Found the Source of the Guilt

Thanks to my friend Sarah, I've figured out the source of that guilt my card was referencing yesterday!  Thank you, Sarah!  I never would have figured it out on my own!

Lately I've felt like I've been failing everyone.  I didn't really put much stock into that as guilt.  I bailed on the duet piece for our show because I just didn't have the time, energy, and ability to rehearse it enough.  I've been feeling like I've failed my kids in not being more available to them.  Most of all, I feel like I've been failing as a dancer and as a business woman.  I put a lot of pressure on myself on a daily basis.  It's hard to live up to my own standards! I set the bar pretty high!  I need to recognize the need to pace myself.  Rome wasn't built in a day and my business will certainly be the same way!  The same can go for just about everything else in my life!

I've put some consideration into what I need to bring myself back into balance.  The first thing might seem backwards.  I think I need to dance less.  I know, when it comes to making my goals and becoming a better dancer, that implies I need to dance more, but in truth, I think I'll come back to that if I can take a breather from dance.  It's not just dancing less.  It's also a matter of the quality of my dance time.  If I'm spending a lot of time either really expanding myself as a dancer I think I'll enjoy it more.  Yes, I need to increase my stamina, so pushing myself out for longer periods of time is ideal, but with that focus just the idea of dance is unappealing.  I think perhaps I need to seriously consider how much I'm teaching as well.  Teaching may just be killing my love for the fun and art of it.  Maybe I need to focus on the dance classes that are really bringing me something positive for my time.

Another thing I need to do is bake more.  I know baked goods aren't exactly great for keeping a healthy diet, but with how thin everyone in my family is, I can't say as I'm too worried about that.  My kids are always pushing the boarder of "underweight" for their height.  I know I'm underweight, not based on my BMI, which would have me weighing about 130, but for the weight my doctor in mass said seemed like an ideal weight for me back in Mass, somewhere around 120-125.  Even my wonderful partner doesn't weigh all that much, though he's considered "healthy weight".  So, ignoring the health side of baked goods, I really love to bake.  Cookies, breads, pretty much anything.  Today I took a moment to mix up some coffee cake.  The idea was it would be cool and ready for the kids to have for breakfast in the morning.  I might just have some of it as a snack before bed.  Baking always seems to put me in a better mood!  I think I would have loved it in my mom's situation where we would have to do bake sales for our Catholic School's fund raisers.  I'd be interested in doing baked goods at some of my dance events too, but I think that would be too much of a hassle, and might put too much pressure on the need to bake, taking all of the fun out of it.

To top it all off, I'm taking a note from Alice in Wonderland.  I've picked up the books and begun reading again.  One thing I've noticed about Alice, she never once stopped to question anything.  For example, she never thought it so very odd to hear a rabbit speaking, nor did she find it odd that he pulled a pocket watch from his waistcoat pocket, even though rabbits don't talk, nor do they have waistcoats or pocket watches.  She never thought it very strange to think of potions to make her grow or think.  She never thought much of talking chess pieces or flowers either.  To her, even the strangest thing was somehow a plain and simple reality.  There was no need to look further than the surface.  It simply happened, was what it was, and that was all.  Everything to Alice was taken at face value, if it were to have any value at all.  Many of the things she believes without so much as a question are things the adult world tells us are impossible, but she takes them as exactly what they are.  She never questions any of it.  She also always knows exactly who she is in reference to everyone else at all times.  The more I read of her, the more I think of her as someone I should aspire to be more like again!  I used to be at one point in time, but I guess I've kind of grown beyond it as I've gotten wounded by the world around me.  It's time to open myself up to that youthful trust that the world is exactly as it should be.  Besides, Alice, much like me, is far more harsh on herself than anyone else could ever be.  I think I need a little more of her in my life!

Today's Wisdom Card came up once before already.  I think this time it's working more in line with how I feel right now.  "I am willing to see my magnificence."  While I don't completely feel I believe that right now, I'm starting to see a little glimmer of that in my life.  It's like the more I hear it, the more I want to believe it.  "If I think that I am a bad person, I get a negative feeling.  However, if I change the thought, the feeling disappears."  I'm not feeling those negative feelings I have disappear yet, but with each day I'm noticing my negative feelings are being more often replaced with the positive!

Today's I Can Do It Card is a very appropriate message for me to read myself!  "I get plenty of sleep every night.  My body appreciates how I take care of it."  I read that and wanted to laugh because I know it's untrue, but I needed to hear that!  I just need to keep telling myself that!  Perhaps that will help me get to sleep at a decent hour every night!  "I lovingly do everything I can to assist my body in maintaining perfect health."  This was read while munching on a piece of coffee cake, probably not the healthiest thing for me.  However, I need these reminders to myself.  Positive affirmations can change a person's entire mentality towards the world around them!  I just need to keep encouraging myself to stay positive.

I've had a few people ask me what the point of these card readings are.  Well, I'm just using them to try and foster a more positive attitude in myself.  This is a great experiment to see if using these cards over a period of time, a month, for example, yields any results.  If it does, I might just have to stick with them and encourage others to do the same!  If it doesn't, it's not like I spent money on the cards, as they were a gift. and it didn't take much time out of my day, so there's really no loss there.  I'll pass them on to someone who may more positively benefit from them.