselves and just give you the easy answer.

As for me?  I'm boycotting McDonald's, in part because I have a problem with their ethics, but also because it's becoming clear that they've got pretty much nothing I can eat!  It seems like most fast food chains are going to present similar problems, but I'd be far more willing to bend my diet just a bit for a special treat for the kids with a company that's open, honest, and realistic about their products.

For an interesting (and only somewhat related) read, I'm suggesting The McDonaldization of Society: The Reader, The McDonladization of Society 5, and The McDonaldization of Society 6 by George Ritzer.  It's absolutely scary how much McDonald's has influenced our entire culture and society, especially with everything they get away with.  It really makes you think!

Kicking the Allergies

So, I've been doing a lot of thinking about my allergies this week.  It's come as part of a long process of feeling worse and worse as the days go by.  My mood has declined.  I'm feeling weak.  I can never breathe anymore.  Everything hurts all the time.  I'm constantly exhausted.  My stomach's upset a good deal so I never want to eat. I'm having constant headaches that quickly devolve into migraines.  It's not a fun time.  I know a lot of these symptoms directly relate to allergies that I have.  I've been ignoring my allergies, almost like I'm hoping they'll go away, when, in reality, allergies only seem to get worse when you ignore them.

My list of allergies is pretty rough.  When I look at all the things I can't eat, it leaves a lot of people wondering what I can actually eat!  When you actually break down and look at where all these products are found, it's hard to find things that don't contain them, especially since a lot of them can be hidden under "natural flavor" and other vague terms.  Many of these things aren't labeled in the products you buy in the store, so it means a lot of research, not just ingredient checking.  You really have to know what you're doing when you shop!

The list of allergies (which has been a common request lately) is as follows:

• Dairy/lactose/casein
• Eggs
• Honey
• Gluten/wheat
• MSG
• Tomatoes

The list of possible allergies includes:

• Soy
• Bananas
• Caffeine
• Processed Sugars

Of course, this isn't including the other list of allergies that isn't food related, such as wool, chemical cleaners, scented soaps and detergents, dust, spider bites, and cats.  Yes, I've got a lot of allergies.  From everything I've heard, this isn't an uncommon problem in today's society.

What scares me the most about these allergies is how they present themselves.  Most food allergies present themselves with asthma-like symptoms, especially asthma induced by exercise, which I have.  They can manifest as skin conditions, such as eczema (which for those of you who remember me shaving my head the first time, you know is a concern of mine).  Many food related allergies can cause headaches and migraines.  A sore, swollen throat, from mild "lump in the throat" symptoms to the other extreme of inhibiting breathing.  Several of these allergies can also cause an arthritic feeling in the joints, something I wasn't aware of.  Abdominal pain, nausea, dizziness, fainting/unconsciousness, and disorientation are also common.  In some of the more extreme cases, they can cause anaphylactic shock and in the case of a wheat allergy, lymphoma...as in the cancer.  In the case of a dairy allergy specifically (though it's possible other allergies have similar effects), eating dairy can prevent your body from processing many of the nutrients and calories provided for your body to function, resulting in an inability to gain weight and a lowered immune system.

In general, these allergies sap you of energy, make you feel miserable all the time, and lower your overall mood.  As a result, it's not surprising that I'm finding myself unmotivated to do, well, pretty much anything.  I don't want to clean my house.  I'm too tired all the time.  I've had to cancel a series of dance classes.  For many of the shows I want to dance in, I find myself wishing I could cancel last minute.  I find myself too exhausted to do much of anything these days, wishing I could just sleep all day and lounge around in bed.  My stomach is always at odds with me and half the time I'm hungry, but I can't eat.

Given how sick I've been in this last week alone, it's time I eliminate the primary offenders in my diet, if not everything.  This is going to be a great adventure.  I'm going to have to start making a lot of things from scratch because MSG is in just about everything prepackaged as a preservative.  You find dairy in weird things like injected into chicken at the supermarket to help it stay fresh.  A good deal of non-dairy things, like soy cheese and "vinegar" in salt and vinegar chips, actually have things like casein in them.  Strangely, even human milk has some level of casein in it, but in human milk the quantities are far lower.  Goat milk is apparently the closest dairy animal to human, which means it's the least likely to induce an allergic reaction of any kind.

My whole household is going to have to be over-turned, and quick!  Our primary staples around here have large quantities of dairy, eggs, soy, and gluten.  Believe it or not, many of the foods available on the market are full of dairy products, soy products, gluten, and eggs.  Many of them also contain MSG, especially any prepackaged meals like TV dinners.  The only way to be sure the foods you eat don't contain any of those things are to read labels, be a smart shopper (research!), and make everything from scratch.  Buy all your foods from reputable places, like butcher shops for meats and local organic farmers for fruits and vegetables.  At least then you're more likely to get exactly what you're paying for, not foods that are injected with all kinds of things for presentation, color, freshness, and preservation.

It's going to be an adventure for my family and me.  We've already got to worry about most nuts and bananas for one of us.  We don't use pork.  Now we have to add a good deal more to that list.  I'm hoping the result will be a happier, healthier family that eats far less processed food chock full of chemicals...

Natural Deodorant?

I was kicking around on Diaspora today and someone posted a really great link.  With all the talk about hand-made soaps and other returns to natural living, she found a recipe for natural, home-made deodorant.  I haven't tried the recipe yet, obviously.  I just found it today!  However, I did think it was worth sharing, along with the disturbing information that came along with it.

This article not only discusses the benefits of natural health care, but dissects the ingredients of a common brand of deodorant.  I find the information it puts out there more than a little disturbing.  Not only is there a whole list of things the active ingredient in this deodorant do that are frightening, but the author pointed out another very realistic idea, a link between commercial deodorant and the rise in breast cancer.  Seeing how many women's lives this effects, of course that has me concerned for my family's health.

This isn't the first time I've heard this viewpoint either.  It seems widely known that average consumer deodorants are designed to plug the sweat pores under the arms.  The idea is to prevent sweating, which stops unsightly sweat stains and prevents body odor.  Sweat, however, is essential to human health.  Sweat helps to regulate body temperature and purge toxins from the body.  As a result, these toxins are carried a different direction so they might be purged from the body.  Effectively the body is rerouting the flow of everything contained in under arm sweat.  These toxins could possibly infect the portions of the body they must travel through in order to be released.

Everyone knows of three major sites of lymph nodes in the body, especially anyone who has studied the bubonic plague.  Right by the pulse point in the neck (where most women spray their perfume or body spray), under the arms, and at the groin are the homes of our lymph nodes.  It is thought that the lymph nodes not only handle the immune system, but also process toxins in the body.  By sealing up the sweat glands where the lymph nodes release their toxins, you are effectively preventing them from doing their job.  Any time you prevent your body from processing the way it should, you run the risk of additional complications.

Instead of using something made of a lot of processed chemicals, maybe we should turn to natural recipes.  As I've had pointed out with the dread soak and bath I use, these don't work the same for everyone.  Our body chemistry is all different.  Recipes may need to be tweaked or changed all together to work for certain people, but in the end, it's all a matter of what works best for you.

The recipe proposed here uses coconut oil, bicarbonate (which we also know as baking soda from the dread wash), arrowroot powder or cornstarch, and essential oils of your choosing for scent.  The recipe is pretty simple.  I'm hoping to try it out so I can share my experiences.  However, this is just one more step towards being natural.  Every chemical gotten out of my house is one step closer to my goal!

The Spiritual Journey of Dreadlocks or A Learning not to Be Vain

So, a friend of mine has been writing about her journey with dreadlocks on her blog, Otherwise Quite Good.  She has sadly decided to end her journey with dreads.  As much as I loved her dreads, I understand that it's not a good choice for everyone.  It's going to be a different experience for each person.

In her blog she wrote about the pros and cons of dreads from a newbie perspective.  While I understand that's her experience, at the same time I'm finding that I don't recognize it at all.  A lot of what she's saying is pretty strange to me.  Every experience is different, and I guess mine is very different than hers.

The biggest reason most people I know do dreads is maintenance.  Dreads are supposed to be a pretty easy, care-free hair style.  Of course, when you ask people who have actually had dreads, you get a very different story, depending on the method they use.  They're also an exercise in patience.  I think if it weren't for the dread community I'm involved with on Ravelry, I'd be pretty lost right now.  I certainly wouldn't know what to expect and I'd be doing a lot of things I've now come to realize are just some company's way to make money off people with dreads.  In truth, I'd probably be combing them out by now too.

What most people don't understand is that dreadlocks are a spiritual journey.  It's not something you can undertake lightly.  You've got to seriously think into it before you do it because they're just not going to look the way you want them to any time soon.  They may never look the way you want them to.  It's going to take a while before they even look halfway decent anyway.  It's a long term commitment.  It could take a year or two, and for some people, that's quite some time.  You've just got to have faith that the dreads will come out okay in the end.

I've had to learn the hard way that having dreads means giving up on vanity.  It means letting go of preconceived notions of how we should look.  Yes, dreads tend to look wild and horrible in the first year.  I know a lot of companies that make dread products will tell you that it takes up to six weeks to have great looking dreads, but the reality is that's just not likely to happen.  I've gotten to talk to one woman with fantastic dreads that spent two years watching her dreads go through all kinds of evolutions, shrinking, thickening up, and looking wild.  Mine have been going strong for nearly six months and they've still got all kinds of crazy loops and things.  Some of them are flat.  Some of them have weird little spots that just aren't dreading the same as everything else.  The roots are pretty wild and I've got all kinds of fuzz.  I've attacked them with a crochet hook for the first time, but I'm not even going to attempt to get rid of the roots.  I'm not going to bind them down or crochet them in.  I just want to pull in the loose ends so my hair stays together.  I've picked up a bit of finger rolling, but for the most part, I'm just leaving them to be crazy.

Over the past nearly six months it's been a test of faith.  Because I used the twist and rip method for dreading I ended up having to hold my breath while they nearly fell out entirely at the beginning.  Over time they slowly started to dread up again.  I've been lucky enough to watch my hair grow, not shrink up through the process, but I think a large part of that has to do with the length of the dreaded hair.  Much of my dreads aren't very solid and haven't thickened up much, but I'm sure that will change in time.  I've had a few heart attack moments with my washing routine as too much apple cider vinegar caused my hair to start to slip and come undone.  For the first four months or so I just let my hair do whatever it wanted.  I ended up with one dread eating another, so I eventually went through and separated those that were starting to grow together.  That's pretty much the only maintenance I've ever done.  I've toyed with palm rolling, but my dreads are too narrow and short for that to be practical.  Like I've mentioned, I finger roll now and again, but it's done nothing for the shape and form of my dreads.  It's more just something to do with my hands than something for the appearance of my dreads.  I've got to release that vain side of myself that wants everything to be perfect and beautiful, kind of ironic since I wrote not all that long ago about my own vanity.

The thing with dreads and maintenance is it only takes as much as you let it take.  I know there are some people who are obsessed with it.  They palm roll daily.  I know some who crochet their hair once a month in order to get rid of all the wisps.  There are some people who go in for routine maintenance monthly.  Maintenance on dreads can, in theory, take a lot of time.  If you choose to palm roll daily, or even after every bath or shower, that can take one to two hours, especially if you've got long dreads or particularly thin dreads.  This can be a huge time drain often making people feel as though their dreads are like children, requiring so much time, attention, and care.

Choosing my style of maintenance didn't take much thought on my part.  I know a lot of people refer to them as "dreads by neglect", but the truth is they're really just "au natural" if you really get down to it.  Dreads by neglect are one of three major ways to make dreads.  Backcombing, or backcombing and crochet are the most popular style of dreads.  Twist and rip are far less known about, but they're another common choice.  Dreads by neglect are simply forming dreads by neglecting your hair.  Don't brush it, don't comb it, and eventually it will knot up.  If you want to have some control in your hair's natural sectioning you rip apart and separate the dreads as they start to form, kind of sectioning them as they develop.  It's the most natural way to let your dreads develop, but requires a lot of trust and faith in your hair.  Your hair does what it wants and you really don't know what you'll end up with.

The natural dread maintenance plan pretty much means letting your dreads develop the way they develop.  Some people will let their dreads eat each other, forming massive dreads, but that's not my style.  All I do is rip them apart when they start to blend together and try and pick up the wisps when I can.  Some who use this natural method do use a crochet hook to weave the loose ends in once or twice, but after that wait for the hair to pull in on it's own.  Eventually it will dread.  They don't use any methods to pull the dread closer to the roots.  I've had dreads with two inches of undreaded hair at the root, but over time they've grown closer to the scalp.  Now I just have about a comfortable inch on most of them.  At the most I throw a little bit of nag champa oil in my hair to make it smell nice, especially if it's got a tinge of that vinegar smell right after washing.  Sometimes I use amber oil or dragon's blood for variety.  It doesn't take much and all I have to do is put oil on my hands and rub them into my dreads.  It seems like every time my hair moves the scent subtly escapes for days on end.

Styling has been a little more of a challenge.  I can't just tie my dreads up with other dreads because they're just too short.  I'm still in need of hair ties, scarves, and bandannas.  I have to do something with my hair in the morning because I don't have my friend's luck with gravity solving all.  I look like Medusa or that character from Starcraft.  I'm starting to rely on the things I can do with my hair.  Thankfully my hair is starting to grow so I'm finding I can do more and more each day.  I can finally pull it into a single pony tail!

In the end, I think the most important lessons any potential dreadie should learn is that the process takes time, potentially a lot of time.  It could take a year or two for your dreads to get out of the wild phase.  Maintenance is really not as necessary as some will try to tell you.  The dread product companies will sell you on the idea that you need their products to expediate the process, but honestly, you don't really need them.  The best thing you can do is let your hair do it's own thing and enjoy the ride.  These are the things I'm glad someone told me at the beginning of all of this!  I have to wonder how many other potential dreadies would keep their dreads longer if they only knew what they were getting themselves into in the first place.

I've still got a long way to go.  It's going to be at least six more months, I can figure, before my dreads look anything like I'll want them to, or more accurately, the way they want to.  They're still evolving quite a bit these days.  Maybe I'm unusual, but I love the wild, chaotic look of the dreads right now.  They seem very natural, very wild woman.  It's kind of freeing.  I wash them once a week, but I don't notice any of the scalp problems I've heard reported.  Maybe my hair is just responding really well to the soak I use, or maybe it's just what I'm doing.  No matter how I look at it, this is clearly the right choice for me and my hair!  On top of it all, I really am learning a lesson about myself.  Maybe I just need to stop being so vain.

Sometimes that's the biggest lesson you can ever learn in life, to release yourself from the things that are holding you back so you can recognize a new state of being.  I guess one could say that this is like the hanged man card in tarot.  You've got to look at the world from a different perspective for a while.  As a dancer so much has been built up on appearance.  I was convinced I would have perfect, maintenanced, clean dreads.  They were always going to look fantastic.  I would never have a single doubt about the end result.  Instead of getting what I wanted, I've had to learn to release myself to the outcome.  The dreads will be what they will be and there's nothing I can do but keep faith that they'll be beautiful, just like the other fantastic dreads I've seen before!

Five Months into Dreading Already? Almost Six?

I have to say, this is the longest I've really committed to anything!  Five months of one hair style seems like an eternity to me.  I can't seem to stick with one look to save my life.  One day I'm feeling grunge.  The next day I'm feeling like a hippie.  Two days later it's all-American jeans and a tee-shirt.  Keeping to dreads was expected to be a huge challenge for me.  I expected it to be work, a hassle, and to get bored with it, to be honest.  Most people I've known with dreads don't even last out the year.  They decide they don't like the look, so they comb them out.  Of course, dreads are a journey and a few months is hardly enough time to tell what they'll be like.  I knew going into this it would be a long process.  I was hoping I could last out a year so I could at least see them mature.

The first few months were rough.  I have to admit, I'd had tons of thoughts of combing them out.  I kind of missed having normal hair.  Dreading the bangs seemed to help as it got them out of my face so I could see, but I lost an element of what I was going for.  I liked my bangs, and I was tempted to comb them out until recently.  This whole process was just taking too long, and I was ready to give up on them.  Even with the bangs dreaded back, I was starting to think they were just never going to be what I wanted.  They were never going to be anything but a messy, chaotic, disastrous mess.

Well, five months have gone by in a blink.  I didn't even realize I completely forgot to post a five month update and it's almost been six months!  My dreads look fantastic, at least for being baby dreads.  They're developing nicely.  They're starting to build up a nice locked up portion, which is exactly what I want to see!  If they keep up like this I'll be proud to be the owner of lovely dreadlocks before the year is out.  I'm not going to hold my breath on that quick of a result, but I'm seeing progress in a very quick way.  I'm actually impressed with the way my dreads are turning so quickly.

I'm sure there's going to be some more shrinking to be done.  My dreads aren't as tight and hard packed as I was given the impression they should be and I know that's a factor in shrinking.  I've had to attack them with a crochet hook this morning so I could pull in all the wispy bits.  When I was done with that I experimented with palm rolling a few.  I'm not sure they had any real effect, but I guess it was worth the try.  There's only one way to find out what the results will be, and that's to try it.  If palm rolling makes them look better, then great. If not, well, I at least took the time to break up any that were growing together.  On top of that, I'm not palm rolling all of them, so I guess one could say I'm just doing an experiment.  It's really more finger rolling too.  there's not enough to hold in the palms of my hand and roll!

I'm not ready to say I'm satisfied with my dreads yet.  They still annoy me most days when they're down.  I'm not quite sold on the look of my short, scrappy dreads.  Most days I wear them up or in a scarf.  This has a two fold benefit.  First, I can keep myself from messing with my dreads.  I've heard the more you leave them alone, the better they develop, so I'm going for that.  Second, my dreads just look a lot better when they're up.  I've gotten a lot of criticism on my dreads, and I can honestly say I'm tired of it.  Yes, I know they look crazy and out of control.  That's because they are.  They're going through the crazy, wild phase and they're pretty short.  It's going to take some time to tame them down and make them look "respectable".  Until then, I'm only letting them loose on a good day, like today.

I have to say, I'm so happy I decided to do this.  There's nothing like dreads, and I adore them.  The more they develop, the more I love them. I can't wait until I can have some beautiful, long dreads like some of the ones I've seen!  It takes time, but I'll get there.  I just have to keep exercising good patience.

The Journey Shirt

This shirt has a story to tell.  I'm not going to tell you the story.  The story isn't mine to tell, however, this shirt has a lot to say.  You can't see how weathered and faded it is in the picture, not easily.  You can't see the way it's been bleached by the sun.  You can't see the holes in the sleeve from somewhere before it landed in my hands.  You can't see any of the personality.  To you it may just seem like some shirt.  It might seem like nothing more than some material item.  To me, it's the perfect grunge shirt, and it's my favorite shirt, my prized possession.  It means more to me than my dance costumes, and if you know me, you know that's saying a lot. Okay, maybe I will get into the story a little.  This shirt was a "nice" shirt at one point in time.  It was one of those "find a job" kind of garments.  The previous owner had good intentions, but that all went awry.  You see, he got into a car accident.  One thing led to another and the shirt was left abandoned on the side of the road, forgotten and alone.

One would imagine that these things get cleaned up now and again.  The rain would wash it away.  Somehow someone would clear the litter.  Anything could have happened to clear this shirt off the street, but nothing did.  That shirt remained, lost and abandoned for quite some time.  The sun bleached it in an awkward way, but it was still hoping to be used.  It wanted to fulfill it's purpose.  It wanted nothing more than to be loved, but it was abandoned in a city of broken dreams.  It kind of fits the city.  A lot of people come here as a part of the military, but then they find themselves out of the Army with nowhere to go.  They end up stuck here, not sure how to move forward, but definitely needing too.  Many of them are former Army wives I know.  The military pays to move them down here, but doesn't pay to move them home.  They're abandoned like that old forgotten shirt on the side of the road.  I kind of felt that way myself sometimes.  How could I not?  I was just abandoned here myself with three kids and no way out.  In a lot of ways I still feel stuck and abandoned.

Eventually it found that all was not lost.  It was ironically picked up by someone who knew the original owner.  That shirt eventually made it back to him, becoming one of his favorite things.  It had been through rough times and so had he.  He reclaimed that shirt and loved it all the more for everything it had been through.  Battered and abused, it shared a lot in common with him.  It was fitting that he should have it back.

Somewhere around April that same person found me.  He and I had spent time together before.  He hung out at our house all the time.  He and his room mates were friends of the household so we spent a lot of time together.  We've been really close since then.  I've been around for crazy, drunken moments, like Keith-stone Light Man telling him he could fly to try and make him jump off the balcony.  He's since gone sober and has been sober for a whole month.  I'm really proud of him!  Sometime after all this craziness happened he took a shirt out of a bag he'd had with him for quite some time.  I guess he'd had it when he was homeless.  He told me that this was his favorite shirt, then asked me if I knew why.  He'd told me the story about the car accident before.  He'd mentioned that someone actually found the shirt later, but the whole thing was kind of glazed over.  He said this shirt was the shirt from that crazy night.  It was his favorite thing, and he wanted me to have it.  He was entrusting this incredibly important item in his life to my care.

Normally I would have found such a gift kind of appalling.  Why would you give a beaten up shirt that had effectively been trash to someone you cared about?  I don't do the whole dumpster diving thing.  We have a blanket known as "the trash blanket" that was pulled from the trash, but I can't really stand it.  The idea of things being plucked from the trash or off the street kind of bothers me.  I can't even explain what it is that gets to me.  It just does.  That's just how I am.  That's just who I am.  If people can't understand that, well, maybe they just don't get me.

Somehow this shirt was different.  Giving it a new life as my own garment kind of gave me hope in my own life.  If I could give this shirt a second chance, maybe someone could give me a second chance too.  It's not exactly like I advertise this across the web, but I'm thirty.  This is a big year for me.  I feel like my life is going nowhere and I haven't accomplished anything.  I had these grand goals for my life and, well, I haven't accomplished anything.  I was a dreamer.  I wanted so much out of life, but I'm getting older.  I'm certainly feeling older.  I feel about as beaten up as that shirt, faded by the sun and buttons missing.  That shirt has become some kind of symbol of my life.  It's the one way I can express what's truly going on in my mind, how I truly feel, to the whole world without having to say a thing.  It speaks so much, even if no one understands it but me.  It's gone from being some creepy piece of clothing that was picked up off the street to my own favorite garment, something that goes with me almost everywhere I go!

It may just be a shirt, but it's a shirt with a story.  It really makes you stop and think, doesn't everything have a story?  Every thing that's cast off by the side of the road has it's own story.  Every abandoned item in lost and found came from somewhere.  Perhaps that person is missing it.  Maybe that item saved their life one time.  It just shocked me how incredibly much is just passed over, not cared about, and ignored, simply because people don't know the story.  Then again, isn't that how I feel sometimes?  Perhaps more people would stop to see the value in everything I am if they'd only stop and ask about the story.  That shirt and I certainly have a lot in common.  It's not surprising that's my favorite article of clothing to wear.  Of course...I have to add this...it's ten times more important because the man who gave it to me is very dear to my own heart.  I love you, and thank you for giving this shirt another chance at life, and for giving me a chance in your life too.  I don't know what I'd do without you.

A Little Bit of Vanity is Good for the Soul

I've been noticing this whole thing with dreads has brought out a new side of me.  I'm not just trying to document the process of the dreads, I've got to admit, I'm a little bit vain.  I've started to realize that my previous amusement of taking my own portrait has taken a totally different turn.

Well, I should be honest here, part of this increase in vanity is because of my new phone.  I've got a smart phone and it's got a pretty good camera.  I can load those photos directly to photobucket or Facebook.  This, of course, makes it so much more enthralling to be vain.  I even have a whole album on Facebook dedicated to my dreads.  It's made the whole thing a lot more fun.

This whole vanity thing has actually done something good for me.  I'm a lot happier about my life right now.  I'm starting to notice that I'm a lot happier with the way I look.  When you look good, you feel good, and I'm starting to notice the balance there.  Yes, I look a lot more adult than I want to.  I hate to say it, but the past couple of years have really aged me.  I can no longer pull off being a teenager.  I definitely look like a grown up.  Maybe it's time I start embracing that.

Photographs are also documenting the evolution of me.  I'm noticing small changes in myself.  The youthful innocence I used to display in pictures was replaced with something a little sultry.  In turn I outgrew that and started to notice I just looked adult.  Now I'm noticing that I'm looking more and more my age, especially when I actually wear my glasses.  I have to say, I actually like the look of wearing my glasses.  I may just have to do it more often.  It's probably better for my eyes anyway.

Something productive does come out of vanity.  Yes, I've grown up a lot, but I'm actually kind of happy that I'm starting to look a bit more grown up too.  Maybe I still don't look as old as I feel, but at the very least I'm starting to feel a lot less like a kid.  I wonder if that's why so many people are overlooking me these days.  Maybe that's a good thing too!